Ask Amy: Sibling pushing on dad's estate cuts contact

[cereta]

Dear Amy: Our father died last year. The youngest of four siblings became the estate's executor.

On the day of the interment, "Bart," our older brother, asked how soon he would receive his share of the estate.

I was shocked. I explained the process, which takes time.

Bart made the same inquiry over the course of several months. We suggested he hire a lawyer to explain the process if he did not believe what we were doing/saying, which unfortunately delayed things further.

Although we all received a partial distribution, Bart told our younger sibling that we would no longer have access to our teenage niece and nephew until Bart had received all of his money.

We are almost at the end of the process. Unfortunately, during that time, Bart became terminally ill. Given the timing, his spouse may be the person receiving his inheritance.

The executor and estate lawyer have done everything possible to accommodate his expectations. Meanwhile we have had no contact with our niece or nephew. We have sent cards and gifts, and heard nothing back.

Our hope is that someday, maybe even at "Bart's" funeral, we will reunite with our niece and nephew. If this happens, how should we respond if they ask why we've been distant?

-- Perplexed Siblings

Dear Perplexed: I'm going to offer you some honest feedback about the situation you describe.

Your brother is terminally ill. Although he disclosed this more recently, it's possible that he either suspected or knew about his illness when your father died. This would naturally have created some very complicated emotions, confusion and perhaps time pressure on his part.

It is also possible that his illness has disrupted, distorted or amplified his emotions and reactions. It would be generous of you and your other siblings to offer your brother every possible benefit of the doubt. I think you would all feel better if you did.

Yes, keep in touch with his children. After your brother's death, let them know that, "For a bunch of complicated reasons, your dad didn't want us to see you, and we have missed you very much."

Comments

[cereta]

One of the awful realizations I had as an adult was that when my paternal grandfather died, my father knew that he had an aggressive, often terminal form of cancer (he died eight months later, and all I can hope is that my grandmother didn't know about the cancer when his father died). So I have a kind of perspective on this. My dad was a kind, practical man who had worked in life insurance for years, so making sure we were taken care of was a huge priority for him. If "Bart" (like many people) had insufficient life insurance to really replace his support of his children, I can absolutely understand his anxiety over that inheritance, and I hope you can understand what was, to you, insensitive, needlessly aggressive behavior.

If I were you, I'd go to my brother and say, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were dealing with this. We will of course make sure that your family gets their full share of the estate. What else can I do?" This is not a time to stand on pride.

[minoanmiss]

Well said, and I am as ever sorry you had to earn this wisdom so difficully. *hugs you*

[cereta]

{{hugs}} Yeah, it was...oddly a while, and mostly the reaction of others, that made me kind of sit up and go, "Wow. They died only eight months apart," and realize how terrible that must have been for his mother and brother. When you're 11, it just kind of disappears into a big ball of suck that was that year.

[amireal]

See, I'd agree with you except he then attempted emotional blackmail with his kids. Yes, his actions may have been fueled by the kind of fear that can only happen in the terminally ill, but even terminal illness doesn't excuse abusive behavior of which this was.

[grammarwoman]

This made me cry all over again about the clusterfuck that is my family's current situation, with my brother's recent passing and being ghosted by my niece and nephew.

[minoanmiss]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry.

[cereta]

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry!