Sense and Sensitivity: But he got CATS!

[cereta]

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family is riddled with divorce. Practically every couple in two generations has split. Remarriages occur and create happy family members. My brother has been single for years after a string of bad relationships following a divorce. His ex moved the children to another state, and he works himself to the bone to be able to provide for them. I feel bad for him; it seems like he doesn't have any hobbies or happiness in his life.

I am getting remarried soon, so he will be the only single sibling. He got himself three cats recently, which I was against because it prohibits him moving freely. How can I involve my brother in my life to make sure he's doing all right? I've been working on trying to get him to move to my state, but to no avail. -- Building His Life Up, Boulder, Colorado

DEAR BUILDING HIS LIFE UP: Divorce is hard on the whole family and usually friends, too, so it's natural that you would like to figure out how to comfort your brother as you and the rest of the family seem to have moved on. As you attempt to help him, do know that you cannot spark happiness in his life -- nor is it your responsibility.

That said, you can make an effort. Invite him to join you for a sibling date. Invite him to come to visit you. Or suggest a sibling date without your spouse -- just you two or you and your other siblings -- where you go someplace fun and spend time together. Insist that he show up, and make sure that your life doesn't get too busy for you to go. Stay connected. That's what you can do.

Comments

[cereta]

You know, maybe it's because my brother gave me grief over getting a cat (he's deathly allergic, and despite never visiting me, he...might maybe have someday?), but the whole, "I was against him getting cats," right after, "but he doesn't have anything in his life that makes him happy!" just makes me want to headdesk.

[redbird]

Or, you know, if he wants to move he can take the cats with them: it's not like he'd have to put them in a different school, or separate them from their friends, jobs, or hobbies. My cats didn't like moving 3,000 miles, but that's mostly because we were stuck in a motel for ten days; once we were in the new apartment they were fine.

[cereta]

Seriously, mine moved 1700 miles. It *is* true that having pets, and in particular having more than two animals, may limit your choice of apartments, but that goes right back to this being none of the LW's business.

[likeaduck]

They move alright, but they can make it more complicated to visit a sibling in another state for a weekend if you've got limited local support networks or finances for catsitting. But totally still not the LW's call.

Why isn't the LW considering moving to the brother's state, or visiting him?

[recessional]

Or paying for cat boarding!

[kaberett]

QUITE.

[vass]

I cannot imagine why LW's brother doesn't want to talk about his hobbies or happiness with LW. Truly it is a mystery.

[recessional]

I want to inundate the LW in all the literature about how good pets are for mental health. :|

[moem]

Our three (ex-shelter) cats are a daily joy and a major source of happiness in my life. I hope the LW's brother enjoys the company of his cats for a long, long time.

[syderia]

How about she starts by asking him whether he's happy with his current life?
I feel like LW is very much projecting their own vision of happiness on their brother and not considering that he may want different things.

[minoanmiss]

Seconded.

Also, I want to send the brother a bag of catnip mice.

[ambyr]

"insist that he show up"? For an out-of-state trip? Yeah, that sounds like a great way to make someone feel warmly toward you.

Why not suggest the LW ask if it would be convenient for them to visit him in his state?

[sathari]

... Basically, I'm down with what everyone else said? As in, WTF? How are cats more prohibitive to "moving freely" than, oh, a spouse and kids? WTF? WTF? WTF? That is just... absurd.