![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
Carolyn Hax: It's Called Bullying
Dear Carolyn: My younger brother — we are both adults — calls me by an old name — one I was given at birth, and have loathed since age 3, and have not willingly used since I was 10.
The name I use — on my passport, paychecks, everything — is a shortened version of the given one. My other five siblings call me by the name I prefer.
Brother does this with the sole aim of irking me. He won't stop. He interrupts me when I'm introducing myself to people, to say, "She's really [old name]," which I grit my teeth and smilingly correct for the new (confused) friend.
I have asked him politely to stop; he laughs and says, "Okay, [old name]." I have addressed him by distortions of his own name, awfully childish and doesn't work anyway. I have laughed it off; this makes him laugh and continue to misname me. I've snapped, "Grow up already." I've deleted Facebook posts where he calls me by this name.
I have a lot of built-up, unwanted anger at this; I feel like I'm being bullied and disrespected. My objections are "overruled" as "oversensitive." I believe I am entitled to the basic respect of being called by my own name. I know it's a tiny problem in this big world of racism, sexual harassment, war and pestilence, and maybe it "shouldn't" bother me, but it does.
How do I get him to just stop it, without causing some kind of rift? We get along well except for this.
— Not in Fourth Grade Anymore
Not in Fourth Grade Anymore: This is not a tiny problem!
Seriously.
It is a tiny expression of a serious problem, the same problem behind every serious sub-problem you list — abuse of power. Racism and sexual harassment are abuses of power. War, an abuse of power and/or an effort to stop some other entity’s abuse of power. Pestilence? Longer story, but worsened by abuses of power.
Your brother sees power in your discomfort and seizes it whenever he can. Thus your anger: It’s a natural response to a sense of powerlessness, especially when it involves your very identity. You feel unable to define yourself on your terms, because your brother uses his leverage to grab that power from you. I felt rage on your behalf just reading your letter today.
Often methods like yours suffice to thwart bullies — yes, your brother is one — or a bully just gets bored and moves on. But since your brother apparently retains his full appetite for putting you down, you’ll need to work the levers to reclaim your authority.
First, remain calm. He feeds off your distress.
Second, be plainly truthful, without emotion, to people who witness your brother’s embarrassing act. You already have the words: “I believe I’m entitled to the basic respect of being called by my own name. My brother thinks otherwise.” Facts only, to fill in the salient blank: Is this warmhearted sib-roasting? No. It is not. “I apologize for my brother” is fine shorthand, calm as a pond on a windless day.
Third, trust that good people will make the connection, especially if he “overrules” you as “oversensitive” — as in, gaslights you — and don’t engage your brother on this one bit beyond your stated position. Pointedly, let him make a name for himself.
The name I use — on my passport, paychecks, everything — is a shortened version of the given one. My other five siblings call me by the name I prefer.
Brother does this with the sole aim of irking me. He won't stop. He interrupts me when I'm introducing myself to people, to say, "She's really [old name]," which I grit my teeth and smilingly correct for the new (confused) friend.
I have asked him politely to stop; he laughs and says, "Okay, [old name]." I have addressed him by distortions of his own name, awfully childish and doesn't work anyway. I have laughed it off; this makes him laugh and continue to misname me. I've snapped, "Grow up already." I've deleted Facebook posts where he calls me by this name.
I have a lot of built-up, unwanted anger at this; I feel like I'm being bullied and disrespected. My objections are "overruled" as "oversensitive." I believe I am entitled to the basic respect of being called by my own name. I know it's a tiny problem in this big world of racism, sexual harassment, war and pestilence, and maybe it "shouldn't" bother me, but it does.
How do I get him to just stop it, without causing some kind of rift? We get along well except for this.
— Not in Fourth Grade Anymore
Not in Fourth Grade Anymore: This is not a tiny problem!
Seriously.
It is a tiny expression of a serious problem, the same problem behind every serious sub-problem you list — abuse of power. Racism and sexual harassment are abuses of power. War, an abuse of power and/or an effort to stop some other entity’s abuse of power. Pestilence? Longer story, but worsened by abuses of power.
Your brother sees power in your discomfort and seizes it whenever he can. Thus your anger: It’s a natural response to a sense of powerlessness, especially when it involves your very identity. You feel unable to define yourself on your terms, because your brother uses his leverage to grab that power from you. I felt rage on your behalf just reading your letter today.
Often methods like yours suffice to thwart bullies — yes, your brother is one — or a bully just gets bored and moves on. But since your brother apparently retains his full appetite for putting you down, you’ll need to work the levers to reclaim your authority.
First, remain calm. He feeds off your distress.
Second, be plainly truthful, without emotion, to people who witness your brother’s embarrassing act. You already have the words: “I believe I’m entitled to the basic respect of being called by my own name. My brother thinks otherwise.” Facts only, to fill in the salient blank: Is this warmhearted sib-roasting? No. It is not. “I apologize for my brother” is fine shorthand, calm as a pond on a windless day.
Third, trust that good people will make the connection, especially if he “overrules” you as “oversensitive” — as in, gaslights you — and don’t engage your brother on this one bit beyond your stated position. Pointedly, let him make a name for himself.
no subject
This is four years old, but I had to post it, because OMG, my life:
*Hated name (in my case, derivative of first name) that I ditched as soon as I was able: check.
*Family that refused to even call me by my full first name, much less by the name I later chose for myself: check.
*Sibling who actually sent mail to HatedName Husband'sLastName, knowing I used neither: check.
*Sibling who will relentlessly drive a joke at my expense into the ground, even as I'm getting visibly upset: check.
*Other people making it my job to not get upset at this behavior: check.
I am always endlessly stunned at the degree to which people are not only expected to tolerate behavior from siblings that would make them punch a stranger, but see it as some kind of weird sign of a loving bond. Or the way they say, "they're only doing it to get a reaction," as if that's normal, acceptable behavior instead of a really shitty thing to do.
Personally, LW, I would (and did) limit contact with my brother, although that was fairly easy for me to do, since we don't live in the same city and barely saw each other anyway. But at the least, you need to see what your brother is doing for what it is, which is just plain mean, and think about what that says about him and your supposedly otherwise fine relationship. How much of your "getting along" happens because you tolerate crappy treatment?
Note: It was actually kind of gratifying to read the comments and see that, far from diminishing what brother was doing, people shared their own stories of others disrespecting their name choices with a common thread of, "And that's why we don't see each other anymore." WaPo comments in general often defy the "don't read the comments" rule, though.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
LW, Carolyn is right that it's about power, and that what you need to do is reclaim your power. I think it's telling about what's wrong with the rest of this advice that she says *he* has power but what you need is *authority*. No, you get power too. (Your will is as strong as his, and your kingdom is as great.)
First: Remain calm: terrible advice. What this advice wants to say and never has the guts to say is: you need to not give a fuck about what he does. Bullies like this are very good at reading "I will stay calm and polite no matter what" as them still having power over you (correctly.) It usually doesn't work. And you're allowed to be upset at being misnamed! It's distressing! What you need to do is learn not to be upset at anything he does, no matter how vile, because he is a puling, insecure bully and an ass and nothing he could possibly do could be worth you getting the slightest bit upset, because who the fuck cares, it's just him and his opinion and actions do not and will never matter.* Sure, if someone you respected did that, you would be upset, but that is not the case here!
Getting to this point is not easy! But fake it 'til you make it will take you a surprisingly long way. Just every time he does something upsetting, remind yourself that this is further proof that his opinions and actions don't matter because he's a puling little pile of trash, whether you believe it yet or not. A lot of basic therapy/self-help techniques can help, too. And the best thing about this strategy is it doesn't matter if the bully ever stops, because if you stop giving a single solitary fuck about them it doesn't matter if they stop or not, if they keep doing it they are just giving you additional reasons why they aren't worth any of your energy.
Second: Be plainly truthful, without emotion, to the witnesses. Also terrible advice with good advice mixed in. Staying calm and polite will just give them reasons to think what he's doing shouldn't be upsetting. It should be upsetting! It's upsetting that your brother is an asshole and a piece of shit! Feel free to make a scene. But the scene should just be about him, not about you. You know how advice columnists say to use "I" statements, not "you" statement? That's if you want to keep it operating on good faith. He's not, so feel free to say "WOW. Sorry you had to hear that folks, my brother's being an ass again, I guess he never outgrew that childish bully phase when he was six and used to eat glue. Anyway---" And then change the subject, hard, and don't let him take it back. After all what he said doesn't matter, and what you were actually talking about was the weather.
But you have to mean it, you have to have worked pretty hard on Step The First.
Third: "Good" people will not necessarily make the connection. They will be looking for reasons to forget that this person they care about never outgrew the childish bully phase when he was six and used to eat glue. Make his name for him. Make sure he associates bullying you with everybody around him being prompted to verbally agree that he's childish and insignificant by somebody who visibly does not give a fuck, and then his further contributions being actively ignored.
He's your brother and you (possibly) love him. When he's not bullying you, feel free to treat him like he deserves respect, *then*.
Or you can just cut him off and block him on facebook. That's often easier.
*This advice stops working when the bully has actual temporal power over you (and/or other people) : A parent, a supervisor, a doctor, they're being physically violent, they're running for office, etc. In that situation step the first is to make whatever plans and preparations you can to get both you and anyone else you can to a point where you *don't* have to care what they do. But an adult brother is hopefully not that.
no subject
no subject
My question is, by whom? Because if it's only by one brother who thinks it's funny to hurt people, then the writer can minimize contact with him as much as possible (for pity's sake, unfriend or block him on facebook) and try things like hanging up the phone or leaving the room at the first violation.
But I seriously suspect that the writer's objections are being overruled by the rest of the family. I don't see how the brother could have kept this up into adulthood if the family wasn't both-sides-ing, telling the writer to be the bigger person, and otherwise minimizing the bullying.
I think the writer should pick out one or two people in the family that they actually like (if there are any) and arrange to get together with them one-on-one, and then minimize the time they have to spend with the whole pack of enablers.
no subject
But I'm not nice.