agonyaunt | Dear Prudie: Two Letters About Siblings

My sister was the driver in a horrific car accident that killed her best friends. The couple left behind “Emily,” a 1-year-old. Emily has grandparents who love her and care for her, but my sister insists she is basically Little Orphan Annie. She spoils Emily outrageously. Emily has been to Europe four times and Disney World a dozen. Her birthdays, hosted by my sister, are scripted events with party planners. Emily can barely add something to her Amazon wish list before my sister buys it for her.

I have four children. My sister sends them $100 on their birthday and for Christmas. She sees them at our parents’ home but hasn’t offered to spend one-on-one time since she babysat for a week while my husband and I went on our second honeymoon. My daughter has asked me why her aunt doesn’t like her as much as Emily. I have tried talking with my sister, and she dismisses me, saying Emily “needs” her. I finally snapped and told her she needs Emily because she feels she killed her parents. The accident wasn’t her fault, and taking Emily to Disney World again isn’t going to bring them back, but she is alienating her actual nieces and nephews. My sister went quiet, then told me to go die and then we can compare Emily’s situation to my children. Until then she was done with my “greed.”

—Sad Sister

Dear Sister,

This is all so heartbreaking. I’m sad for your sister, for Emily, for your daughter, and for you.

If your sister wrote in asking whether she should continue spending every extra dollar and vacation day on Emily, I would tell her no. It does sound like she’s going a little—maybe a lot—over the top. She’s doing much more than a typical aunt or Godparent would, and focusing heavily on material things that are not going to make up for the loss of Emily’s parents. If she really wants to help fill the void left by her friends’ tragic deaths, she should be offering closeness and emotional support, not excessive material things.

But she didn’t ask for my opinion. You did. And although you’re correct that her approach to handling this couple’s tragic death is not totally healthy, and it’s fair to mourn the loss of the attention that you thought would go to your own child, you don’t get to decide how your sister lives her life. Consider that maybe this is what she needs to do to cope right now. Maybe the alternative to this version of your sister is someone who is consumed by guilt, depressed and withdrawn. It sounds like she can afford everything she’s choosing to do, I’m sure Emily doesn’t hate being at Disney World every other week, and the grandparents who didn’t budget money or energy to raise a kid at this point in life are probably grateful.

I’m sorry your sister spoke harshly to you, but when you bring up the most painful thing in a person’s life and attack them for the way they’re coping—a way that, it’s important to note, is not harming anyone—you kind of get what you get in response. If you do want your sister to be in her actual niece’s life more, focus on that—without any comparisons to how she treats Emily. Invite her over, plan family trips, etc. Destroy whatever physical or mental document you’re using to keep tabs on which kid has received the highest dollar value in gifts. Create opportunities for them to bond. And if it doesn’t happen, find some replacement auntie figures. Your sister has demonstrated to you that being a special adult in a kid’s life doesn’t require a biological bond.

I am 20 and was out of the house when my dad remarried two years ago. My sister is 14. My stepsister is 12, and a childish 12 at that (still plays with her dolls and has a tendency toward tantrums). My stepsister hasn’t made a lot of friends after the move, and her mother overcompensates by sticking to the Brady Bunch B.S.: Your sister is your best friend! Meaning my sister can’t step out of the house without our stepsister on her heels. She can’t see her friends without taking our stepsister along or enjoy any personal activities at home without getting bugged to play with dolls again.

I will be working at a ranch this summer. My sister loves horses and can ride like the wind. My boss approved of me inviting her to visit for a month. It is the same month her birthday falls in. My dad approved when I first asked him. Then our stepsister threw a tantrum. She didn’t want to be alone during the summer and my sister “needed” to celebrate her 15th birthday by having a sleepover with her. Then my stepmother got in on the action—it wasn’t “fair” my sister got this trip and not my stepsister. My stepsister is afraid of horses! I am just trying to look after my sister here. I don’t know what to do.

—Troubled in the Heartland

Dear Troubled,

I’m annoyed for your sister and heartbroken for your stepsister, who could possibly be struggling with behavioral and emotional issues that go deeper than immaturity. I’m not a child development expert, and I don’t have kids, but tantrums strike me as more of a 2- to 7-year-old thing than a 12-year-old thing. Maybe raise this privately with your father and see if they’re open to getting outside opinions on whether she needs more support that he and your stepmom can provide.

Beyond sibling dynamics, let’s talk about the touchiest part of this. You don’t seem to really like the 12-year-old, nor do you seem to treat the girls equally. Maybe it’s because of her difficult personality. Maybe it’s because of the “step-” part. (Consider not using that and just calling her your sister. You’ve been around for two years, which is a lifetime to a kid, so you’re a big deal in her world.) Either way, it’s clear that you have a favorite, and it’s not her. But your stepmother—as unreasonable as she may be with her daily Brady Bunch demands—is right to sniff out this unfairness and try to fix it for her child.

I think your way forward here is to find a way to spend time with both of them. Yes, you should insist that the 14-year-old is allowed to come with you to the ranch. She’ll love it. She deserves it. And she really needs the time away from home, where she’s being unfairly burdened by the 12-year-old’s needs. Then you should plan a separate bonding experience with the 12-year-old. Offer a visit later in the summer or over her next holiday break, or something really special for her 16th birthday. If there are limitations around time and money this summer, promise her a month, even if it has to be divided up into several chunks across the year, with you and keep your word. Also, make plans to bond with them one-on-one when you visit. You can’t control what goes on in their home when you’re not there. But offering the older sister some freedom and the younger sister some individual attention could go a long way. Going forward, make sure you’re not playing favorites—or rather, revealing that you have one. Maybe one day you won’t.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I do not even know where to start with either of these but man the "it is your sisterly duty to cultivate a relationship with this stranger kid you dislike as a precondition of having a relationship with your actual sister" does not sit well with me.

But dang, mom and stepdad need to get the twelve year old involved in some activities *she's* passionate about, separate and apart form the 14 year old.

And "fun vacation of your choice with one friend," no complaining and no judgment from the grownups allowed, while 14yo is at horse camp, seems like a great place to start.

(Part of me wonders what the custody situation is like and of LW could slip last dad's authority by getting permission related documents from biomom instead. Which is probably not a terribly viable choice in the long term but which might get the kid to horse camp in the short term.)

I do not even know where to start with either of these but man the "it is your sisterly duty to cultivate a relationship with this stranger kid you dislike as a precondition of having a relationship with your actual sister" does not sit well with me.

Yeah. that's some serious bullshit. It's not only unfair to LW, but it's bad advice for 14-year-old, too. Having a cool older sister who takes you to the ranch is an awesome way to give this kid room for the generosity of spirit and personal growth to allow her to be nicer and more generous with the 12-year-old, who could stand from having some of her own time during the summer, as well. This is the plot of about 50% of middle grade realism!

The LW in 'Troubled' has had fourteen years of knowing her sister. Of course she's going to feel more towards her sister than her stepsister (even apart from behavioural issues) and not treat them equally.

I feel a distinct antipathy towards the idea that LW should show equal attention to the girls, but that might just be me wanting to smack the stepmother upside (and give the kid a shake). That said, a little attention to the stepsis probably wouldn't hurt, but having been suggested, that's entirely at LW's discretion.

And it really does sound like counselling is urgently needed for the kid (and the mom). Frankly, it looks to me like - in the complete opposite of what the stepmother hopes - the stepmom is setting her daughter up for both sisters to end up hating her.

I wonder if the 2nd columnist gives the same "drop the step" advice to people regarding parents. I am 100% more likely to call my stepfather on Father's Day than I am to call my bio father, for a constellation of reasons. I still consider my bio father my father, and my stepfather my stepfather, because there's a difference, and it matters.

I also have a stepsister I'm fond of, but whom I forget exists for at least a few seconds when a new acquaintance asks me about my family, because my mom remarried when I was 20, and I've never lived with said stepsister. Of course the LW is more invested in the kid LW has known for 14 years, and probably cohabited with for 12, than the kid LW has never lived with.

Ok yeah I don't have advice on the rest of it, but thought it was weird to suggest that it's like, disrespectful or a sign of dislike to call your stepsister, your stepsister. Obviously if people want to just use sister/father/whatever, that's cool but. Like. Idk. Stepsister to sister isn't an automatic upgrade, it's just different.

1. Sis is clearly not coping with guilt and loss well at ALL. But the solution isn't to spend more money on LW's daughter, it's probably to spend more time in therapy. LW needs to... I don't know, get her own therapy if she can't let this go.

2. Tantrum is such an ill-defined term. "Tendency to tantrums" can definitely include a lot of behavior that's age-typical for 12 year olds. They're a lot like toddlers, except they're better at arguing and you can't manhandle them anymore. That said, this all sounds like it's been hard on Stepsister, especially if she is out of step with her peers or otherwise has trouble making friends.

But this advice... I mean, there isn't much advice you can really give to LW, because "Your dad and stepmother need to find Stepsister some activities of her own that will hopefully expand her social circle without intruding on Sister's space" is not advice LW can meaningfully take. That doesn't mean that this advice is right or fair or actually does anything to address the problem here. It's perfectly reasonable for a young woman to prefer her sister over the stepsister she only met 2 years ago, and has never lived with. Anybody who'd expect LW to not do this is... I don't know.

LW1: It does sound like she’s going a little—maybe a lot—over the top.

“Maybe”? Most definitely. Still, this is the important part: “My daughter has asked me why her aunt doesn’t like her as much as Emily.” If LW could go back in time, just share that with Sis and not the rest. Since she can’t time travel, try to arrange trips to the zoo, water park, etc., that are about shared time, not money.

LW2: You’ve been around for two years, which is a lifetime to a kid, so you’re a big deal in her world.

No, no LW hasn’t. “I am 20 and was out of the house when my dad remarried two years ago.” LW is a young adult living their own life, and stepsister is a stranger who is in the midst of bad timing, age-wise. LW is at the age of actual independence. Sister is at the age of rebellion, where she is learning to assert her independence. Stepsister is still a kid who wants family to be close.

With any luck, this will all be a moot point when stepsister hits 13, turns into a raging ball of hormones, and stomps off to do what she wants. However, if she really is emotionally developmentally delayed, and/or her parents successfully make her believe that her step-siblings are her emotional support animals, it could be a mess.

In the short term, hell to the no on taking her to a horse ranch. Whether LW decides to do something special for her later depends on how much they feel okay-to-neutral about the girl herself and how much they feel attached to dad and want to keep some level of family relationship going.

Edited 2021-06-11 06:19 (UTC)

LW1: You are, at best, pathologically lacking in empathy and raising your kids badly. Whether your sister's coping strategies are healthy is irrelevant to anything you write here, which is selfishness incarnate. In fact, it's pretty clear that if your kids were given trips to Disney and Europe, you wouldn't care about Emily's relationship with your sister at all.

Emily has no fucking parents, you asshole. She's spoiled rotten, maybe, but she will also never be able to remember her own folks. Could you get off your high horse and remember that?

And, honestly, if I had been driving in a car crash that killed two of my best friends who had a one year old baby, I'd probably have -- let's redact this for content warning reasons, shall we? -- so kudos to your sister for coming up with a coping strategy that keeps her alive and doesn't hurt anybody.

Also, the fact that your kids know and care about your sister's relationship with Emily is on you. There's no way this is on their radar if you weren't bitching about precious orphan Emily and her trips to Europe in front of them.

Wow this one enraged me.

That one utterly enraged me too. I had to pair it with someone who actually cares about her sibling (the second letter).

yeah, I canNOT with LW1. Why did your kids even know? OK maybe they are old enough to have instagram or whatever -- it sounds like at this point Emily is old enough to be in charge of her own Amazon wishlist, possibly the niblings are, too -- but what the FUCK lady, your kids are getting $200/yr each from their aunt and it's not enough for you?

Dear Prudie: Two Letters About Siblings

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