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Dear Abby:
DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 20s, and my 18-year-old sister, "Judy," is attending community college. All my memories of her consist of her putting me down. We reconciled just as I was moving out.
Abby, she is extremely dependent on the family. She cannot do for herself. If I refuse to help her, I am told by my family that I'm selfish or a "b----." They have a running joke that she's going to live with me and be dependent on me when our parents die. I have heard that Judy is actually OK with it and looks forward to the day I can support her.
I have tried pointing out that it's neither healthy nor realistic, and her issues aren't my fault, but again, I am put down. They say we're family and it's my job to take care of her. But when did family become a job? -- OVERWHELMED SISTER
DEAR OVERWHELMED SISTER: Rather than listen to hearsay, ask your sister directly if she expects you to support her in years to come, because it may not be true. However, if it is, she needs to hear firsthand that it's not going to happen.
If your parents truly believe that your sister will not become self-sufficient, point out to them that they had better start putting money into a trust for her, if they haven't already, and name a trustee other than you. Being her caretaker is not your job, and you should not allow yourself to be bullied, shamed or ridiculed into agreeing to it.
no subject
When your parents call you, however, do your very best to refuse to discuss it. Practice this script: "Jody is an adult. She and I have discussed it, and if she needs to discuss it with me further, she knows where to find me." Stick to the script! And if it comes to it, be prepared to cut off conversations or leave gatherings over it.
no subject
While my sister was alive, I knew that she was probably going to end up my financial and emotional responsibility in the long-term, especially before she got into a stable and supported living situation with SSDI and section 8. I was angry and resentful about this, and so was my mother, but it was the reality.* We did eventually manage to have conversations about it, though, and I'm glad we did, because I know me well enough to know I would not have been able to stay out of it in the long run if she had outlived both my parents.
Meanwhile many of my friends have siblings who are financially dependent on their parents, and they haven't had that conversation with their parents, and I do wonder what is going to happen in the long run. The parents should be making estate planning decisions which involve trustees (or they should be prepared to just cut the adult sibling loose), and not having that conversation with their other children is actually problematic.
It may well be that LW's parents will not accept what LW says. It may well be that they are unable or unwilling to make real estate planning decisions. It may well be that this will cause more drama than it fixes. But LW should have a good, hard self-inspection, possibly with the help of a therapist. What will she feel obliged to do if her parents die without making any provisions for Judy? What if Judy becomes homeless? If LW suspects that she will end up caring for Judy in that circumstance no matter what she has told her parents, then she really does need to talk to them now, or she is just putting off a terrible situation.
* "Having been resentful about the long-term care options of a now-dead loved one": My issues, a play in three acts.