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Brother's Difficult Behavior Jeopardizes Reconciliation
DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My brother and I have had issues on and off for the last 10 years. Over the last few years, we reconnected, and it’s been great. We both moved to our home state and were getting along great.
The other night, he was clearly intoxicated and called my cell phone, which my 6-year-old son was watching videos on. My son brought me my phone, and I could hear my brother screaming on the other end. He was yelling something to the effect of, “Bring your mother the f---ing phone,” and when I spoke with him he continued on with the cussing, telling me how my son should not be allowed to use my phone, and that if I continue letting him, I’ll have nothing but problems with my son, who he called a “little f---er” and so on.
I bit my tongue hoping he was talking in a joking way. Well, he was not, and continued cussing and referring to my son as a “little f---er”.
Whatever he said to my son hurt his feeling so much that he cried. He loves his uncle so much.
I waited until the next day to confront my brother. I told him how his behavior hurt my son and that I hoped that he was just having a bad day. Well, as I figured would happen, he told me to never speak to him again.
He has three children, two of them have birthdays this month. They have been estranged for about 10 years and he does not have relationships with them. They have not been a part of his life since they were five and six. So I figure he was just dealing with that in a bad way. Even so, I will not allow anyone to speak to my children that way.
I guess my question is, do I try to mend this relationship, or do I let it go? Last time I let it go, it lasted 5 years.
Our father passed away in 2011 and I do not speak to our mother. My stepmother just passed away a few weeks ago. I am running out of family. --- BROKENHEARTED SISTER
DEAR BROKENHEARTED SISTER: I rarely see anything being gained by permanently cutting someone off after a confrontation. Without communication, there’s no hope for healing. However, that doesn’t mean a cooling-off period isn’t useful.
Right now feelings are raw, and if your theory is correct about your brother having a particularly bad time because of the absence of his own kids in his life, then his being around a more intact family may be another aggravation of his pain.
I think you should give it a little time. While how the holidays will shape up in this pandemic world may be uncertain, they could still be a viable excuse for reaching out to your brother one more time. If you’re concerned his being around your children may set off his anger or sorrow, perhaps consider taking the first steps back into his life as a solo act, and then after a meeting or two, you may get a better feel for how advisable it would be to reintroduce him to your immediate family circle.
Protecting your children is a top priority, and if you don’t feel your brother’s ready to behave around them, then there’s no good to be had rushing a reintroduction.
https://www.uexpress.com/ask-someone-elses-mom/2020/9/1/brothers-difficult-behavior-jeopardizes-reconciliation
The other night, he was clearly intoxicated and called my cell phone, which my 6-year-old son was watching videos on. My son brought me my phone, and I could hear my brother screaming on the other end. He was yelling something to the effect of, “Bring your mother the f---ing phone,” and when I spoke with him he continued on with the cussing, telling me how my son should not be allowed to use my phone, and that if I continue letting him, I’ll have nothing but problems with my son, who he called a “little f---er” and so on.
I bit my tongue hoping he was talking in a joking way. Well, he was not, and continued cussing and referring to my son as a “little f---er”.
Whatever he said to my son hurt his feeling so much that he cried. He loves his uncle so much.
I waited until the next day to confront my brother. I told him how his behavior hurt my son and that I hoped that he was just having a bad day. Well, as I figured would happen, he told me to never speak to him again.
He has three children, two of them have birthdays this month. They have been estranged for about 10 years and he does not have relationships with them. They have not been a part of his life since they were five and six. So I figure he was just dealing with that in a bad way. Even so, I will not allow anyone to speak to my children that way.
I guess my question is, do I try to mend this relationship, or do I let it go? Last time I let it go, it lasted 5 years.
Our father passed away in 2011 and I do not speak to our mother. My stepmother just passed away a few weeks ago. I am running out of family. --- BROKENHEARTED SISTER
DEAR BROKENHEARTED SISTER: I rarely see anything being gained by permanently cutting someone off after a confrontation. Without communication, there’s no hope for healing. However, that doesn’t mean a cooling-off period isn’t useful.
Right now feelings are raw, and if your theory is correct about your brother having a particularly bad time because of the absence of his own kids in his life, then his being around a more intact family may be another aggravation of his pain.
I think you should give it a little time. While how the holidays will shape up in this pandemic world may be uncertain, they could still be a viable excuse for reaching out to your brother one more time. If you’re concerned his being around your children may set off his anger or sorrow, perhaps consider taking the first steps back into his life as a solo act, and then after a meeting or two, you may get a better feel for how advisable it would be to reintroduce him to your immediate family circle.
Protecting your children is a top priority, and if you don’t feel your brother’s ready to behave around them, then there’s no good to be had rushing a reintroduction.
https://www.uexpress.com/ask-someone-elses-mom/2020/9/1/brothers-difficult-behavior-jeopardizes-reconciliation
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It sucks that LW doesn't have a mother to talk to anymore, but there's probably a good reason for that. And it sucks that LW's brother is so unpleasant, and he probably wouldn't want to be like this if he had a choice either, but LW can't heal him, and LW shouldn't hurt herself to try either.
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Sending a note to that person unreservedly apologizing for whatever enabling of the brother she's done in the past, and a commitment to not doing any more of it, might help. (Or not, potentially.)
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GOSH I wonder why LW's brother is estranged from his children PERHAPS his behaviour here is a clue.
Brother asked LW not to speak to him. LW should take him at his word and find better people to hang out with, ones who don't insult and upset her young children.
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If you feel that strongly about family, you can decide whether you need to cut him off entirely, but I kind of suggest you maybe keep it to a Christmas-cards-only sort of connection until your kids are adults and then reassess.
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I will not allow anyone to speak to my children that way.
and
I guess my question is, do I try to mend this relationship, or do I let it go?
is just... argh. Read your own words, LW! "Mending this relationship" = allowing someone to curse drunkenly at your kids, ok? You just said you won't allow that. He's not even sorry. (Even if he were full of apologies, I'd advise low contact and no unsupervised access to the kids ever, with a zero tolerance policy toward any further nastiness to or around them. The fact that he's NOT sorry means he thinks this is acceptable behavior! Chasing after him would say that you do too!)
Protect your kids and ditch the asshole from your life.
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If this were a boyfriend/husband/significant other we'd all be telling LW to run for the hills. I don't think it should be any different just because they are related.
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Sometimes bio-families are not fixable - I'm there with my own bio-family and why I don't speak to them - and families of choice are the way to go. I know it hurts, LW, but it's time to let it go.