Dear Prudence: I Helped My Sister Burn Her Wedding Dress. Now My Other Sister Won’t Speak to Me.

[minoanmiss]

I don’t want this feud to spread, but I feel stuck.

My two sisters and I are all close in age. “Chloe” got engaged first but has put the wedding off due to grad school. “Zoe” got engaged a few months afterward and was looking at a whirlwind wedding. She bought the dress and then caught her fiancé cheating on her. I was with Zoe at the time, and she was devastated. We got drunk and emotional, and Zoe decided to burn the dress along with some of her ex’s things. I was just happy to see Zoe stop crying. We held a “ceremony” where she cleansed herself of everything that came from him and posted a picture to a private social media account. Chloe texted me in a rage: Why had I let Zoe ruin “her” dress? Chloe thought Zoe should have given her the dress since they are similar in size and said she was owed it since her wedding budget was already stretched thin.

I told her that was the most selfish thing I have ever heard and that she needed to get some perspective. She told me Zoe and I “don’t get” how hard her life is. I blocked her number. Chloe has neither apologized nor mentioned anything to anyone. She’s been very cold to me ever since, and everyone else in our family has noticed. She stirs the pot by saying “She knows what she did” about me, and I get asked why we are fighting. I haven’t revealed the truth, since it will hurt Zoe. She is still angry in general and might actually throw something at our sister’s head. At the least, she would probably refuse to attend Chloe’s wedding. What do I do here, other than remind my sister I have the texts?

—Burned

I can appreciate your motives for wanting to contain the fight, not least because you worry Zoe will blow up and cause everyone more problems. But I just don’t think this is sustainable in the long run, especially since Chloe’s already hinting that this is your fault and has demonstrated she’s comfortable behaving unreasonably. My worry is that if you try to keep things quiet, she’ll get her version of the story out first—and it’s likely to be a lie. Even if you don’t want to let Chloe’s possible future actions dictate what you do, there are other reasons to consider talking to at least Zoe. For example, are you prepared to attend Chloe’s wedding (assuming you’re still invited) under present conditions?

But before you consider whether to answer your relatives’ questions, I think it’s worth pushing Chloe to have one more conversation with you, even though she’s demonstrated pretty awful judgment thus far. “I love you, and I don’t want this to be what drives a wedge between us. It was important for Zoe to be able to get rid of something that represented her cheating ex. It wasn’t a statement about how hard your life has been, and I don’t think she owed it to you. If you’re willing to apologize and let this go, I am too. I really hope you want to, because I don’t want to fight about this anymore.” If she fails to course-correct, it may be necessary for you to talk to Zoe about it so she’s not put in the middle of you two. But break the news to her as gently as possible, without elaborating, and don’t show her the text messages unless you absolutely have to. Just because you have to tell her something difficult doesn’t mean you have to go for the most painful option.

Comments

[xenacryst]

I'm curious: is this the first time that "Chloe" has acted selfishly and hurtfully? Because I'm guessing it's not.

[cimorene]

This advice isn't the worst I've ever seen, but it's giving a surprisingly large benefit of the doubt to someone whose behavior is completely off the wall...

[darjeeling]

This. LW may choose to give Chloe another chance (and if she does, she's a better person than I'd be in this situation) but she in no way owes one to Chloe under the guise of good family relationships or otherwise.

[cereta]

1. LW should definitely tell Zoe, because yes, Chloe is highly likely to lie. Frankly, I'd be bluntly telling anyone who asked, because I've been through this kind of bullshit (fortunately, the people in question didn't believe the wild accusation, but it was still infuriating), and no way am I doing it again.

2. If this is a pattern on Chloe's part (and while I could understand the situation maybe bringing out buried resentments, I'm a little hard pressed to believe it's new), then LW may want to consider just not trying to have a relationship with her. It doesn't have to be an active breaking of ties. Just...don't call, don't try to arrange get-togethers, don't seek her out at family events.

[mirlacca]

This. Chloe is coming across as a selfish, entitled bitch here.

[grammarwoman]

I have to wonder if Chloe is feeling like her wedding hoopla got stepped on by Zoe's announcement (and maybe ugly vindicated when Zoe's blew up), so she's going full Bridezilla, sisterly closeness be damned.

[cereta]

Quite possibly. She also may not be able to afford as grand a wedding as Zoe had planned (whoo, boy, been there, done that), which would only aggravate that feeling. (To be clear, I didn't personally care about the wedding, but there have been other situations where I felt the difference in incomes keenly.) It doesn't remotely excuse her behavior, but if this is atypical behavior for her, it might be a perfect storm of insecurity and feeling overshadowed.

[conuly]

I take it that this is the first anybody else heard of Chloe's plans for that dress?

[lavendertook]

That would make a big difference to me in how to regard Chloe, and I I wouldn't be surprised if they knew Chloe was hoping for the dress, and burned it anyway, even though they could have gotten enough catharsis from burning the ex's things. This feels like another letter where too much of the other side is left out to know how to judge.

Chloe's being grad school poor and in a bad emotional place as so many people in grad school are when struggling financially is not an insignificant issue. I'm not feeling much trust for this LW and how she is positioning herself as The Good One. That Zoe posted to social media before talking to Chloe makes me think she is the deliberately left out third wheel and it's odd how Chloe texts LW instead of Zoe and the LW seems perfectly comfortable with that position. Games within games.

Chloe, there are lovely dresses in thrift shops--go that route and the less you depend on and talk to these 2 the better for you.

[conuly]

I wouldn't be surprised if they knew Chloe was hoping for the dress, and burned it anyway, even though they could have gotten enough catharsis from burning the ex's things.

I definitely didn't read it that way, though I can see how you did.

[cynthia1960]

Hm. I'd think that there was some bad juju/vibes around that dress and wouldn't want it near me or my wedding.