Care and Feeding I Took One Look at My Sister’s Engagement Ring and Realized Her Fiancé’s Secret

[minoanmiss]

My sister “Vivian” announced her engagement to her boyfriend “Justin” at Thanksgiving. Everyone congratulated them and “ooohed” and “aaahed” over the headlight of a diamond in her engagement ring. Later in the evening, our 1-year-old nephew had a diaper blowout, and Vivian took off her engagement ring and had me hang on to it for her while she went to give our sister-in-law a hand. I work in the jewelry industry as a gemstone buyer and took the opportunity to inspect the VERY large diamond in the ring.

The “diamond” was a fake: The interior of the stone displayed an array of rainbow colors as I maneuvered it, and when I breathed on it, the fog from my breath took several seconds to dissipate. Real diamonds will only show white and grey sparkles within the stone, and when breathed upon, the fog will dissipate immediately.

When Vivian returned, I gave her back the ring and said nothing about what I had discovered. Vivian is thrilled to be marrying Justin and is equally thrilled with her ring. On social media and to anyone who will listen in person, she’s been gushing over it and how wonderful Justin is to have bought it for her. Justin has been drinking in the praise. I know she would be crushed to find out the diamond isn’t real, but if Justin is deceiving her with a fake stone, I wonder what else he could be hiding from her and if that is reason enough to tell her. To complicate matters further, a few days ago, Vivian asked me if I could take the ring to my workplace for an appraisal so she can have an idea of how much she should insure it for (Justin doesn’t know about her request). I lied and said we were a bit backlogged with the holidays approaching and that it would be a week or two before I could get around to it. Obviously, I can’t put her request off forever. What’s the right thing to do here? Tell Vivian the truth? Go to Justin, tell him I know the stone isn’t real, and see how he reacts? Take the ring in to be appraised, wait for the report, and pretend to be as shocked as she is when the results come back? Help!

—Between a Fake Rock and a Hard Place

Dear Hard Place,

Take it in to be appraised, as she requested, wait for the report (and if possible, have it sent directly to her), and be a shoulder to cry on if she is as disappointed as you believe she will be. Try not to think of being kind to her—supportive, empathetic, a good listener—as “pretending.” Try to think of it instead as being a loving sister who is also (silently, forever) sorry about having performed an unasked-for, unofficial, blow-test appraisal of the deliriously happy Vivian’s ring in the first place.

If she asks you if you suspected that the diamond was a fake, I counsel a shrug and silence. And if she pushes you, why not say what is absolutely true? “It’s none of my business, after all.”

—Michelle

Comments

[onlysmallwings]

LW, file that under "none of my business" and move on. Maybe fiance chose the lab-created diamond for reasons. (Cost, availability, no connection to horrific mining practices) Maybe sister knows it's not a 'real' diamond and still wants to know how to value it for insurance. It remains 0% your business.

[topaz_eyes]

Except, lab-created (synthetic) diamonds are real diamonds. A synthetic diamond will still pass the fog test. This letter is about a fake gem. LW should refer sister to another reputable appraisal firm.

[onlysmallwings]

huh! I did not know that!

LW should refer sister out, yeah. Don't touch that drama.

[ethelmay]

IIUC, lab gems are now insanely cheap, and there's essentially no reason to buy the expensive kind except Tradition and conspicuous consumption (of course, was there ever?). I occasionally look at my rather expensive (by my standards) wedding set and get a bit annoyed that we spent that kind of money (though both the marriage and the jewelry have held up fine for over thirty years).

[minoanmiss]

Hooray for your marriage!

[petrea_mitchell]

If Vivian thinks the ring is real, and a report comes back from LW's workplace saying it isn't, LW runs the risk of being accused of pranking her or trying to sabotage the engagement. LW should extend that "sorry, we're really busy right now" to "but Other Jeweler Such-and-Such might have time to look at it for you".

[dine]

yes, this exactly

[movingfinger]

Yes, Vivian, for many reasons!, should be the one taking the ring in for appraisal. And LW should cast this as, we're swamped but X and Y are great and you should do this because a good ring needs to be insured. Then, have no further opinions about it.

[topaz_eyes]

If she asks you if you suspected that the diamond was a fake, I counsel a shrug and silence.

I don't think this is good advice, because a) Vivian already knows of LW's expertise, and b) LW's silence will be taken as confirmation anyway. Also, if Vivian doesn't already know (or suspect) that the diamond is fake, she does not need any more betrayal by LW on top of the betrayal her fiance has already caused by giving her a fake diamond. I agree with petrea_mitchell, LW needs to refer Vivian to another reputable appraisal firm so Vivian can be confident with an unbiased result (and this should be the word LW uses if Vivian asks why LW's firm won't do it). And then LW needs to support Vivian.

[conuly]

Normally I'd consider this an obvious MYOB situation, but in this case Vivian asked for an appraisal, so LW should probably just go do that and let the chips fall where they may.

[ioplokon]

Maybe I'm cheap but if I spent $100 on an appraisal that I could have avoided because my sibling spotted what sounds like a reasonably obvious fake, I would be annoyed.

I think either tell her or send it for the appraisal depending on the sister's personality & the sibling relationship.

[katiedid717]

I wonder if it's possible that sister knows it isn't a diamond or if she requested moissanite/white sapphire/etc and that LW is just being judgmental based on an assumption? It's entirely possible that sister already knows that the ring isn't a diamond but still wants to have it appraised.

[dissectionist]

It’s dodgy of the sister to be gushing about her “huge diamond” online and to her family if she knows it isn’t a diamond, but it certainly wouldn’t be the first time that people lied to make their lives sound more impressive.

[katiedid717]

The letter doesn't specifically state that she's gushing over the diamond though, it says she's gushing over the ring and her fiance.

[sushiflop]

LW is an appraiser, rocks are their job and I imagine they know about other wedding stones. They also haven't included transcripts of everything sister said about the ring. I wouldn't be surprised if their performing the diamond test stemmed from sister's gushing about a diamond.

Not that you're necessarily wrong but I don't think we can really know that LW jumped to an erroneous unsupported conclusion based off of what was written here.

[frenzy]

These were my thoughts as well!

[melannen]

If that's the case, surely she would have mentioned it when asking LW to do the appraisal? Otherwise she's just setting up for this situation to happen when the appraisal happens- LW learning it's not a diamond and thinking her fiance is a liar.

[teaotter]

Wow. It isn't "none of my business" if I suspect my sister's fiancé is deceiving her about something she feels is important. How it comes out isn't my business, and whether she forgives him isn't my business. But making her aware of the potential deception *is* my business. Preferably in private, so she can react however she prefers.

So sending her elsewhere for the appraisal, and having the report sent directly to her, is the best path. Then she knows whatever there is to be known, and can handle it as privately or publicly as she wishes.

And if my sister came to me afterward and asked me if I suspected, I'd tell her the truth -- that I did, and I was conflicted about what to say and relieved when she asked for an appraisal. Why lie to her???

[sushiflop]

+1 to just telling the truth about not knowing what to say. It's a sticky situation and totally understandable to not know how to handle it. Sibling can then be there for sister however is called for.

[minoanmiss]

Is it terrible of me that I'd rather have a rainbow sparkling gem than a white sparkling gem?

[cereta]

I find diamonds boring. My engagement ring is a garnet.

[harpers_child]

Garnets are so pretty!

[harpers_child]

I went for several small sapphires in a non-traditional setting. (Think roses on a twisted branch.) The stones are cast in place because I've met me and know the kind of wear and tear I do to rings.