Dear Prudence: My family is freaking out because I made my brother get his own Netflix

[lilysea]

Q. My family is freaking out because I made my brother get his own Netflix: When my brother went to college across the country, I added him onto my Netflix and gave him all the info. At the time it was still cheap and allowed four people to use it at time. I also sent him money, gift cards, bought him nice meals and pizza remotely, and listened to him complain about how much he hated the beautiful, tropical destination vacation spot his college was located in. Our parents supported him fully; rent, phone, car, insurance, grocery money, etc. This was not something offered to me, as I am the “black sheep” of the family, but I digress. After three years away, my brother came home and immediately landed his dream job. He is back home living at my parents’ and has no bills other than his still-deferred student loans. He brags about having cash on Facebook and suddenly can afford a loan for a brand-new truck and a motorcycle. When he asked me for the Netflix info again I explained they raised the price and only allowed two screens at a time. I have a husband and a child. We can’t afford cable. We have bills and rent to pay for, and I have a lot of medical bills. No one has ever given me any financial assistance. Rather than paying for additional screens for him, I told my brother he was a big boy now and could afford his own Netflix or just use the free internet and cable at my parents’. He now won’t speak to me and my parents have flipped out on me because I don’t understand “his” struggles. I think they’re babying him but everyone is so angry I keep wondering if I’m actually wrong. Thoughts?

A: Your brother is being very silly. Your parents are being, if possible, even sillier. There is nothing you can do to help them through their unnecessary tantrums. You are not harming your adult brother in any way by refusing to provide him with a free video-streaming service. His well-being is in no way impaired by no longer having access to your Recently Watched list; I suspect that if this is the reason he is willing to cut off all contact with you, you are better off not hearing from him. The amount of anger your (perfectly reasonable!) boundary has invoked does not make you wrong; your family members are behaving irrationally, and there is nothing you can do beyond calmly and firmly restating your boundary: “I’m not going to keep providing Cranthony with free Netflix, but if you’d ever like to discuss something else, I’d be more than happy to chat about [your sciatica/what I’m reading/the cat’s gout].” It may be true that you don’t understand your brother’s struggles, but I can assure you that “not having access to your Netflix” is not one of them.

Comments

[mommy]

If the brother has a job and minimal bills, then surely he can afford his own Netflix subscription? LW has their own life and concerns, and isn't obligated to give anything away. There's no reason to go any further into the topic or their brother's life choices.

[amireal]

I think using the word silly reduces what sort of potential situation this is. Maybe I've been doing too much research but this is a classic golden child/scapegoat child dynamic and its a tinderbox waiting to happen. Seriously, getting upset about 15 dollars a month in his specific situation? I'd bet good money the word "ungrateful" was used to describe the child who is actually attempting to be fiscally responsible.

[jadelennox]

Yeah, this is the sort of situation where, viewing as a friend, you end up contemplating how angry your friend will be at you if you show up at the parents' house and tell them they are a bunch of assholes. I've seen so many family dynamics like this, and I always so angry that there's nothing I can do to intervene.

I feel like the only thing I would have added to Prudence's answer is "and maybe you should consider therapy, because if your family treat you this way and you start wondering if you are in the wrong, there are some steps you might need to start taking for self care."

[kutsuwamushi]

This is another one of those letters where "the other side" is so completely unreasonable that I feel like it's made up. But then, completely unreasonable people do exist...