How To Do It: Every Time a Girlfriend Learns My Secret From My College Years … Things Get Awkward

[minoanmiss]

I’m terrified she’ll leave me if she finds out.

I am currently in my early 30s, and I’m almost four years into the most loving, supportive relationship I’ve ever had. My queen (let’s call her Emily) has been there for me through the passing of both of my parents, I helped her get her business up and running, and we weathered the storm of her being a small business owner during a pandemic. I feel like we communicate very well, I only have my frame of reference but I feel like the sex is phenomenal. I bought a ring last November and plan on proposing.

At some point, after I purchased the ring, we had a party and she got very drunk and revealed that she was “kinda weirded out” by bisexual men who hook up with other men. She believes that they MUST be closeted homosexuals, and should stop duping women into believing that they are capable of male-female relationships. I was shocked by this; we are both forward-thinking, seemingly progressive people. The problem is, for about three months in college I was in a same-sex relationship. It started out very innocently, with a few drunk hookups but it was a pretty serious thing for a significant part of my life. I had two or three other flings that were similar, but have not had any desire to do anything with a man since. The only two other girls that I have been remotely serious with, the relationships turned awkward and uncomfortable after I revealed this part of my past to them.

To that end, I have not revealed this information to Emily. I am both uncomfortable with her opinions and terrified that she’ll leave me if she finds out. I am weighing the pros and cons of just burying this part of my past—the friends that I still have who know about that part of my life are people that I trust would never reveal that information. But I do feel like you can never really be in a relationship with someone if things like that are topics you feel uncomfortable disclosing. What do you think that I should do?

—Occasionally Curious Carlos
Dear Carlos,

I think there’s a high-minded, extremely principled answer to the effect of, “Dump her to show her the error of her ways and make the world that much less biphobic.” But I don’t think that’s necessarily practical. People are imperfect, and even the seemingly coolest people may hold onto some outdated and/or toxic beliefs. (Remember how Cher had an issue with her son Chaz’s initially stated sexuality and then gender identity?) Everyone is a work in progress, including the queens among us. You get to set your limit for what you will tolerate in a partner. You also get to say, “I would like to continue being with this person who practices bi-erasure as a matter of course,” and then continue being with that person.

Emily is coming from a place of ignorance that your life experience could in theory obliterate, if she is open to enlightenment. That’s a big if. Whether tempting fate is worth it depends on how important your past experiences with men are to you. Did they contribute to the formation of your identity, or are they merely discrete encounters that happened and were nice, but will be relegated strictly to your past? Do you think you’ll get curious again and want to act on it? If your bisexuality is mostly circumstantial and won’t really come up again other than in conversation, I think you’re justified in letting her comments slide. Her ignorance needn’t blow up your life; it’s bad enough that it colors her worldview. If you foresee a time when you’ll be in an open arrangement and theoretically available to hook up with another dude, or if it’s too big a part of your identity that suppressing all acknowledgement would qualify as effective deception, you should reveal and hope for the best. I’m guessing you’re leaning more toward the circumstantial scenario as it had not yet come up in your years together prior to her reveal.

Also! She was drunk when she said this, which could mean that she really feels like bi dudes aren’t a thing. It could also mean she was exaggerating for effect, or even better, that she was just talking shit. Alcohol can be a truth serum, yes, but it can also be liquid bullshit. I think you need to engage her on the topic when she’s sober to get a better grip on her actual position. You can take the opportunity then to push back on her misconceptions about bi men without divulging your personal experience. If you position the conversation as a thought exercise, you can collect information that could help you plan the next step.

Comments

In vino iraeque veritas.

[minoanmiss]

Oh Carlos, my heart is broken for you. My first instinct is to tell you to cut your losses and go find Cecil/ia . If I were you I wouldn't be able to resist telling her because I could not go on without finding out if she would hate me for being in a group of people she just condemned. OTOH I may be too picky. I didn't date someone for being a creationist and I didn't become someone's roommate because she vocally and frequently hated on transformative works, a major hobby of mine.

Still, I think it's going to eat at you, loving her, not knowing if she would love you if she knew who you really are.

And yet it'll be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, to look into her beloved eyes and risk your relationship.

My heart is broken for you. I can only hope that she apologizes, re-evaluates, and your honesty deepens your and her love. But I can't guarantee it.

PS Rich, STFU.

Re: In vino iraeque veritas.

[ermingarden]

I could not go on without finding out if she would hate me for being in a group of people she just condemned – this! Exactly!

I didn't date someone for being a creationist and I didn't become someone's roommate because she vocally and frequently hated on transformative works – I certainly wouldn't date either of these people, either!

Re: In vino iraeque veritas.

[sathari]

IMO, you're not picky, you're sensibly selective! Also, as I once said to a dear friend, if there is any place in your life where you should absolutely be as picky, even seemingly "arbitrarily" so, it's your sex life--- if you're not into someone for whatever reason, making yourself have sexytiems with someone who doesn't turn you on is just... not okay. And frankly I think the pandemic might have been easier on everyone if people were more selective about whom they live with, romantically or otherwise--- I mean, shitty housing market is a thing, but I suspect that one of the things that made the pandemic so hard on so many people is that they never expected to spend that much time with the people they shared living space with.

And, yeah, LW should definitely tell his girlfriend the truth.

Re: In vino iraeque veritas.

[kshandra]

Oh Carlos, my heart is broken for you. My first instinct is to tell you to cut your losses and go find Cecil/ia .

I see what you did there. (I shall now say nothing, and drink to forget.)

Re: In vino iraeque veritas.

[ashbet]

I noticed, and was pleased by, that as well ^_^

But, yeah. I would not want to spend my life in fear that the wrong word dropped by an old friend, acquaintance, or ex could destroy my life.

Don’t build your future on quicksand, Carlos.

Re: In vino iraeque veritas.

[minoanmiss]

grin

[ermingarden]

I think LW absolutely has to tell her; it's just going to eat at him otherwise. I remember when I was in the closet, that sense of having a secret from everyone I knew made it very difficult to form close friendships, and I imagine it would impede LW's experience of the relationship.

He should make his decisions about the future of the relationship once he's heard Emily's response.

[ambyr]

Do you think you’ll get curious again and want to act on it?

The fuck? LW didn’t say anything about being “curious”; he said he dated a dude. Hey Rich, bi people aren’t bi only when they’re engaged in simultaneous relationships with multiple genders. If Emily’s bi-erasure doesn’t bother you, Rich, that’s probably because you’ve got a death grip on a big ole eraser yourself.

[ioplokon]

I guess I agree with the content of the advice (LW's decision is his to make & only he can weigh if this relationship is worth being closeted for), but not the way it was delivered.

1. I really doubt she was pretending to mistrust bisexual men for a bit????????????????????? Like, come on...
2. The closet is inherently harmful. It's not just about not being able to date people, it's wondering who knows, knowing that people are in your life conditionally, etc. I know some bi guys who aren't out irl or are only out to one or two people because they don't feel like coming out would change anything about their lives in a positive way. Even though they feel like it's not a big deal, idk, it's still kinda shitty.
3. So, like, bi people do place different amounts of importance on the fact that they're bisexual & have different needs? But LW came out to several of his previous partners, which makes it seem like it's not an "incidental" thing about him to not discuss "a pretty serious thing for a significant part of [his] life"
3a. Bisexual people in monogamous relationships don't (necessarily) experience bisexuality "incidentally"? Even if LW never dated a man again, he is still allowed to consider his experiences as important and it's normal he'd want to share that with a woman he loves?
4. LW' himself says that being able to discuss this an important part of what he wants out of a relationship.

So... idk I think it's hard. LW really does risk his girlfriend leaving him if he comes out (or letting her biphobia poison the relationship). Based on what he's said about his experiences and desires in a relationship, it sounds like he should at least try it. But ultimately, it's up to him :/

[redbird]

Never mind "dump her to show her the error of her ways," my advice would have been "come out to her, because it matters to you, and if it is going to be a problem, you should find out now."

Ambyr, I think Rich picked up "curious" from the letter writer's signature. It's still not a good framing, but maybe Rich is trying to meet the letter writer where he is.

[tielan]

Yes to coming out and finding out 'the worst' now.

[ambyr]

My understanding has always been that the columnists are the ones who write the snappy signature lines that go with letters, so I just took that as further example of his biphobia.

[mommy]

I'm stuck on how Rich seems to think that the closet is a nice place to live in.

[minoanmiss]

I KNOW. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT.

[harpers_child]

LW, I feel for as a fellow bi, but I had a policy of telling people by date number two to make sure they knew back in my dating days.

[laurajv]

There's honestly a weird uncurrent of biphobia in this answer that makes me REALLY uncomfortable.

[minoanmiss]

I'm horrified! What the hell, Rich?

[lavendertook]

Totally. It’s his trying to make it sound reasonable that puts the weird spin on it, like it’s the 1980s still, as it is for many people when it comes to biphobia.

[conuly]

WTF is with this answer?

[kindkit]

What terrible advice.

One of the things I'm wondering is how much Carlos has already had to lie to Emily. He had at least one serious relationship with a man, and two to three (he doesn't remember?) he describes as "flings" but also says were "similar" to his serious relationship. That's a lot to hide. Is he just omitting those months/years of his life? Is he turning his boyfriends into girlfriends? And it seems pretty clear, or else he wouldn't have written the letter, that these aren't relationships he wants to forget or to lie about. It's a big part of his life experience, not a one-night stand that didn't work out.

I'm also struck by Carlos saying of his serious relationship, "It started out very innocently, with a few drunk hookups but it was a pretty serious thing." So a drunk hookup with another guy is "innocent," but a relationship with one isn't? It's okay to sleep with a guy but not to date him or love him?

I don't want to read too much into a word choice, but I think Carlos is struggling with some internalized issues, not just with Emily's biphobia.

[ethelmay]

Yeah, I agree. Like, asking your friends to conceal stuff about you ("the friends that I still have who know about that part of my life are people that I trust would never reveal that information"), he seems to think that's a normal thing to do? No. No, it is not.

[kiezh]

The thing is. It's not just about who you dated or might want to date. It's about how you live in the world, how you react to the latest development in the culture wars, how you flinch at clueless straight people saying clueless straight people things, the added cognitive load when people assume YOU'RE straight and you have to run a bunch of mental calculus to decide if you want to push back, if you can AFFORD to push back, what are the possible consequences--

It's everything about being a queer person in the world. It's watching your nearest and dearest carefully when a topic related to gender or sexuality or social justice for queer people comes up, bracing yourself, hoping you won't have to swallow (yet more) hurt at the thoughtless things they say, arguing with yourself about whether it would be "worth it" to confront them.

Staying in the closet isn't an easy, frictionless answer. Even if she never finds out you dated a guy, LW, it's still going to hang over you that she thinks "people like that" (like you) are fake, liars, untrustworthy.

I think you need to give her the chance to show her true, non-drunken colors. Find out if she's really capable of seeing you as a person, or if her kneejerk prejudices are more important than what you've built together over four years. Can she be your ally, your partner, your champion when the world stomps you flat? If the answer to that is "only if I lie to her about who I am for the rest of my life", you shouldn't marry her.

Sometimes people do change their minds, when it's someone they love on the line, when it's no longer a hypothetical "people like that" and is instead "THIS person, who I care about, who is hurting." I hope Emily can be one of them.

well put

[redbird]

Yes, that's a lot of cognitive and emotional load, from the things he'll be rephrasing or just not saying to his partner, for as long as they're together. This isn't about whether to wear identifying pins at the supermarket or while going through airport security, it's about being able to relax at home, in social situations, and so on.

[lassarina]

^ All of this.

I have a friend who is gay. Very long ago, this friend had a significant emotional attachment to a woman and thought, perhaps, she'd be the exception. It turned out she wasn't, and that was hurtful for both of them, but (as far as I know) they healed and remained friends eventually.

The reason I bring this up is that I wonder if Emily had such a situation.

.....in general though the biphobia in the response is wrecking me, as a bi woman married to a man. I am so fucking tired of only being able to be bi if I am, what, literally constantly engaged in a m/f/m threesome??? come the fuck ON.

[haggis]

This is heartbreaking. Your partner and your home should be a safe place where you don't have to hide things about yourself or fear being judged for something perfectly normal. My recommendation is to find other bi people and talk to them about your shared experiences. It helps unravel the shame and bolster your faith that you deserve to be treated better.