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agonyaunt2024-06-09 03:32 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2024-06-09 03:32 pm
Entry tags:
Care & Feeding: Wedding vs Stepchild
Actual title: My Stepchild Is Planning a Big Reveal to the Family at Our Wedding. How Can I Stop This?I just want a drama-free moment.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My partner and I have been together for 10 years and we each have kids from prior relationships. We are getting married this winter. His youngest is 18 and last year came out to us, saying that he no longer identified as he/him but instead wanted to be referred to as they/them. We are supportive of all our kids and who they are, so we told them that, and it hasn’t ever been an issue. They have never made any changes to the way they dress, have not changed their name or hair, and they have not made any other outward changes to their appearance based on this revelation. Other family members (such as their grandparents) have not been informed of this situation yet, out of concern that it might not be taken well. Now we have a problem.
We’ve been planning this wedding for years and previously assumed that all of our kids (all born male) would be wearing suits that match the groom’s. There are no bridesmaids, so previously the only one wearing a dress up there was going to be me. Now my partner’s child has said that they’d prefer to wear a dress. We love them and we want to be supportive, but the fact that they have never demonstrated a desire to change their outward appearance in almost a year since this revelation, and are choosing our wedding as the time to come out to literally the entire family is upsetting to me. It’s supposed to be our day, not theirs, and I feel like this is going to be a huge distraction from the purpose of the event. We are paying lots of money for this wedding and I feel like this is hijacking it and turning it into their coming out party. I hate that. I feel like telling them that if this is what they want to wear, they need to come out to the rest of the family themselves ahead of time so it isn’t as big a distraction on that day, but I realize that’s forcing them to do something they might not be ready to do. But if they can’t do that, I also don’t feel right about forcing them to wear a suit. Please help me navigate this new water. I just want a happy and drama-free wedding.
—Conflicted Ally
Look, I know that main character energy is supposedly a bride’s privilege—there’s a whole industry built around it—but I always feel weird when I hear someone who’s getting married say the wedding is supposed to be “all about us.” As in only about us. (If it were only about the two people getting married, they wouldn’t invite others, would they? Or, if they did, they ought to tell them outright that they would be there only as the audience, not as an integral part of the celebration.)
I’ll take the high road and assume you don’t mean what you’ve said literally—that you recognize that all the money and effort you’ve put into planning this shindig for years is not for you and your betrothed only. You want everyone you’ve invited to be happy, to feel included, to celebrate this milestone in your life—to cry at the ceremony, and to eat, drink, dance, and otherwise be merry at the reception.
So consider this: Your 18-year-old stepchild, who trusted no one in the extended family with (what I kind of wish you wouldn’t call) their “revelation,” now feels ready to come out to everyone. The fact that they haven’t altered their style of dress since telling you they identify as nonbinary doesn’t mean they would feel comfortable wearing the same suit that their male siblings will be wearing (which I imagine would feel like a combination of hiding and lying about who they are). It doesn’t in fact mean anything. Your child does not have to wear different clothes, grow their hair long, shave their head (or beard), or in any other way change their appearance/name, or do anything else to conform to what you believe would demonstrate their gender identity. All they have to do is be.
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As you have sensitively recognized, it would be wrong to demand that they wear a men’s suit (much less a matching one with a bunch of boys and men). My guess is that they do want to come out to the whole family this way—all at once, without words, and at a time when everyone will be “distracted” by the main event. They don’t want to have to call everyone, assemble a meeting, send a mass text or email, or make any other verbal announcement. Again, sensitively, you are aware that forcing them to do that would be wrong. If I were you, I’d let the child wear whatever they like (as long as, I guess, the colors are within your wedding palette). But I’m not you. If you want more control than that (and I swear I’m trying not to judge—I know how important the photos, etc., will be to you), and you also can’t get past how much you hate the idea of their wearing a dress—but you want to honor the feelings and needs of your 18-year-old child, as I think you do, why not be honest with them? Tell them you want them to be comfortable. Tell them you understand that a suit feels wrong. And work together to come up with something for them to wear that suits you (no pun intended) both—that would feel right to your child, that would accomplish what I think they might need their attire on that day to accomplish, and that doesn’t make you miserable on your big day. Loose flowing pants and a tunic in colors that match the rest of the wedding party’s suits, while still making it clear they’re not one of the groomsmen? I throw that out as a suggestion only. Both of you can bring some ideas to the table and you can talk them through. You might even offer to take them shopping.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My partner and I have been together for 10 years and we each have kids from prior relationships. We are getting married this winter. His youngest is 18 and last year came out to us, saying that he no longer identified as he/him but instead wanted to be referred to as they/them. We are supportive of all our kids and who they are, so we told them that, and it hasn’t ever been an issue. They have never made any changes to the way they dress, have not changed their name or hair, and they have not made any other outward changes to their appearance based on this revelation. Other family members (such as their grandparents) have not been informed of this situation yet, out of concern that it might not be taken well. Now we have a problem.
We’ve been planning this wedding for years and previously assumed that all of our kids (all born male) would be wearing suits that match the groom’s. There are no bridesmaids, so previously the only one wearing a dress up there was going to be me. Now my partner’s child has said that they’d prefer to wear a dress. We love them and we want to be supportive, but the fact that they have never demonstrated a desire to change their outward appearance in almost a year since this revelation, and are choosing our wedding as the time to come out to literally the entire family is upsetting to me. It’s supposed to be our day, not theirs, and I feel like this is going to be a huge distraction from the purpose of the event. We are paying lots of money for this wedding and I feel like this is hijacking it and turning it into their coming out party. I hate that. I feel like telling them that if this is what they want to wear, they need to come out to the rest of the family themselves ahead of time so it isn’t as big a distraction on that day, but I realize that’s forcing them to do something they might not be ready to do. But if they can’t do that, I also don’t feel right about forcing them to wear a suit. Please help me navigate this new water. I just want a happy and drama-free wedding.
—Conflicted Ally
Look, I know that main character energy is supposedly a bride’s privilege—there’s a whole industry built around it—but I always feel weird when I hear someone who’s getting married say the wedding is supposed to be “all about us.” As in only about us. (If it were only about the two people getting married, they wouldn’t invite others, would they? Or, if they did, they ought to tell them outright that they would be there only as the audience, not as an integral part of the celebration.)
I’ll take the high road and assume you don’t mean what you’ve said literally—that you recognize that all the money and effort you’ve put into planning this shindig for years is not for you and your betrothed only. You want everyone you’ve invited to be happy, to feel included, to celebrate this milestone in your life—to cry at the ceremony, and to eat, drink, dance, and otherwise be merry at the reception.
So consider this: Your 18-year-old stepchild, who trusted no one in the extended family with (what I kind of wish you wouldn’t call) their “revelation,” now feels ready to come out to everyone. The fact that they haven’t altered their style of dress since telling you they identify as nonbinary doesn’t mean they would feel comfortable wearing the same suit that their male siblings will be wearing (which I imagine would feel like a combination of hiding and lying about who they are). It doesn’t in fact mean anything. Your child does not have to wear different clothes, grow their hair long, shave their head (or beard), or in any other way change their appearance/name, or do anything else to conform to what you believe would demonstrate their gender identity. All they have to do is be.
ADVERTISEMENT
As you have sensitively recognized, it would be wrong to demand that they wear a men’s suit (much less a matching one with a bunch of boys and men). My guess is that they do want to come out to the whole family this way—all at once, without words, and at a time when everyone will be “distracted” by the main event. They don’t want to have to call everyone, assemble a meeting, send a mass text or email, or make any other verbal announcement. Again, sensitively, you are aware that forcing them to do that would be wrong. If I were you, I’d let the child wear whatever they like (as long as, I guess, the colors are within your wedding palette). But I’m not you. If you want more control than that (and I swear I’m trying not to judge—I know how important the photos, etc., will be to you), and you also can’t get past how much you hate the idea of their wearing a dress—but you want to honor the feelings and needs of your 18-year-old child, as I think you do, why not be honest with them? Tell them you want them to be comfortable. Tell them you understand that a suit feels wrong. And work together to come up with something for them to wear that suits you (no pun intended) both—that would feel right to your child, that would accomplish what I think they might need their attire on that day to accomplish, and that doesn’t make you miserable on your big day. Loose flowing pants and a tunic in colors that match the rest of the wedding party’s suits, while still making it clear they’re not one of the groomsmen? I throw that out as a suggestion only. Both of you can bring some ideas to the table and you can talk them through. You might even offer to take them shopping.
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This was my thought too-- that Stepchild is hoping to use the fact that the day is supposed to be All About the Happy Couple to deflect some of the drama that might accompany everyone learning about their gender identity.
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It sounds like LW and partner may need a neutral supportive-of-child third party who's able to run interference if unsupportive relatives try to make an issue of child's gender at the wedding, or may need scripts themselves for "Hey relative! Today is our wedding; stop making it all about our child's gender!"
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From a philosophical perspective, she needs to reframe her idea of the purpose of the event from "everybody look at the happy couple" to "everybody celebrate with the new family."
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The frustrating thing is that none of that checklist even means anything. I’m assuming by “they have never made any changes to the way they dress” LW means they’re continuing to wear the pants/shorts/shirts/hoodies they grew up with. Here’s the thing about those items: in many of our cultures, those are unisex! Pants/shorts haven’t been boys/men-only for decades in many of our cultures. Tshirts/hoodies are for everyone too. So a nonbinary person or transfeminine person wearing pants/shirts isn’t “dressing boy”, they’re just wearing their personal style that’s acceptable for any gender. Nonbinary people can have any sort of haircut, any sort of style, any sort of outward appearance, just as cis or trans men and trans or cis women can. It doesn’t make a trans person any less trans if they keep a style, name, haircut, etc that was working for them prior to coming out.
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(The whole household is nonbinary, and we all largely wear the same things we did before coming out, I assume. I don't know how Housemate Alex dressed earlier.)
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I agree that “unisex casual vs. highly-binary-gendered formal” is probably part of the issue here.
I am also very uncomfortable with the mother gatekeeping whether or not her kid is “really” trans because they haven’t previously made a lot of changes.