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agonyaunt2021-11-05 11:23 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-11-05 11:23 am
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Dear Prudence: Help! Should I Teach at the School That Hated People Like Me?
Help! Should I Teach at the School That Hated People Like Me?
Dear Prudence,
I am a soon-to-be college graduate in the field of psychology, with plans to take a gap year before I begin a Ph.D. program. I have received several job offers for this period of time, specifically, one to teach an Intro to Psych class at my old high school. The high school I attended was a very strict, conservative Protestant school with VERY antiquated and offensive views on sex, love, and gender. Throughout my time as a student, I was viewed as a “good” kid because I got good grades, kept my mouth (mostly) shut, and appeared to be following their paradigm of pure Christian femininity to a T.
They did not—and still do not know—that I am gay. Attending this school as a closeted queer teen was, frankly, hell on earth for me. I was imbued literally daily with the idea that I and people like me were evil, disgusting, and were going to burn in hell for merely existing. This, as you can imagine, took a profound toll on my mental health, so much so that my senior year I was disturbingly close to suicide. Thankfully, a much more accepting college experience, therapy, and personal growth has led me to accept myself for who I am and grow into my own. My mental health is worlds better now, and I am grateful for the increased empathy and awareness my hard times gave me.
RECENTLY IN DEAR PRUDENCE
Dear Prudence Uncensored: The One Who Is Left
Help! My Parents Are Convinced That My Recent Mental Health Crisis Was Their Fault
Help! I Have No Idea Why My Co-Worker Suddenly Stopped Talking to Me.
Help! My Doctor’s Misdiagnosis Ruined My Life.
Throughout my experiences in high school and looking back, I have always known that if I had a little support from the adults at my school, even just one to tell me that I’m not a monster, that I’m not alone and my god didn’t hate me, my experience would have been so much better. A part of me wonders, what if I did take this job? What if I could be that one adult for some other child, and, for the others, I could teach a psychology course structured to lessen the blow of all the evils they’re taught, and help the many students who disagree with the status quo to find their voice and stand up for themselves? Another part of me thinks this is ridiculous, and that I can’t possibly undo enough damage to make any difference.
But I can’t stop thinking about how much this would have helped me and my other queer friends who attended that school. (As an example of this school’s behavior, I had one friend who was suspended and nearly expelled after a bully of his told a teacher he and another boy were dating, but another boy who did Blackface on social media was only suspended for a day, and THAT was only after student and parent protests.) Should I further consider this job? And if I end up taking it, what are some ways I can covertly demonstrate to my students that I am liberal without being fired?
— Us Against Them?
Every Thursday on Twitter
jdesmondharris, Dear Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on a question that has her stumped. She’ll post her final thoughts on the matter on Fridays. Here’s this week’s dilemma and answer:Dear Prudence,
I am a soon-to-be college graduate in the field of psychology, with plans to take a gap year before I begin a Ph.D. program. I have received several job offers for this period of time, specifically, one to teach an Intro to Psych class at my old high school. The high school I attended was a very strict, conservative Protestant school with VERY antiquated and offensive views on sex, love, and gender. Throughout my time as a student, I was viewed as a “good” kid because I got good grades, kept my mouth (mostly) shut, and appeared to be following their paradigm of pure Christian femininity to a T.
They did not—and still do not know—that I am gay. Attending this school as a closeted queer teen was, frankly, hell on earth for me. I was imbued literally daily with the idea that I and people like me were evil, disgusting, and were going to burn in hell for merely existing. This, as you can imagine, took a profound toll on my mental health, so much so that my senior year I was disturbingly close to suicide. Thankfully, a much more accepting college experience, therapy, and personal growth has led me to accept myself for who I am and grow into my own. My mental health is worlds better now, and I am grateful for the increased empathy and awareness my hard times gave me.
RECENTLY IN DEAR PRUDENCE
Dear Prudence Uncensored: The One Who Is Left
Help! My Parents Are Convinced That My Recent Mental Health Crisis Was Their Fault
Help! I Have No Idea Why My Co-Worker Suddenly Stopped Talking to Me.
Help! My Doctor’s Misdiagnosis Ruined My Life.
Throughout my experiences in high school and looking back, I have always known that if I had a little support from the adults at my school, even just one to tell me that I’m not a monster, that I’m not alone and my god didn’t hate me, my experience would have been so much better. A part of me wonders, what if I did take this job? What if I could be that one adult for some other child, and, for the others, I could teach a psychology course structured to lessen the blow of all the evils they’re taught, and help the many students who disagree with the status quo to find their voice and stand up for themselves? Another part of me thinks this is ridiculous, and that I can’t possibly undo enough damage to make any difference.
But I can’t stop thinking about how much this would have helped me and my other queer friends who attended that school. (As an example of this school’s behavior, I had one friend who was suspended and nearly expelled after a bully of his told a teacher he and another boy were dating, but another boy who did Blackface on social media was only suspended for a day, and THAT was only after student and parent protests.) Should I further consider this job? And if I end up taking it, what are some ways I can covertly demonstrate to my students that I am liberal without being fired?
— Us Against Them?
Dear Us,
I think your intentions here are really admirable—and you probably could manage to have some sort of positive impact on your students if you took this job.
But don’t do it.
I asked for help from Prudie readers, making a special request for queer teachers and students to weigh in. I was moved to read their advice on something I hadn’t even thought of: The effect this experience would have on you. The overwhelming theme of the replies was concern that accepting a job at the same school where you endured hell on earth and battled bigotry would take a toll on your mental and emotional wellbeing—especially since it sounds like the environment hasn’t changed much:
“Gay man here… I didn’t go to a private Christian school but was at a tiny public school in a rural area so basically the same vibes as the LW. Looking back now I would say it’s probably not worth it for the LW’s mental health to expose themselves to that again” —
allenfee“I’m afraid LW might underestimate the potential risks or setbacks to her own healing. Take a different job, and find other ways to support teens who could really benefit from your perspective. They are definitely present in lots of settings, not just the most conservative.” —
kjshrimpt“I understand the impulse, but I imagine the letter writer will run the risk of re-traumatizing herself, having to hide so much of her reality from colleagues and supervisors.” —
possumkilljoy“To the prospective Psych teacher: don’t do it. Your own mental health suffered tremendously in this institution, and it seems like you’re already stressed about potentially being in that situation again.” —
suzesmash“I was once this teacher – Brown and queer in a space that wasn’t the most affirming for that role. I was That One Teacher for a lot of kids – and I left, because being that support is really hard. It’s emotionally draining unless you figure out a way to not take work home.” —
nbala93Beyond this, there were some questions about the impact you could have in such a short time, and about how difficult it would be for students to see you fired for your views if it did come to that. There were also smart suggestions that you might do more good in a different role, such as connecting with alumni or volunteering to work with local kids outside of school:
“To the prospective teacher: don’t do it. One of the most traumatic experiences for marginalized students at parochial schools is watching beloved, supportive teachers get hounded out of their position — and if that can happen to Prof. Good Heart it can sure happen to Student. What makes the difference for me is that they only have a year to offer. For the students, they might do better building relationships with any campus student advocacy groups and figuring out what leverage there might be in the donor and/or alumni networks.” —
mackenzian“It would probably be easier and just as, if not more, helpful for her to work within the community as a whole or even the alumni network of this school to provide resources for LGBT teens in the area or within the school.” —
cola1916Now, I can’t help but share this bold idea, which could work if you’re really feeling solid emotionally and you really want to be bold and maybe enjoy 15 minutes of fame on local news: Take the job and go out with a bang! The kids will never forget you!
“Since you only have 1 year, could you take the job and PLAN to be fired for telling the kids God loves queer people? You’d have to calculate the risk that your PhD program would rescind admission. Anyone at the PhD program you can ask to help you assess that risk?” —
emilycarmichaelBut realistically, I think the people who told you to pass this one up probably had the right idea. That doesn’t mean you should abandon your experiences, your compassion, or your desire to make the world a little better for queer kids. Just find a different—and less hostile—setting in which to live your values. And continue to do so once you have a graduate degree and hopefully a little more power than a first-year teacher.
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If that doesn't sound fun to you, then don't take the job. One class for one year isn't going to change the culture enough to make up for the damage you'll take, and your energy would be better used elsewhere.
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* I had also recently discovered that a girl who bullied me in elementary/middle school now teaches at our old school, which was distressing for related but opposite reasons.
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elementary/middle school now teaches at our old school, which was
distressing for related but opposite reasons.
1) aughghghgh
2) I posted a letter here some time ago written by someone in exactly that situation.
3) *hugs offered*
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Wtf? That’s the ONLY thing I could think of until I got to the very end where LW says they want to be the good teacher to turn to. And still I thought, “Heroic idea, but too soon. Too close.”
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Take a job offer where you can be yourself openly. If you want to help support kids in your hometown, see if there's organizations there already doing the work and ask how you can help.