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agonyaunt2022-02-23 01:11 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-02-23 01:11 pm
Entry tags:
Ask a Manager: Changing Pronouns at Work: A Success Story
A reader writes:
Several years ago, I decided I was ready to tell people my pronouns are they/them. I wanted to do this at work, too, so I decided to tell my manager first and asked for her support in telling my coworkers “these are Sally’s pronouns now.” She told me that I’m welcome to tell the others, but she won’t provide any support or correct anyone. She continuously got my pronouns wrong, and once, after a correction, told me, “I’ve known you as [gender] for such a long time that I’m not switching now.”
She was a terrible manager in other ways, too, so I started job hunting in earnest — with a lot of help from AAM! My resume and cover letters have never been so good! — and found one that really lined up with what I wanted next out of my career. While I was desperate to leave, I did assess the fit of the new place and reminded myself I wasn’t looking to jump “out of the frying pan into the fire” and to pay close attention to any red or yellow flags.
But I didn’t bring up my pronouns during the hiring because I was desperate enough to leave that if I kept being misgendered but everything else was good, I would put up with it.
I got hired and on my orientation day, told my boss my pronouns. He thanked me and we moved on to training. The next day, he sits down with me and says, “I didn’t understand what you told me yesterday, but I didn’t want to put you in a position where you feel you’re defending your identity or make you uncomfortable, so I asked my trans friend about it. We talked for hours, and I don’t think I totally get it yet — in fact, I don’t think I’ll EVER get it fully — but I do understand this: getting it wrong is very disrespectful. I’ll be honest, this is new for me, so I want you to know, I respect you and your identity, and please correct any mistakes I make.”
He told all my coworkers, too, “These are Sally’s pronouns, please make sure you’re using them.” He’s corrected clients and has said firmly to them before, “Sally’s pronouns are they/them, you will respect my employee and use that.”
New coworkers have started and have been told that these are the pronouns and also he draws their attention to the section of our employee handbook that specifically covers this.
I met his boss soon after starting (she works at a different site), and she referred to me with the wrong pronoun. My boss interrupted her to tell her what my pronouns are, and his boss thanked me for letting the company know.
We needed to order me uniforms, and he called our warehouse because I could only order the ones for my gender, not the ones I wanted, and told them they WILL be giving me the ones I want.
When I struggled for several days with a bad bout of dysphoria, he told me my schedule for the next few days were “flex hours” which are unusual in my line of work because of coverage and encouraged me to WFH if needed.
When I first came out, at my old job, I had thought the best I could hope for was people using the right pronouns. Thanks to my boss, I realize there’s so so much more a good boss can do for a trans/non-binary employee and I am grateful every day for him.
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this is me right now: 😭
LW, I am so happy for you.
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hell, getting people to not use the WRONG NAME still happened at my old job YEARS later. Eeeesh.
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My colleagues are pretty good, but even my boss isn’t doing this well. Hooray for LW’s boss!