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agonyaunt2021-05-05 12:07 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-05-05 12:07 pm
Care and Feeding: My Nonbinary Teen’s Bathroom Choice Makes Me Uncomfortable
Do they have to make this such a big deal?
I have a 14-year-old who came out to us as nonbinary/genderfluid about a year ago. They usually present androgynously, with occasional forays more masculine or feminine. I’ve long been a staunch liberal and ally, and my spouse and I have done all we can to be supportive, accepting, and loving. But I won’t deny that this parenting path has been difficult and confusing for me. My kid came out in the midst of the pandemic, so we don’t leave the house a lot. When we do, my kid uses the restrooms opposite their birth gender. They told their younger brother that they feel like people look at them less suspiciously in that bathroom. This has been really hard for me; it bothers me a lot. I haven’t said anything to my kid about it, as questioning in the past has made them shut down, and the last thing I want is less communication with my teen now that they’re finally engaging with the family again.
Now that the end of the pandemic is in sight, I’m thinking ahead to family trips. My parents are relatively socially conservative—they’ve been inching left since Trump, but they aren’t there in terms of LGBTQ+ acceptance. They know my kid is out and still treat them well, but they use my kid’s old pronouns. I DREAD what will happen when we go somewhere and my kid uses the “wrong” bathroom. I don’t know how to defend my kid because I don’t agree with it! I’ve thought of asking my kid to use their birth gender bathroom when we’re with my parents, but part of me thinks that’s unfair to have them use one they aren’t comfortable with to avoid conflict. On the other hand, if they’re genderfluid, can’t they “flow” that direction for a bit?
—Not the Mama Bear I Thought I’d Be
Dear Not the Mama Bear,
It’s absolutely unfair to ask your 14-year-old to use a different public bathroom—a bathroom they feel less comfortable and safe in (!)—for the sake of either placating you or avoiding conflict with your parents. Please don’t do this! Your child’s identity, their well-being, their right to be not just accepted but affirmed in who they are, is several orders of magnitude more important than whatever discomfort you or your parents feel.
Your concern over having to have a potentially awkward conversation with your parents is not the only stumbling block here. You also seem to be dealing with a lot of your own discomfort, too, mentioning how your child’s coming out has been “difficult” for you, how you’re “bothered” and find it “really hard” to see them use a certain restroom, how you all-caps “DREAD” what will happen when your parents witness it. I’m sure you are having feelings about all of this. Therapy is the ideal place for you to acknowledge and work through those feelings. But you shouldn’t make your issues or struggles—or those of anyone else in the family—your kid’s burden. Nor should you be obsessing over what anyone else will think of the bathrooms they use, or allowing them to be repeatedly misgendered by family members in your presence.
This is your child. Your job is to be on their side. Your parents should be, too, if they love them and want to be in their life. Understanding, education, acceptance, full support from your relatives might not happen overnight. It might not happen at all, in some cases, unfortunately; you cannot control how your child’s grandparents or anyone else reacts.
But you can control what you do and say, and whether and how you choose to see and support your kid. You call yourself an ally. So be their ally, not just when it’s easy or comfortable for you. Otherwise, the communication “shutdown”—perhaps a form of self-preservation on your kid’s part—that you say you don’t want will almost certainly return, and could even give way to a more serious and lasting form of distance.
I have a 14-year-old who came out to us as nonbinary/genderfluid about a year ago. They usually present androgynously, with occasional forays more masculine or feminine. I’ve long been a staunch liberal and ally, and my spouse and I have done all we can to be supportive, accepting, and loving. But I won’t deny that this parenting path has been difficult and confusing for me. My kid came out in the midst of the pandemic, so we don’t leave the house a lot. When we do, my kid uses the restrooms opposite their birth gender. They told their younger brother that they feel like people look at them less suspiciously in that bathroom. This has been really hard for me; it bothers me a lot. I haven’t said anything to my kid about it, as questioning in the past has made them shut down, and the last thing I want is less communication with my teen now that they’re finally engaging with the family again.
Now that the end of the pandemic is in sight, I’m thinking ahead to family trips. My parents are relatively socially conservative—they’ve been inching left since Trump, but they aren’t there in terms of LGBTQ+ acceptance. They know my kid is out and still treat them well, but they use my kid’s old pronouns. I DREAD what will happen when we go somewhere and my kid uses the “wrong” bathroom. I don’t know how to defend my kid because I don’t agree with it! I’ve thought of asking my kid to use their birth gender bathroom when we’re with my parents, but part of me thinks that’s unfair to have them use one they aren’t comfortable with to avoid conflict. On the other hand, if they’re genderfluid, can’t they “flow” that direction for a bit?
—Not the Mama Bear I Thought I’d Be
Dear Not the Mama Bear,
It’s absolutely unfair to ask your 14-year-old to use a different public bathroom—a bathroom they feel less comfortable and safe in (!)—for the sake of either placating you or avoiding conflict with your parents. Please don’t do this! Your child’s identity, their well-being, their right to be not just accepted but affirmed in who they are, is several orders of magnitude more important than whatever discomfort you or your parents feel.
Your concern over having to have a potentially awkward conversation with your parents is not the only stumbling block here. You also seem to be dealing with a lot of your own discomfort, too, mentioning how your child’s coming out has been “difficult” for you, how you’re “bothered” and find it “really hard” to see them use a certain restroom, how you all-caps “DREAD” what will happen when your parents witness it. I’m sure you are having feelings about all of this. Therapy is the ideal place for you to acknowledge and work through those feelings. But you shouldn’t make your issues or struggles—or those of anyone else in the family—your kid’s burden. Nor should you be obsessing over what anyone else will think of the bathrooms they use, or allowing them to be repeatedly misgendered by family members in your presence.
This is your child. Your job is to be on their side. Your parents should be, too, if they love them and want to be in their life. Understanding, education, acceptance, full support from your relatives might not happen overnight. It might not happen at all, in some cases, unfortunately; you cannot control how your child’s grandparents or anyone else reacts.
But you can control what you do and say, and whether and how you choose to see and support your kid. You call yourself an ally. So be their ally, not just when it’s easy or comfortable for you. Otherwise, the communication “shutdown”—perhaps a form of self-preservation on your kid’s part—that you say you don’t want will almost certainly return, and could even give way to a more serious and lasting form of distance.
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(I think about this sometimes, from both external and internal sides.)
I suspect the bathroom issue (why do they even care anyway? They don't have to tell me but they should ask themself) is representative of a much bigger discomfort with their child coming out as nonbinary. I just hope they can work it out without hurting their kid (more). And definitely that they will buck up and BACK UP THEIR CHILD.
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Seriously, LW, the only concern you should have about your child in the toilet is did they wash their hands, not if they're in the 'correct toilet'.
(lab school was good for me, we didn't have separate rooms. The correct toilet is the one that has functioning toilets and water, end of subject.)
(Toilets no longer looks like a word)
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Like, all we get of grandparents is that they used to be socially conservative but are not into Trump and have been good to the kid even after their coming out, and they use the kid's old pronouns (which could be terrible! But the genderfluid people I've known have had all kinds of opinions about pronouns, so this isn't even necessarily something the kid asked them not to do - LW doesn't say.)
What we get of LW is that they have found parenting their kid through this "difficult" and "very hard", that their kid's bathroom choices "fill them with dread", and that at some point they fucked it up badly enough that their adolescent "stopped engaging with the family" despite being trapped in the same house with them. Oh, and that they "have always been a staunch liberal and ally" and therefore can't admit they're not perfect on this.
LW, stop worrying about the grandparents and work on your own feelings.
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My personal bias made my gut reaction just a fountain of rage at the parents for this because I assumed they care (hence "old" pronouns) and the parent is planning to continue to force the kid into socializing with their bigoted parents, exposing the kid to their harrassment/bullying with no plans to protect or support the kid. Sounds familiar! And I'm really angry that when I was a teen my parents didn't make it SUPER clear to my bigoted grandparents that their homophobic views were unwelcome around me BEFORE I heard them, let alone that they failed to stand up for me when it happened in front of them!
...But I realize on reading your comment that you're perfectly right, and we don't know the kid's feelings. Maybe the kid doesn't care about pronouns or maybe it's a comparatively minor issue to them and they'd rather avoid conflict about it. Maybe being misgendered is something they've explicitly told their parent they don't want to contest.
The LW is still CONTEMPLATING failing their child even worse than mine did in failing to stand up for me, but they might still grow a spine and tell their parents no bigotry towards their kid will be tolerated as a condition of visiting (and, obviously, to back that up with supporting the kid's bathroom use).
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But more and more gnc/nonbinary people these days list their birth pronouns as an okay option, or don't want to make pronouns a big part of their early transition process. And there are plenty of "allies" like LW who think a pronoun change is all they need to do. And LW tells us nothing about either the kid's pronoun choices or the kid's feelings about the grandparents. I'd give even odds the kid is hoping grandparents will be an ally against Mom - they may not be as "woke" to start with, but they seem more willing to learn and less exhausting than Mom.
Anyway, I don't think LW is capable of being a proactive ally on the bathroom thing yet, since she's busy being part of the problem. "Shut up and follow the kid's lead" may be the best you can ask.
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(Even if the kid said "Eh, I guess it's not a battle that's worth fighting," I think it's a matter of basic respect and consideration to use the pronouns that people use to self-identify -- the fact that the parents/grandparents are making it too difficult to be worth the fight doesn't mean that it's not a constant microaggression.)
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I think the bathroom usage thing can be particularly fraught for people struggling with their transphobia because... idk, there's this thing where straight society assumes there's some unique stranger danger lurking in the bathroom that, for some reason, a same sex environment prevents/mitigates. So the kid breaking the "rules" reintroduces that notion that the bathroom is unsafe. It's also something that takes their nonbinary existence outside of the realm of like, a thing that can be (wrongly!) glossed as a linguistic/fashion experiment, and into something that is perceived as being more profound. So, I'm not surprised this is a particular stumbling point for LW but... they do need to get over it & understand that 1) the bathroom rules they learned are not actually necessary for Maximal Bathroom Safety and 2) your child is going to continue being nonbinary in ways that are profoundly uncomfortable for you or other people. Maybe approach that discomfort from a place of empathy—what you're feeling now is a small taste of what they feel when faced with the myriad of binary gendered expectations they encounter in everyday life.
Also, I'm sure the kid is aware of their grandparents' beliefs (especially since they keep getting misgendered) & at 14, they're old enough to decide how they want to handle that. Unfortunately, I'm sure they're already somewhat versed in how to modify their gender expression in order to navigate our present society (and also, idk, I think advice on when/how to do this is better coming from within the community? I've always found straight people's risk assessments to be way off for me, anyway). Pressuring them to do so in order to spare you social awkwardness is... not great.
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This this this. The answer is right and the parent needs to work through this in therapy or in some other way that doesn't involve the kid, but I totally see where the stumbling block lies. Given that the kid feels less suspiciously viewed in the chosen bathroom, I read this pretty strongly as a kid who was AFAB, which means the parent is probably freaking out because someone they still hindbrain-feel is their little girl, scarcely adolescent, who may well not present as non-female 100% of the time, is using a room with a bunch of dudes at urinals. It's still something the parent works through on their own, and mustn't become the kid's problem, but I don't think it's fair to expect a parent not to have stress about it. Being a good, aware parent who wants what's best for your kids is a moving and fraught topic, especially during adolescence, and what to protect their children from changes so rapidly at that age.
But none of that matters to how they react in front of the kid, obviously. And as you said, "I'm sure they're already somewhat versed in how to modify their gender expression in order to navigate our present society", I'm sure they also know their parents are uncomfortable and it sucks for them.
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(and yeah, for a gnc preteen, whichever bathroom they were previously using at school is probably marked as a circle of hell for them forever, and not having to use that one is probably a relief all on its own. Middle school bathrooms are hell anyway, gnc just makes it worse.)
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like...why? their child isn't hurting anyone? just -- defend it AS IF you agreed with it, no one is making you agree with it in your heart. ffs.
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Also, LW needs to get it together, stat.
* Inasmuch as I'm interested in other people at all, that is.
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Yep yep yep yep to gender-neutral bathrooms.
One of the nicest bathrooms I used was in the Cambridge Brewdog bar where there was basically a load of cubicles with floor-to-ceiling solid doors, around a central pair of long sinks for handwashing. No queue, no faff, and everybody washed their hands. It failed at accessibility, being upstairs with no apparent lift, but I haven't seen a better model for "place for humans to relieve themselves".
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Also for the parents: If the grands are as awful as is being implied, well: you tell them straight up that if they say one word about the kid's bathroom choices then the visit ends. The grands can get on board with LGBTQ+ acceptance or they can lose access to the family until they do.