Ask a Manager: How Can I Come Out As Queer Mid-Career?

[minoanmiss]

I’ve been with my employer for over 10 years and in that time my personal identity has shifted significantly from the professional identity I projected at my hiring. I allowed my colleagues to assume I was a straight, cisgender woman in a monogamous relationship. That was never true but when I was younger I was willing to hide key parts of my identity for a significant career opportunity.

Something about having my colleagues “in” my home via Zoom has made the separation between my personal and professional life more upsetting. Addintally we have an active team working to deepen our diversity and I struggle with the exclusion of LGBTQIA+ identities from that work. The reality is I am a non-binary, bisexual human in a polyamorous relationship. How can I redefine myself as a queer person at work?

Comments

[ioplokon]

Hm to me this is a twofold question. One: how much do you want work involved in your personal life? If this wasn't an issue/was less of an issue pre-zoom, then maybe part of the problem is that work is running roughshod over personal boundaries in a remote environment. Basically whatever level of outness you want to have, feeling like that is in your control (and isn't gonna happen bc like idk your partners walk behind the camera or whatever) is a big relief.

Then the second is about being out at work if you want to be. Which is pretty situational and depends on the vibe. Seems like the work environment is one that's not super accepting but where people know writer well which is like Advanced Coming Out. I would do the slow game of having a plan and dropping hints but I once accidentally came out to my boss because he said exes could never stay in the same social circle and I had to be like well as a lesbian... So, I am bad at following that kind of advice.

[gingicat]

Well, at least the OP isn’t a beloved traffic reporter. I’ve always wondered how this went down behind the scenes given that there are several not-so-tolerant editors.
https://boston.cbslocal.com/2016/05/04/scott-eck-transgender-kristen-eck-wbz-traffic-reporter/

(The first time I heard the new name, I called the traffic report line to offer congratulations.)

[cereta]

I think a lot depends on the workplace culture. If people talk about their spouses/significant others/families, then probably the best way is something like, "I know what you mean! My girlfriend is such a picky eater, we can hardly go anywhere" and kind of let things roll downhill from there. If a firm wall is kept between work and personal lives, then I'd say there's no particular need to go into the lesbian polyamorous part (dammit, spell check, you should know "polyamorous"). The non-binary part depends on whether or not LW would prefer non-gendered pronouns. If that's the case, then I think that calls for a more formal meeting with supervisor/boss/HR/whoever LW thinks will best begin the process of making LW's pronouns known to the workplace.

[likeaduck]

I don't think the LW said anything about lesbians, are you brain-grabbing that from the comment above?

Can you elaborate on your reasoning behind the nonbinary part depending on a pronoun change?

[cereta]

More like brain-farting. I was drifting between windows and must have mixed-and-matched.

"Depending" was the wrong word, or rather, I meant how the LW might handle it depends on whether they want a pronoun change. If they don't, then just telling people individually however they feel comfortable is probably best. If they do, it's probably a good idea to involve a higher-up to initiate a formal process.

[likeaduck]

Ah cool, yeah that's clearer, thanks!