Care & Feeding: My Family’s “Tolerance” on a Major Issue Has Me Walking on Eggshells

[minoanmiss]

I would like to acknowledge that this question is coming from a place of privilege—that there are so many others in unimaginably worse situations than mine, that my problem is pretty low-stakes. I’m 16, in grade 12, and identify as a lesbian. I’ve come out to four people: my parents, my 13-year-old sister, and a close friend. My sister and friend were incredibly kind, caring, and supportive—everything that I imagined that coming out would look like. My parents were a different story. I wouldn’t consider them outright homophobic, which is why I wasn’t afraid of coming out to them (about a year ago). I would consider them more “tolerance/acceptance” than “support” on the Riddle scale. My mom, a high school teacher, has mentioned that she is “so sick” of having meetings or discussions geared towards the LGBTQ community, and that we are “swinging too far in the other direction.”

When I first came out to them, they didn’t believe me. They didn’t take seriously that I had figured out my sexuality—something that, in their opinion, should be discovered “organically.” But I didn’t want to wait until I left for university to finally feel confirmation of my sexuality, and I had questions about what I felt and didn’t feel, so I initially turned to the internet for answers. We don’t have family friends in the LGBTQ community, I don’t feel comfortable talking about this with any adults in my life (teachers, etc.), and my only real resource was (and is) YouTube and secretly watching TV shows with lesbian representation. I’ve been tied to my parent’s expectations for a long time, and their response brought me back to questioning my sexuality, when I shouldn’t have had to. How do I move forward now?

At this point I am confident in my sexuality, but every time LGBTQ topics come up at the dinner table, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. And since I don’t feel like this when such topics come up with friends, I’m pretty sure the environment is the problem, not me. Being a lesbian is important to me, but it is not all I am. I need a way for my parents to see that, without fracturing the otherwise excellent relationship I have with them. I want to tell them how much I wish I’d seen more queer representation in books and on TV when I was younger. I want to tell them that teaching kids that queer relationships exist isn’t “too far left” or “unnecessary information at such a young age,” as they sometimes say. I want to discuss a future spouse or partner without using gender neutral terms the way I have been doing over the last year, but rather “wife” or “girlfriend.” My relationship with my family is important to me, arguably more than my sexuality is. Should I just grin and bear it when it comes to this subject until I leave for university next year?

— Do I Stay Silent?

I’m sorry your parents have failed you in this way. Don’t give up on them, ok? Not yet, anyway. Not when your relationship with them is so important to you. But don’t grin and bear anything. Go ahead and tell them what’s on your mind. Go ahead and daydream aloud about your future girlfriend. Will they get mad? Will they tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about? Maybe. Probably. Maybe you’ll argue with them. As I’ve said many times before: Arguments are unpleasant, but they’re not the worst thing in the world. Sometimes they’re healthy. You can have a close relationship with your parents and stand firm on being your authentic self with them. (It may be rocky for a while, but if you are all as close as you feel you are, it won’t stay rocky. And if it does—well, then, this relationship is not as strong as you believe it is.) I’ll say this: You cannot be close to someone if they don’t know who you are. So make sure they do, and then give them a chance—and the time—to take this in. Good luck. I’m rooting for you.

— Michelle

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I want to hug LW.

Michelle, this better have been only the first paragraph of what you sent LW. This kid needs support and resources, not a recommendation to face off against her parents by herself.

[purlewe]

THIS.

[jadelennox]

Yeah, I worry that “swinging too far in the other direction,” “too far left,” or “unnecessary information at such a young age,” parents are going to turn into "you have to live at home for college," or "you're going to a christian university" parents if they get pushed too far, and LW needs support and scripts.

[ambyr]

This may be reasonable advice for an adult, but it’s not reasonable advice for a child who has potentially years of financial dependence ahead of her.

[green_grrl]

The only thing that has swung too far is LW feeling that she has to preface her letter about her parents denying and negating her identity as a low-stakes problem. I want to argue with her parents! WTH do they mean she should discover her sexuality “organically”? Like, at 16, a senior in high school, who has been considering her attractions/feelings for years—they think she, what, manufactured her sexuality artificially? Argh!

[azurelunatic]

Duck and cover, kid. The time to argue and be authentic is after you are self-supporting, lest they pull the rug on you.

[mommy]

This is not good advice for a queer kid who needs her homophobic parents for her FAFSA form.

[liv]

Agree with others, this advice is not only inadequate but actively dangerous. The parents are homophobic, and they haven't really reached the tolerance / acceptance level though they're sort of aiming in that direction. The LW is not "privileged" because her life doesn't look like the worst melodrama image of coming out to violently homophobic parents. I strongly suspect these parents are capable of deliberately wrecking their daughter's life if she doesn't conform, even assuming they would stop short of direct physical violence. I'm not sure I really believe that LW has an otherwise excellent relationship with them; children love their parents, it's a thing, even if the parents are outright abusive. The situation described may not be extreme but it's still dangerous and provoking arguments with her parents in order to stand firm on being your authentic self is going to backfire badly.

Also this letter is from a child. She needs more than just advice and resources, she needs to know how to access someone with the authority to protect her if she needs it.

[conuly]

Look. Like. It's not great, but sometimes the best advice you can give a person is "keep your head down until you've graduated university, no longer live at home, and are totally financially independent".

Somehow, this advice is not that advice, and I don't know how they flubbed it so badly.