Care & Feeding: I've been called a bad influence for showing my kid's friend LGBTQ-friendly media

[minoanmiss]

My son and his friend loved the show; the friend’s mom—not so much.

My 14-year-old son “Alex” had his best friend “Leo” come over a couple days ago.
At one point, the boys watched a few episodes of Schitt’s Creek (Alex’s favorite show), which Leo had never seen before. I wasn’t aware of what they had watched until after the boys came back upstairs. In hindsight, I probably should have told Alex that although it is hilarious, Schitt’s Creek is not an appropriate show to watch with friends (it is rated mature). However, Leo said he loved it, and everything seemed to be fine. Well, the next day I got a very angry email from Leo’s mom. She said that under no circumstances should we have shown her son such a “controversial” show that “pushes a left extremist agenda.” I was shocked. I always found Leo’s parents a bit odd, but I never would have expected something like this. Leo’s mom said that she will not allow Leo to spend time with Alex because our family is a bad influence. Alex is heartbroken, and I feel awful. Leo is a great kid, and I’d never had any indication that he or his family subscribes to these ideas. He has been best friends with my son since second grade. Is there anything I can do to repair this situation?

—Not Loving this Journey for Me



Your signoff made me smile—I’m a big fan of Schitt’s Creek, too—though the situation makes me sad. Poor Leo. I don’t think you did anything wrong; I don’t think Schitt’s Creek, with its vision of a world in which homophobia doesn’t exist, and in which every important character turns out to be better, kinder, deeper, more complex, and capable of change and growth, is unsuitable for 14-year-olds. You know now that Leo’s family doesn’t want him exposed to that world, and I’m pretty sure there’s nothing you can do to make this better. You are unlikely to be able to convince Leo’s mother that you’re not a bad influence—to her, you are.

It’s worth a try, of course. You can apologize profusely (write a letter! multiple letters, if necessary), promising to allow the boys to play wholesome outdoor games, board games, and whatever else she considers acceptable when Leo visits you. If she goes for this—I’m doubtful, but I had to do something along those lines once for the sake of my own heartbroken kid, and it worked, so I can tell you there is a slim chance it might work for you too—you would have to follow through.

And then you’ll need to do what I did and be honest with the kids about it: Remind them that different families have different rules, and Leo’s family’s rules are so important to them that the only way Alex will be allowed to spend time with him is if those rules are followed, even when the two boys are at your house. (Another offer to extend to Leo’s mom: that the boys can get together only at her house from now on. I assume you are secure enough in Alex’s values that you’re not worried that her right-wing extremist agenda won’t rub off on him. But just to be sure, talk to him about it!)

And if none of this works, tell Alex that from now on he and Leo can only spend time together at school and whatever afterschool activities they both participate in. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you not to give him permission to sneak around, to help Leo lie to his parents, or to otherwise circumvent them. Soon enough, I’m guessing, Leo will be doing this on his own. And good for you, it turns out, for introducing Leo to another way of looking at the world. His mom is right about one thing: You are an influence on her child. Thank goodness.

— Michelle

Comments

[minoanmiss]

The advice I want to give:

LW, kidnap Leo from his bigoted mother, move across the country to the most liberal city possible, and change everyone's names.

The advice I should give:

I hate to advise you to kowtow to this narrowminded twit poor Leo has for a mother, but a kid's emotional health and safety are in the balance. I wish I could put my money where my mouth is by sitting with you as you compose these bullshit letters apologizing to her for not being sufficiently hateful for her tastes, and hugging you and making dinner afterwards.

In addition -- this is about more than Leo and Alex. This is about Leo's relationship to the world and the strictures and cicatrices his mother wants to narrow it down with, the scars she wants to bind his heart with. I would make sure he knows about Scarleteen and I would facilitate his electronic communications with Alex. Provide Leo with enough information and even his mother can't stop the signal.

*sends hugs and strength to the LW, Alex, and Leo*

[azurelunatic]

This sounds like time for a heartbreaking and adult talk with Alex, including points like:

* We hate the fact that this is true, but Leo's mother has legal authority over Leo until he turns 18 or emancipates himself. This means that she is allowed to set rules for Leo to follow, including terrible rules.
* That doesn't make it morally right.
* You believe that queer people are no worse than any other random person, and a worldview that casts them as wicked and sinful and dirty is incorrect, cruel, and not what a person should believe or act on. Leo's mother is wrong and you are angry and Alex is justified in being mad too.
* No matter what Alex's gender and sexuality situation, you love him and support him and hope that he'll trust you enough to share whatever he's going through with you. (Note: language like "even if you're gay I'll still love you anyway" can imply that you would not be pleased and supportive; if you think you'd be taken aback by that kind of announcement you can make a commitment to do any processing you have to do with GLAAD or whatever and not at Alex.)
* If Leo's mother catches him communicating with you, she will likely try to add more rules and/or punish him.
* Does Alex think it's possible that Leo is some variety of queer (gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning, gender-fluid, genderqueer)?
* Short history lesson on conversion therapy, and whether or not it is legal in your area. If Leo's mother thinks there is a chance Leo might be queer, he is at risk of being subjected to this dangerous and hurtful process. https://www.glaad.org/conversiontherapy
* If sex-ed can be opted out of by parents, or needs to be opted in to, or if Leo "just happened" to have a doctor's appointment or be out sick that day/week, it's likely that Leo is underinformed about how his body works, how other people's bodies work, and what is likely to end up with someone injured, emotionally hurt/traumatized, catching an STI, or pregnant.
* It's likely that Alex may become the person Leo asks when he has questions about that stuff, so Alex should have these resources (agreed, Scarleteen is great) and educate himself.
* Infosec lecture! Assume that Leo's communications are monitored: that his mother has access to his call logs and texts, that she can see his sent and received emails, that she will peer into his school accounts, that there is some kind of nannyware on the computer that may send a list of visited websites to his mother, and may block some. Even if there is not nannyware, his mother may monitor his browser history. How to clear cache, cookies, and delete specific sites from browser history. How to use public library computers (while they may be restricted, they probably will not report home to his mom).
* What constitutes emotional, physical, and (sadly) sexual abuse in your area. Whether there are mandated reporters and who they might be. The risks and benefits of telling a mandated reporter about what is going on in your home life.
* Whether or not you are willing to risk sheltering Leo if he decides to run away, and what assistance you would be able to give.

[watersword]

This is excellent. I would not suggest asking Alex directly their opinion on Leo's identities, but let them consider it in private.

[azurelunatic]

Yeah, that's better.

(My daughter's home of origin is Not Great, and I found myself in the extremely weird position of being as much a parent as I could be via an extremely underground internet chat. She got a full scholarship to her school of choice without considering her parents' income because she had been technically homeless due to her summer in a youth shelter and could therefore file as an independent student. Which is something else that Leo might want to be aware of, and apparently "risk of becoming homeless" is considered. https://studentaid.gov/sites/default/files/homeless-youth.pdf )

[minoanmiss]

This is magnificent. takes notes

[sara]

I'm just going to point out here that these kids are 14 and believe me (as someone with a son this age) they have already picked ALL of this up on Discord (other things they have picked up may be less great, let's be honest). Hell, they probably got most of this on Roblox.

The odds of current methods of teen information transmission being remotely comprehensible to MAGA Mom are pretty small. That said, this kid needs to stop telling his mom stuff, but after this crap he's probably figured that out.

[azurelunatic]

I devoutly hope so.

[xenacryst]

Maybe. I mean, they probably have picked up a lot of this, one way or another, but I will just throw in the note that I have a 13.5 year old who has pretty much no interest (as far as I can see) in social media or online hangouts like Discord. They're not absurdly sheltered - they have friends at school and circus who know a lot of stuff, and we talk about these things - and they're not tech deprived - they know Google apps far better than I and know the ins and outs of a lot of video chat systems. They just don't have an interest in an online life, and I think it's worth remembering that such kids exist, so assuming that all kids know these things from online sources could lead to gaps.

[bikergeek]

Leo's parents, twenty years from now: "Our son never visits or calls! Waaaah! What did we ever do? We were the perfect parents!"

[minoanmiss]

And they will deserve it.

[bikergeek]

Yup.

[lemonsharks]

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you not to give him permission to sneak around, to help Leo lie to his parents, or to otherwise circumvent them.

I do not like this advice at all. I think LW needs to be abundantly clear that they have Alex's back and that he will not be punished for helping Leo "lie, sneak around, or circumvent his parents"

And they need to stress that every family has rules but sometimes those rules are unjust or asinine. That unjust rules call for disobedience and unjust laws demand to be changed. That legality is not the same as morality and that some people have terrible morals based in their own bigotry which must be gently and persistently challenged (if you love those people) or, well, whatever the opposite of that is (if you don't love those people).

Alex deserves to know the truth: that, through his friendship with Alex, Leo's parents are afraid Leo might come to view (minorities) as full and complete human beings deserving of respect and dignity. Perhaps that Leo already views (minorities) as full and complete human beings, and they're trying to do "damage control."

And they need to talk to a lawyer of the appropriate specialty to find out how they can safely offer Leo refuge when he needs it. Because on the very real chance he's any kind of queer, he will need it.

[lemonsharks]

I have additional thoughts about "what, exactly, do you people find so abhorrent about Schitt's Creek?" But they're Big Enough that they need a keyboard to get out