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agonyaunt2020-11-19 12:00 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-11-19 12:00 pm
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Dear Prudence: Negotiating Cousin's Bigotry
[my title, not theirs]. Content advisory: family being homophobic and transphobic to LW.
Dear Prudence,
I have an older cousin I always admired growing up, and our families have always been close. But he’s gotten progressively more religious (Catholic) over the years, while I’m gay and trans. He and his wife haven’t cut me off or anything, but they’re figuring out how to appropriately shelter their two young kids from those things about me. While I miss my cousin and this hurts, I would be mostly fine with having minimal contact, except I really love my nieces and nephews. And they really love me! The oldest is 5, and even when I haven’t seen the kids in over a year, they still remember me and ask to see me. I don’t know how I could stay in contact with them while talking to their parents as little as possible. Should I talk to my cousin and try to arrange video chats (supervised, probably) with the kids, even if that’s awkward and sad? Do I have a responsibility to stay in touch with them just in case one of them is queer and needs a role model? Or, should I just pull back now and let them forget about me, so it doesn’t hurt as much when they get older and learn to be homophobic? Pulling back would make me sad, but I’m afraid the alternative would be too painful.
-- The Gay Cousin
I’m sure you already know this, but I don’t want it to go without saying: There is no way—and no reason—to “appropriately shelter” kids from knowing that gay and trans people exist, especially if said gay and trans person is someone they already know and love. I understand you may not be in a position to argue that with your cousin, but it’s straightforwardly and self-evidently true. I don’t want you to worry about whether your cousin’s children might be gay (or homophobic) someday as you think about your next moves. Rather, I’d encourage you to focus on what’s possible first in terms of your own emotional well-being and second in terms of what your cousin and his wife permit. To that end, you can ask them about talking to the kids for a few minutes over video chat sometime soon. If they make painful, dehumanizing requests before granting permission to see your nieces and nephews and you can’t accede to said requests without great distress, I think the best, kindest choice you can make is to decline. If you think you can accede to these requests, then feel free to go along to get along.
You may find certain compromises manageable for a time, only for things to change as your nieces and nephews get older and you chafe against having to be the family’s Phantom of the Opera. It may also be that no matter how politely you compromise, no matter how willing you are to temporarily neutralize your identity to accommodate your cousin’s bigotry, that he and his wife decide to cut you off from the kids anyways. That’s always the risk when trying to negotiate with bigots, especially the type of bigots who call bigotry “concern.” I’m sorry you don’t have better options at present; here’s hoping there’s a Damascene moment in your cousin’s future.
Dear Prudence,
I have an older cousin I always admired growing up, and our families have always been close. But he’s gotten progressively more religious (Catholic) over the years, while I’m gay and trans. He and his wife haven’t cut me off or anything, but they’re figuring out how to appropriately shelter their two young kids from those things about me. While I miss my cousin and this hurts, I would be mostly fine with having minimal contact, except I really love my nieces and nephews. And they really love me! The oldest is 5, and even when I haven’t seen the kids in over a year, they still remember me and ask to see me. I don’t know how I could stay in contact with them while talking to their parents as little as possible. Should I talk to my cousin and try to arrange video chats (supervised, probably) with the kids, even if that’s awkward and sad? Do I have a responsibility to stay in touch with them just in case one of them is queer and needs a role model? Or, should I just pull back now and let them forget about me, so it doesn’t hurt as much when they get older and learn to be homophobic? Pulling back would make me sad, but I’m afraid the alternative would be too painful.
-- The Gay Cousin
I’m sure you already know this, but I don’t want it to go without saying: There is no way—and no reason—to “appropriately shelter” kids from knowing that gay and trans people exist, especially if said gay and trans person is someone they already know and love. I understand you may not be in a position to argue that with your cousin, but it’s straightforwardly and self-evidently true. I don’t want you to worry about whether your cousin’s children might be gay (or homophobic) someday as you think about your next moves. Rather, I’d encourage you to focus on what’s possible first in terms of your own emotional well-being and second in terms of what your cousin and his wife permit. To that end, you can ask them about talking to the kids for a few minutes over video chat sometime soon. If they make painful, dehumanizing requests before granting permission to see your nieces and nephews and you can’t accede to said requests without great distress, I think the best, kindest choice you can make is to decline. If you think you can accede to these requests, then feel free to go along to get along.
You may find certain compromises manageable for a time, only for things to change as your nieces and nephews get older and you chafe against having to be the family’s Phantom of the Opera. It may also be that no matter how politely you compromise, no matter how willing you are to temporarily neutralize your identity to accommodate your cousin’s bigotry, that he and his wife decide to cut you off from the kids anyways. That’s always the risk when trying to negotiate with bigots, especially the type of bigots who call bigotry “concern.” I’m sorry you don’t have better options at present; here’s hoping there’s a Damascene moment in your cousin’s future.