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Care and Feeding: Bisexual Teenagers and Sleepovers
Link.
Dear Care and Feeding,
What are parents of bisexual teens supposed to do about sleepovers? For my heterosexual kid, the rule is “no opposite-sex sleepovers,” and if I had a gay child, the rule would be “no same-sex sleepovers.” It seems very unfair to prohibit my bisexual teen from having sleepovers just because they happen to be attracted to both genders, but it also doesn’t seem fair that my other teens have to abide by these “no sleepovers with people whom you might want to have sex with” rules while the bisexual teen doesn’t. Help!
—Proud Parent of Bi Teen
Dear PPoBT,
I want to first affirm your desire to support your child’s identity and your desire to be equitable in how household rules are created and enforced. Alas, equity is often elusive in a world that will present challenges to your bisexual teen that their siblings simply won’t have to face. This may be the rare occasion that this particular child experiences what seems like an advantage on the basis of their sexual orientation, but ultimately, it’s simply a heightened expectation of responsible behavior and honesty.
Sleepovers for kids and teens are typically same-gendered. I wouldn’t recommend denying this experience to a bisexual or gay young person just because they are known to be attracted to members of their own gender. These gatherings are typically more about bonding over gossip, games, junk food, and Netflix than they are about getting physical. And anyway, hetero kids and queer/bi ones that haven’t come out to their families are also quite capable of engaging in sexual activity with peers of their own gender when the door is closed and the adults have gone to bed for the evening. (Gender non-conforming kids also deserve sleepover invites, by the way.)
The most reasonable thing to do would be to either hold all of your kids to the single-gendered sleepover rule or allow them all to attend multi-gendered sleepovers. As it is (understandably) important to you that they aren’t engaging in sexual activity during these festivities, they should only be able to sleep over in homes when you are clear that the adults present are capable of and invested in preventing any fooling around. Also, you may also want to prohibit them from attending sleepovers where their boyfriend or girlfriend is present.
There is a lot of other stuff to be fearful of when teens are under close quarters with potentially limited supervision—drug use, drinking, bullying, listening to really shitty music, etc.—and as is the case with messing around, they find opportunities to do these things during the schoolday, when you drop them off at the YMCA on Saturdays for “basketball,” and whenever they aren’t being closely watched. The only way to truly ensure that a sleepover is sex-free is to have them at your own house and watch those little horndogs like a hawk.
Ultimately, if you are letting teens go to sleepovers, there’s a risk that they’ll do some shit you don’t like while they’re there. But there’s a good chance your kids would prefer not to risk humiliation by getting it on while someone’s parents are home anyway. Talk to your not-so-little ones and explain to them what your expectations are for when they spend the night out—and make sure they are clear on how to practice safe sex regardless of the gender of their partners, and that they won’t allow an STD to remain dormant out of fear of disappointing you for breaking a sleepover rule.
Dear Care and Feeding,
What are parents of bisexual teens supposed to do about sleepovers? For my heterosexual kid, the rule is “no opposite-sex sleepovers,” and if I had a gay child, the rule would be “no same-sex sleepovers.” It seems very unfair to prohibit my bisexual teen from having sleepovers just because they happen to be attracted to both genders, but it also doesn’t seem fair that my other teens have to abide by these “no sleepovers with people whom you might want to have sex with” rules while the bisexual teen doesn’t. Help!
—Proud Parent of Bi Teen
Dear PPoBT,
I want to first affirm your desire to support your child’s identity and your desire to be equitable in how household rules are created and enforced. Alas, equity is often elusive in a world that will present challenges to your bisexual teen that their siblings simply won’t have to face. This may be the rare occasion that this particular child experiences what seems like an advantage on the basis of their sexual orientation, but ultimately, it’s simply a heightened expectation of responsible behavior and honesty.
Sleepovers for kids and teens are typically same-gendered. I wouldn’t recommend denying this experience to a bisexual or gay young person just because they are known to be attracted to members of their own gender. These gatherings are typically more about bonding over gossip, games, junk food, and Netflix than they are about getting physical. And anyway, hetero kids and queer/bi ones that haven’t come out to their families are also quite capable of engaging in sexual activity with peers of their own gender when the door is closed and the adults have gone to bed for the evening. (Gender non-conforming kids also deserve sleepover invites, by the way.)
The most reasonable thing to do would be to either hold all of your kids to the single-gendered sleepover rule or allow them all to attend multi-gendered sleepovers. As it is (understandably) important to you that they aren’t engaging in sexual activity during these festivities, they should only be able to sleep over in homes when you are clear that the adults present are capable of and invested in preventing any fooling around. Also, you may also want to prohibit them from attending sleepovers where their boyfriend or girlfriend is present.
There is a lot of other stuff to be fearful of when teens are under close quarters with potentially limited supervision—drug use, drinking, bullying, listening to really shitty music, etc.—and as is the case with messing around, they find opportunities to do these things during the schoolday, when you drop them off at the YMCA on Saturdays for “basketball,” and whenever they aren’t being closely watched. The only way to truly ensure that a sleepover is sex-free is to have them at your own house and watch those little horndogs like a hawk.
Ultimately, if you are letting teens go to sleepovers, there’s a risk that they’ll do some shit you don’t like while they’re there. But there’s a good chance your kids would prefer not to risk humiliation by getting it on while someone’s parents are home anyway. Talk to your not-so-little ones and explain to them what your expectations are for when they spend the night out—and make sure they are clear on how to practice safe sex regardless of the gender of their partners, and that they won’t allow an STD to remain dormant out of fear of disappointing you for breaking a sleepover rule.