Dear Prudence: My Christian Stepdad is Obsessed With Saving My Soul

[minoanmiss]

After an awful battle, my mom died from ALS last year. In the intervening year since, her husband, who was my stepdad for most of my young adult life, has taken it upon himself to see that my (gay, spiritually something) soul is saved. I have him blocked on social media and from my phone, but on a regular basis, I will receive proselytizing letters or unmarked Amazon packages filled with evangelical Christian literature, along with extremely presumptuous notes from him about this being what my mom would have wanted and how sad she is I won’t be joining her in heaven.

I’m still grieving, and to say I find this upsetting is an understatement. I even went so far as to instruct the rest of my family to not give him my new address after moving, but sure enough, he found me anyway! I have always had an awful relationship with this man, and I can’t say I care so much about his opinion. In truth, toward the end of her life, my mom and I were very communicative and reconciled about our beliefs, and my stepdad isn’t even being factual in this bizarre crusade. So why does getting this mail bother me so much? Am I overthinking or is this harassment? Is there any way I can get him to stop?

A: You didn’t mention whether you’ve asked him to stop. I assume you have, but if you haven’t—do that!

If he already knows that he’s sending this stuff to you against your wishes, that’s awful. Sadly, to constitute harassment, I believe the mail would have to contain something threatening. But he doesn’t have to know that. Can you temporarily unblock his number and text him to say, “I’m going to ask you one more time to stop sending me packages and letters. I’ve sought the advice of a lawyer about how to deal with your harassment, and if I receive another piece of mail from you, I am going to take whatever action is available to me.”?

I suggest reaching out to any other relatives who have better relationships with him and asking them to intervene. The next idea I had is that you could start sending him materials that he would find equally offensive, but that’s probably not a healthy use of your time and wouldn’t lead to a great outcome. This is tough! Maybe lawyers reading this can tell me if I’m right about the harassment issue, and others can help with additional ideas.

Comments

What are the qualifications for being an advice columnist again?

[minoanmiss]

I'm becoming more and more convinced that this particular Prudie is not doing a good job. For example, check out her utterly clueless advice (complete with careless misreading) to someone who received a racist letter "warning" her about her neighbor. And then there's this pile of uselessness. ("send him stuff he'll find just as offensive". Has this Prudie ever met an Evangelical? Or dealt with de-escalation in any way whatsoever?! Even though that was a "I want to say it but I won't" aside I think it was irresponsible to add.)

(Anyone who knows me knows what I think of the LW's predicament. I want to hug them supportively.)

Re: What are the qualifications for being an advice columnist again?

[julian]

I think the Slate theory is that Prudence, as a columnist, should a) give good advice, but also, b) be funny in a certain flip and ironic way. Except, you shouldn't be funny *in the actual advice*, jeez.

Re: What are the qualifications for being an advice columnist again?

[cereta]

Jesus Effingham Christ, the LW all but said, "I am afraid to involve the police because they might harass or even kill the POC instead of helping them." That is not just tone-deaf; it's dangerously tone deaf.

Re: What are the qualifications for being an advice columnist again?

[grammarwoman]

Jesus Effingham Christ

*snerk*

Re: What are the qualifications for being an advice columnist again?

[xenacryst]

With you. This answer is horrible - it has some parts that are good, and some parts that are really bad, but it's all wrapped up in a horrible sloppy mess that you can't even tell what are the good and bad parts unless you're familiar with this kind of thing. And then it ends with, "but I don't know WTF I'm talking about! Can anyone help me?"

Re: What are the qualifications for being an advice columnist again?

[semperfiona]

I had to go look at the byline after I saw your comment, because I have been attributing all the recent Prudie fiasco letters to Danny Ortberg, and he is definitely not the Prudie that wrote this. Anyone know when the changeover occurred?

Re: What are the qualifications for being an advice columnist again?

[minoanmiss]

I don't recall more precisely than "a few months ago", alas.

[azurelunatic]

Not a lawyer, but this might constitute harassment based on religious beliefs -- if LW were or pretended to be the kind of Christian that this asshole approves of, he would not be doing this (or he would be doing something else).

[conuly]

He's not obsessed with saving their soul, he's stalking them, and ANY response, even a negative one, will reinforce this behavior.

[mommy]

This advice is horrible and will only escalate things.

[frenzy]

come on. Return-to-sender the packages and letters. Dont even open them. Come on, Prudie.

[melannen]

And if it's real bad: get your mail redirected to a trusted friend's address, have them dump the packages from stepdad and not tell you about them when they give you the rest of your mail.

[azurelunatic]

My partner and I are currently screening the email of a friend. Anything from a few addresses gets (on their end) forwarded to us and dumped to trash. If it's important, the messages can be retrieved from trash and replied to.

[cereta]

Honestly, I think even that much of a visible response to him will only cause him to escalate. Just dumping them is probably the best answer.

[azurelunatic]

There were some books that, upon reflection, I dumped into my dad's incinerator rather than pass along to someone else who might be harmed by them.

Those were science fiction, by an author I used to like and might have wholeheartedly loved if his books had come to me sooner. These books probably don't have the potentially redeeming features of those.

[conuly]

Don't return to sender. Dump directly in the trash. Return to sender can read as a "response" to stalkers, causing them to up the ante because, after all, every response is attention, it must be working.

[gingicat]

What about covering the address with a sticker and writing "no such person at this address"?

[cereta]

I suspect that would just give the stalker an excuse to "investigate." They'd be so concerned about their loved one's safety or some such excuse.

[gingicat]

Drat, I can't do that for my roommate, then.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, she asked me about it and after thinking for awhile I advised her it was a bad idea -- they'd probably use it as an excuse to drive up with the bounced mail.

[bikergeek]

"No such person" might cause USPS to start bouncing mail that the recipient *does* want.

[gingicat]

Which is why I'd block out the name and address.

[conuly]

I don't know, but I'm fairly certain that's also not advised by experts because, again, it reads as a "response". You wouldn't see it as a response, but then, you wouldn't deluge somebody with unwanted tracts in the first place.

[librarygeek]

I had to verbally snap, HARD, at my dad's second wife (crazy widower choices, Mom died in 2006), for trying to convert me to "Hebrew Christianity" when I said I was going to the Jewish Renewal 2018 retreat and starting rabbinical studies.

Is it bad that I have Matthew 5:17-19 memorized in HEBREW and English translation to quote at the Evangelical Xtian types who seem to feel like converting *me* gets them a free ticket to Heaven?!?

Sigh. Because not-our-step-mom did behave after I snapped, she did want to know what music might be appropriate for her to sing (proud gospel and country music singer) for even ✡️ family Zoom calls, I sent her the Debbie Friedman sheet music anthology as Jewish folk music she could probably learn.

My dad's still alive, in pandemic, in North Carolina, with barely controlled insulin dependent diabetes and posterior cortical atrophy, so at least she's keeping him alive? Sigh.

[ioplokon]

I do think it might be difficult to get a restraining order but not a lawyer so who knows. But definitely document all the items you receive, document your request that he stop sending them (w/ images, maybe certified letter?). This behavior can escalate, so it's good to have evidence of how long it's been happening. If you move again, get a PO Box. Follow this advice on shutting stalkers out of your tech (some of this may not be relevant if LW hasn't been living with their father but the advice on limiting how much personal info you share in conversations & altering geotagging settings is still applicable).

Also, just want to add that taking these steps is a really awful & painful thing to do. LW needs to do a threat assessment and decide how important being unfindable is vs how distressing or difficult these steps are.

[lemonsharks]

"Have you tried telling him to stop?"

OH MY ENTIRE GOD.

[cereta]

In utter fairness, many, many people fall into the trap of, "I am seriously bothered by this thing a person does, which I will address in every other way besides telling that person it bothers me." In likewise fairness, it's been my experience that doing so seldom goes well, so...

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, in general,"please stop" doesn't tend to work, and in particular, "please stop" to an Evangelical means "KEEP GOING FOR THE GLORY OF GOD."

[lemonsharks]

Yeeep

It's the cavalier approach the answer takes that just... Wow. Yikes.