surprisingly good relationship advice from Harriete

[lemonsharks]

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year now. She recently told me that she still has a lot of the gifts that an ex-boyfriend gave her.

I got a lot of pushback from her when I told her that it made me uncomfortable that she still has the gifts. I think that her unwillingness to part with them may signify an emotional attachment to the items — and thus an emotional attachment to the person who gave them to her.

Could I be overthinking this?


- Throw Them Out


DEAR THROW THEM OUT: Start by assessing what the gifts are.

I wouldn’t automatically say that your girlfriend is holding on to old feelings about her ex because she has some stuff he gave her. It could simply be that she likes the things.

Ask her and listen to what she has to say. I would be worried if she seems to go down memory lane when she speaks of her ex or of the items in question.

The reality is that if you date someone who previously was with someone else, it is likely that the person may have items from the ex. Even more, there surely are memories of their times together. You may want to know a bit about what she liked about this person, how they spent their time and why they broke up.

Rather than automatically wanting her to expunge any memory of him from her life, learn about her past. Allow her to learn about yours as well, and see where this path of mutual discovery leads you.

Comments

[lemonsharks]

TL;DR if a new beau wanted me to toss my switch pro controller because it was a gift from an ex, the answer would be, "No. Deal with it."

And that does not even get into the fact that jewelry (real gold, platinum, silver) and some fashion items (Hermes scarves, Tiffany ... Stuff.) can be repositories of financial security. I.e.: "The ugly tennis bracelet my ex gave me is part of my fuck off fund."

Edit: icon for Madeline Kahn and the alternative fuck off fund of life insurance fraud.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend for a reason.

[harpers_child]

My godmother sold so much jewelry to take care of her kids when her ex was being a jerk about paying child support. I think she sold the wedding china too.

If it's like letters and pictures, get over yourself LW. Your girlfriend existed before she met you and gets to decide what kind of memorabilia she'd like to keep from her life.

[minoanmiss]

Three out of four paragraphs aren't bad! Mirabile legere!

Also, why are people like this?

[castiron]

I'm just waiting for the letter from the guy who says "My girlfriend has custody of the children she had with her ex, and I think that her unwillingness to send them to live with their dad is a sign that she's more emotionally attached to her ex than to me."

[lemonsharks]

I've seen this a couple of times on r/aita but it's usually the new wife who thinks It's Time To Start Our Family and wants hubby's kids to stop existing where she can see them.

[cereta]

There was a regular poster on Arcamax who held that when someone with offspring married, those offspring become part of the person's "old life" and thus to be set aside.

Also, I'm just going to leave this here.

[lemonsharks]

What the ACTUAL FUCK.

[minoanmiss]

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WHAT WAS THAT

[ethelmay]

Are - are people not supposed to have attachments to people they were dating? Like, EVERY person you ever dated but eventually broke up with, you're supposed to hate them now and want to throw their gifts in the trash? I mean, obviously sometimes you break up with someone because they turned out to be horrible, or you brought out horrible sides of each other, but that - isn't supposed to be happening all of the time?

[minoanmiss]

I'm with you. I only have a couple of exes I hate and for each there's a good and particular reason. I also have exes I'm friends with after years and years and I don't see any reason not to be.

[lemonsharks]

Apparently it's weird and suspicious to keep anything you shared with or got from an ex, according to r/relationships

[fred_mouse]

I know, right. I'm reasonably sure that we have kitchenware that has 'been in this relationship longer than either of us' because it belonged to one of our exs whichever one of us it was met them, let alone met each other.

[conuly]

I'm betting that this LW also thinks that it's suspicious for straight men and straight women to claim to just be friends.

[oursin]

When I moved out from Slow Motion Trainwreck I took with me various domestic items including furniture that other person did not need or was quite happy for me to have. Some of these later moved on with me when partner and I moved in together. Admittedly they were all of an entirely utilitarian nature and had no sentimental associations whatsoever.

[mommy]

If my ex bought me a really good coffee maker then I'd be thoroughly annoyed by my hypothetical current partner telling me to toss it out. Sometimes you hold onto gifts for sentimental reasons and sometimes you hold onto them because they're just that useful. Not everything is about emotional attachments.

[azurelunatic]

I am not so rich that I want to bear the replacement cost of a perfectly functional object just because of how it came into my life.

[lassarina]

One of my favorite music albums is a CD that was mailed to me from Ireland by my then-boyfriend. This was in 2001. I still own it, and listen to it, and it remains a favorite. Is it something I enjoy on its own? Yes. Is it something that makes me think of that boyfriend, and smile a little? Yes. He was my first love, and I remember him fondly, and anyone who asks me to give up part of what made me who I am today doesn't deserve who I am today.

Not all relationships end poorly, and not all memories are threats.