Dear Prudence: My Fatphobic Ex is Now a Public Guru

[minoanmiss]

A while ago I (cis woman) dated a man “Chris” who was a particular type of doctor at the beginning of his career. During that time he was quite specific about weight—my weight, my mom’s weight, his ex’s weight—and would do things like buy me a nice dress in the size he wanted me to be, but not my actual size and make comments about how 130 pounds was really too big. He was also openly dismissive of people’s mental health—again, mine, my mom’s, his ex’s—to such an extent I really questioned why on Earth he chose the field he did. It took a long time for me to recover from that breakup, but I did.

Now, however, Chris is quoted pretty regularly in a major news outlet as some kind of expert in weight reduction and it really bothers me. I have also found myself going back to behaviors such as weighing myself daily and counting calories—things I haven’t done in a long time. In a further twist, my once-in-a-while therapist used to have professional interactions with him and thinks he is brilliant, so we can’t talk about him and the anger that comes up when I see his quotes about eating and weight. It gives me flashbacks to him calling my mom obese and her crying about it. Yes, I totally hear all the fat-shaming and I am NOT about that and want to get out of the loop of thinking I have to be under 130 to be an acceptable human form. What should I do? Write to his university? Leave a voice message reminding him of things he said? Ignore it? Send him a teeny tiny t-shirt?

—Stepping Off the Scale

Congratulations on losing [insert Chris’s weight] pounds. (Sorry, I recently saw someone celebrate a divorce on Instagram using that construction and I had to borrow it.) He sounds like he was an awful partner, and I’m glad you are recovering from the breakup. You don’t need to say anything to him or his university. Keep the teeny tiny t-shirt. We don’t care about him anymore, we care about you and how you can go back to having a healthy relationship with food and your body. Find a new therapist who you can talk to about this creepily, scale-obsessed emotional abuser as much as you want, and make the appointments more regular than once in a while.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

There had better be more that wasn't public, because this reply is glib, brief, and woefully incomplete.

There is a special kind of rage when one sees someone who eviscerated one for their own entertainment going on to Succeed In Life, and even if a columnist can't fix it, it deserves to be addressed.

Also, this is why I was not allowed to become a telekinetic, because I have some brain vascularization charts and the willingness to put up with Chris's How To Become Not-Disgusting Weight Loss Seminar long enough to put them to use. Grrr.

[laurajv]

yeah, I feel like the LW DOES need a new therapist who will not be super weird about her abuser, but also needs to do other things, like block Chris's name on her browser so she doesn't have to see his horrid quotes.

[julian]

It's hard, really, because there's nothing *specific* she can do about Chris; while we find him slimy and really gross, the AMA and his institutions don't. (More's the pity.)

But yeah, Pru saying more than just *that* would be good. Like, the LW doesn't sound as if she knows about the HAES folks, or other accepting groups. Talk about THAT, Pru! Talk about how it's a long journey, but a fruitful one in the end.

Also, just for my own rage-benefit: 130 pounds is not fat, CHRIS. Eff off.

[sathari]

There is a special kind of rage when one sees someone who eviscerated one for their own entertainment going on to Succeed In Life, and even if a columnist can't fix it, it deserves to be addressed.

Yes, this! And especially when the selfsame abusive behavior that that person perpetrated on one is the very thing for which they are being lauded. I like laurajv's suggestion about using various online blockers to keep from having to see anything more about this guy. And also a new therapist, preferably one with experience in weight-acceptance philosophies/ideas.

[sporky_rat]

What the fuck, Chris. Whole man disposal, aisle one. Emergency.

[conuly]

*shudders*

This whole letter and answer and... ugh.

[xenacryst]

That ... was an answer? REALLY? They thought that printing a brief, glib, possibly even fatphobic joke (I mean, that's on the border of funny/not-funny where you really want to be certain it's going to land properly) was going to be at all helpful? That not mentioning actual resources, and only vaguely handwaving in the direction of a new therapist would be something that LW would find useful? Holy forking shirtballs. With advice columnists like this, who needs Abby?

[ioplokon]

not that it's acceptable at any weight but like... 130 is so low? Like it really seems like a number that was picked because most people, even with thin frames, can't get under it without significant restriction (not just of calories but athletic activities - doesn't leave much room for muscle at all...)

[ethelmay]

Being under 130 is perfectly normal and healthy for a significant fraction of people, but no specific weight could ever possibly be a general goal. The range in what's normal for different people really is very wide.

[ioplokon]

yeah you're right. i really tried to avoid saying 'normal' while also saying it's below average, but think I still overcorrected here.

[tielan]

At the very least, LW needs a new therapist who doesn't think the ex is awesome. And when leaving, LW should tell the old therapist they felt fat shamed by the enthusastic endorsement of Chris and that this is the reason for leaving.

I don't know if there is treatment/distraction techniques for obsession with body image; are there practises or redirections of thought that might help LW?