Care & Feeding: I want to date a Black man.

[minoanmiss]

I am having a bit of an issue. I am a white woman, and I am crushing hard on a man that I met at a gas station who is African-American and works there. Ever since I was in high school I have been super attracted to Black men, but I’ve never had the opportunity to date a Black man. My worry is not at all about what others will think if they were to see us walking hand in hand down the street, because I couldn’t care less what other people may think. My biggest issue is I really want to tell him that I have always wanted to date a Black guy, but I keep getting stuck on saying the Black guy part of that. I really don’t want to offend him, and I really want to know how to tell him that without making myself sound like a racist or something. How can I tell him I’ve always been very attracted to Black men?

—Dumbfounded in Dallas

Dear Dumbfounded,

Normally I tackle parenting-related questions around here, but as a Black man, I couldn’t resist this one.

Try looking at this a little differently. Let’s pretend that a guy showed some romantic interest in you and early in the courting process he said, “I know this may sound strange, but I’ve always wanted to date a woman with feet as pretty as yours.” There’s no mention of your personality, your intelligence, your sense of humor or anything—just the fact that he really likes your toes in sandals. Wouldn’t you think that’s weird? I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you used those pretty feet of yours to run as fast as you could in the opposite direction. The same rule applies here.

The fetishization of Black men is a real thing. Don’t believe me? The most bizarre example happened a few years ago I was on a Caribbean cruise and an extremely intoxicated white man stumbled over to me and asked if I would be willing to have sex with his wife while he watched. He didn’t ask or care if I was married, and he didn’t ask his wife—who was visibly mortified in the background. He just wanted to me to be a part of his twisted fantasy, which I not-so-politely declined.

In my adult life I had more white women than I care to remember state how they’ve always wanted to “date” (or have sex with) a Black man, and their reasons weren’t the greatest, either. They usually fell into one of two categories: white men couldn’t satisfy them, so they wanted to see if the myths are true about the sexual prowess of Black men, or everyone said how wrong it is for white women to date Black men, so they wanted to be rebellious. I’m not sure what category you fall into, but you should ask yourself why you want to date a Black man. In other words, are you looking for love or are you looking to get laid? You’re a grown woman, so I’m not going to fault you either way as long as you’re upfront and not deceitful, but I’ll give you a quick pointer: don’t bring up the fact that you’ve always wanted to date a Black guy, especially early on, because you’re going to sound just like the foot fetish guy. It’s totally unnecessary and some things are best left in your back pocket until a more appropriate time.

I think you should go for it, but don’t make it weird.

—Doyin