Sense and Sensitivity: Boyfriend Brings Unwanted Gifts

[cereta]

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been going out with a nice guy for a few months. He is very old school in that he brings me a gift of some kind at each date. There’s something sweet about this, but also something annoying. I can’t quite pinpoint it. I guess what I like is his attentiveness, but I don’t eat chocolate. I don’t like tchotchkes. I have a modern, streamlined life. Somehow he doesn’t seem to notice what I like. Do I say anything to him about his gifts? I feel bad continuing to accept things that I throw away when I get home. -- Bad Presents, Laurel, Maryland

DEAR BAD PRESENTS: It is good to be honest in a tender way. You might tell this man you appreciate that he brings you gifts all the time, but it really isn’t necessary. Suggest you get to know each other better so you can figure out each other's interests. If he asks why, you can admit you don’t eat chocolate, even though it was a lovely thought. Don’t go down the list of all that you don’t like, though. Make it fun so you discover each other’s preferences. When you give him a gift, be sure it’s something you know he will like!

Comments

[cereta]

This sets off so many alarm bells for me that my ears hurt. Bringing a gift every time feels like he is trying to rush the relationship along, put her in his debt, almost ("How can you break up with me when I've bought you so many nice things!"). And yet, instead of trying to find out what she's really like, he bring her things he imagines a generic "woman" might like ("Hey, all women like chocolate, right?") If I were a friend of the LW, I'd be cautioning her to be very careful.

[ellen_fremedon]

Yeah, I agree. That's super creepy.

[vass]

Is it the every time part that makes it creepy, for you?

Or the possibility that the message he's sending with the generic gifts is that he wants to wedge her into a particular role/dictate her tastes?

Something else?

(The bit where the LW says "I can't quite pinpoint it" amplifies the faint alarm bells for me, because it seems like she's hearing them herself, and she's the one in the best position to.)

[cereta]

It's a combination of the two. There's something about him bringing a gift every time just feels like the guy is trying to rush the relationship, although I acknowledge that I could be off-base about that. However, combined with the idea that he doesn't seem to be getting to know her preferences, it feels like he wants to be In A Romantic Relationship more than he wants to be in a relationship with her. And I find that worrying. If it's not creepy now, I sense the potential for creepiness.

[redbird]

It occurs to me that "attentiveness" in this sense is rather different from actually paying attention to the LW as an individual, knowing what she likes.

[lunabee34]

Agreed.

[cereta]

Yes.

[xenacryst]

Hmm. I can see relationships in which gift giving at every date is not so much creepy as just old school (whether you like old school or not is a different question), but the bit about not giving LW things she actually likes rings bells for me. That moves it from "I'm giving you gifts because I think of you and pay attention to you and I think you'll like them" to "I'm giving you gifts because I" (cut off sentence ending intended).

I would suggest that LW start out with, "Please don't give me gifts." No "I appreciate them," no "it really isn't necessary." How he responds to a direct request such as that will tell her loads about what their future relationship will be like. Giving him weasel room with talk of appreciating and such is, I would suspect, most likely to get her voice ignored.

[azurelunatic]

I like to think of direct requests as an opportunity for someone who is hoping for plausible deniability in violating your boundaries, to go ahead and do it straight up and make it clear what kind of person they are.

[jadelennox]

I've been told that by telling people not to give me gifts, I'm being a dick. I really don't particularly like receiving generic gifts (thoughtful, non-birthday, non-holiday tied gifts which are because the person saw something and knew I would really like it, and knew it wouldn't bother me to have it are an exception), but I was told I have to get over it because it's rude to not like gifts. It's gotten to the point where one of the reasons I avoid pretty much any social situation after mid-November is because I want to avoid any situation where people give me presents, and I've learned to either or like it from the few people in my life where it is unavoidable.

Now, to be fair that's not a romantic thing, just a generally social thing. But it does strike me that this is one of the many ways in which women can't win. (To be clear: most of the people people who have told me that I am being a jerk by not liking to receive gifts are women.)

[ambyr]

My first thought is less "this is creepy" and more "wow, that's a serious love languages mismatch." If she wants to keep dating him it might help her to have a talk with him about which of the five classic love languages do make her feel appreciated. If gifts are his primary way of showing/receiving affection, "Don't give me gifts" is going to feel to him like a rejection of him, not of the gifts. "I feel really loved when you hold my hand/make time to come to my hobby recital/run to the grocery store and grab the milk I forgot" might help him figure out ways of showing/receiving affection that are more meaningful to her.

[shreena]

I agree. Also wondered if he was the sort of guy who feels most comfortable sticking to a clear plan.

It's obviously fine that she doesn't like it but I definitely wouldn't go as far as creepy

[minoanmiss]

"Don't give me gifts" is going to feel to him like a rejection of him, not of the gifts. "I feel really loved when you hold my hand/make time to come to my hobby recital/run to the grocery store and grab the milk I forgot" might help him figure out ways of showing/receiving affection that are more meaningful to her.

Yes, this, a lot.

[the_rck]

I'm also not enthusiastic about this in a relationship that's supposed to be heading toward intimacy of all sorts. I'm okay with it in situations such as how my in-laws kept giving me earrings even though I didn't (and don't) have pierced ears. It took about a year for them to catch that and longer for them to realize that I don't wear jewelry at all.

But I was just dating their son at that point. If they'd lived farther away or my parents lived closer, they wouldn't have seen me for gift giving occasions during that first year. They're much better about gifts now (though my MIL still thinks I want dresses with Empire waists...).

Oh, and I've been married for 24 years, and my sister-in-law still gives me crafty stuff that I have to throw away. She loves making them, so... Eh. It's not like I'm married to her, and I suppose she can't throw them away herself. She's in our house several times a year, so I can't believe that she doesn't realize that we don't have anywhere to put that basket of hand crafted paper flowers in order to keep it for decades.

[amireal]

Honestly? It's not the multiple gifts that alarms me (b/c as someone up thread said this is easily a love language mismatch or even something cultural) so much as the gift giver seems unconcerned with her actual likes/dislikes.

Now this could be b/c its very early, (which I still think is a stretch), and I could have just read too many horror stories recently, but this reeks of wanting her to be a SPECIFIC person. Whether that's a person in real life or just the mental image of who he wants to be in love with and marry I couldn't tell you.

But generally speaking the lack of ability or caring to:
1. suss out general likes and dislikes

OR

2. the lack of ability/CARING to tell if your gift is or isn't received well (and yeah sometimes that's HARDER but still I see no effort in the descriptions here) are the things that red flag to me.


(With a definite side of 'is he attempting to bank attention for something later??)

In conclusion, I can't believe I wrote this much.

[minoanmiss]

I am laughing at myself that I feel compelled to -- not defend the guy, precisely, but to see possibilities in his behavior that aren't so dire. He might be doing this because he doesn't know a less concrete way to convey his affection, and giving her 'standard girl stuff' because he hasn't learned how to determine her particular tastes or enough to divine them as yet.

My reaction might be influenced by my love of giving people things. I try hard to learn their likes and dislikes, including whether or not they like being given things, but it's a process. I've had more than one person express concern that they couldn't 'pay it back' or otherwise conveyed that they felt put into a debt that made them uncomfortable, and it took me awhile to understand that reticence when I wouldnt've ever tried to 'call in' such a debt. But the difference between someone who wouldn't consider a gift as racking up a debt ad someone who would but says they wouldn't can only be determined by a psychic.

Also, theres the fact that I'm female and thus society would be much less likely to tell me I could say "I gave you X, you have to have sex with me/stay with me/do what I say" or support me in saying such than it would be if I were male. There's definitely gender stuff at work here.

I definitely agree with the advice to say "Don't give me gifts" but also to pair it with "I really like it when you listen to me play my instrument/buy the milk I forgot/tell me about your childhood", both as a way to balance criticism and as a way to give him a chance to show whether or not he can/intends to learn or if he intends to push through boundaries, to cram her into a standardized mold, etc. (nb not because I think women are responsible for teaching men but because I think in relationships, romantic and otherwise, we can generally benefit from learning from each other.) The younger/less experienced he is the more likely I'd be to recommend that: I might give a teenager more benefit of the doubt than a 30-year-old.

OTOH, thinking of some of the teenagers I've known, maybe not.

Re: In conclusion, I can't believe I wrote this much.

[sathari]

Yeah, I'm leaning your way, in the sense that in this case I'd at least float the trial balloon of, "Here, if you want to get me things, these are some things that I would enjoy receiving" (maybe other preferred snack foods, since he's doing the chocolates thing?) and/or, as someone above suggested, addressing it from the broader "languages of love" question--- though it does sound like LW likes the general concept of the "attentiveness" but not the specific content.

Either way, how he reacts to an affectionate course correction will be VERY informative.