Carolyn Hax: WTF?

[cereta]

Dear Carolyn: I am a stepparent to a teenage girl who has recently moved in with us while her mom works in another city. So last week I got buttonholed by another kid’s parent for one of those, “You’re not a real parent, so I just wanted to let you know . . . ” talks. This other parent’s son had asked the Kid out to a school dance, Kid said, “Thanks, but no,” and asked out her crush. (He said yes, my door hinges thank him.)

According to the other parent, if she didn’t want to go with the first boy who asked her, then she can’t go at all and should stay at home knitting her nun’s habit or something.

Is this a thing? Or is this other parent just being a tool because her son got his feelings hurt?

Dance With the One That Brought You?: No, it’s not a thing, she can dance if she wants to.

Also not a thing: “those, ‘You’re not a real parent, so I just wanted to let you know . . . ’ talks.” Even if they are a thing, please treat them as if they are not, because the surest way to alienate your fellow parents as you negotiate this newish role is to approach them as if you are the eye-rolling rebel to their monolithic sense of superiority. They’re doing their thing; you’re doing yours. Take each exchange as a conversation unto itself.

Comments

[cereta]

Okay, what the fuck is this? This is the second time I have encountered this weird idea in an agony aunt column (the first was a Dear Abby that may or may not have posted it here.) Where the hell does this come from? It's not even an "old-fashioned" idea; in no historical period have I seen this idea at ALL, let alone as the norm.

(Also, btw, I tagged this "male privilege" because, even if this is entirely the mother's doing and the son is utterly mortified that she did this, it's still part and parcel of the cultural attitude that women/girls "owe" men/boys their time, attention, and bodies just because the men/boys want them.)

[ellen_fremedon]

I think the etiquette rule that's being perverted here is that if you make up a nonexistent prior engagement, then you need to preserve that fiction or look kind of silly. But if you just say "no thank you" without making up an excuse, there's no cover story to preserve.

[jadelennox]

it's incredibly dangerous in this day and age to perpetuate that,given that there are multiple examples of girls being killed because they turned a boy down for a date. No, you have no obligation to structure your social life around people just because they have sexual (or otherwise) feelings about you. And while I agree that you would need to preserve a nonexistent prior engagement (especially to avoid the madripoor_rose-described sitcom plot below), the rule will always apply: you have absolutely no obligation to structure your social life around people just because they have sexual feelings about you. None.

I mean, what, are stalker boys allowed to ruin your social life by basically DDOS-ing your dating? "well, I don't want her to go out with Jeff, so if I ask her out and she says no, she's obliged to say no to Jeff."

(Just making it clear that I don't think anybody here is reinforcing that idea--it's only Other Mom doing anyways implying that this is some kind of rule.)

[the_rck]

I remember this coming up as a thing in Cheaper By the Dozen (the book), but it was something that the girl's older brothers insisted that she do.

[cereta]

Oh, even creepier.

[watersword]

what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what WHAT.

This other parent is a rude jackass twice over. Maybe to the power of two. I am trying to think of a charitable interpretation and coming up 100% blank. Anyone?

[cereta]

I can understand being protective of her child, who is probably upset. But I can't think of any charitable interpretation for her thinking this is an appropriate response.

[neotoma]

Are they living in a Georgette Heyer novel? Spending a week LARPing a Regency adventure?

Then no, she doesn't have to go with the first boy who asked her wtf. And good for the Kid to ask out her crush.

[madripoor_rose]

It sounds like a mutated version of a classic sitcom plot. It only works if she said yes to the first boy, and then dumped him when her crush asked her. And then we get a moral lesson about making a commitment and keeping your word if the girl's in the main character family, though if the sitcom's about the boy there's usually a tomboy BFF he ends up asking that's the girl 'he should be with.'

But needless to say, none of this has any bearing on this situation or real life.

[watersword]

Have an internet, you've earned it.

[sathari]

WHAT THE WHAT?

And yet... I have some vague recollection of having actually heard the "either go with the first person who asks you or don't go at all" as a Thing, somewhere back in the mists of time. But I agree with both LW and the commentariat here that, as jadelennox put it, that rule basically lets creepy stalker scum DDOS your social life and punishes girls and women for having preferences, and it's not a rule that should be a rule.

And, I would like to spotlight some things:

First, props to Stepdaughter and Crush: she asked him! He was cool with a girl asking him! (It is extra yay that he said yes, but "guy is cool with girls asking him out in a general way" and "guy says yes to specific girl asking him to specific thing" are separate pieces.) :D :D :D :D

Second: can I call "interaction effect" between the fact that Rejected Dude's Mom is projecting an idea that guys/her son specifically are entitled to girls'/this girl's attention/affection/approval (and the girl/s should be punished for that rejection by having to stay home) and the fact that Stepdaughter did in fact say no to Rejected Dude? As in, if he's giving off an entitled vibe in his interactions with girls/this girl, maybe that is why she's not in fact into him? As in, Rejected Dude's Mom, if this is how you taught him to think about girls/women/crushes, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.

Also, can I just go wild on how Carolyn Hax devotes about three times as much space to scolding at the LW for the "you're not a real parent" thing? Because... wow, did I ever NOT read LW as being an "eye-rolling rebel" because LW is tired of being condescended to repeatedly by people who feel entitled to define "real" parenthood in a way that lets them assert their superiority.