Short and ... uh ... well, short

[ysobel]

Dear Miss Manners: Is there a proper way to let someone know of my feelings for them? Does a proper courtship have to, at least initially, be hinted at and read between the lines?

Despite the appeal of love at first sight, Miss Manners would think that a declaration of love would be more flattering when you have gotten to know something about the person.

But this is not the Lovelorn Department, so she consulted her dear friend Stendhal, who declares in his book “On Love” that it is doubt that fuels love — and certainty that cools it.

Comments

[matsushima]

This letter didn't answer anything! How do you let someone know you're starting to have feelings for them?!

(I'm aromantic asexual but I'm really curious about how this works.)

[full_metal_ox]

Nor did LW supply anything resembling enough information. How old are LW and their crush? In what social context did they come into contact? How well do they already know one another? Does LW even know their crush at all, or are they aspiring to woo their favorite pop star?

[mrissa]

It can work different ways for different people, and not only did Miss Manners not answer any of them, but she also jumped to the conclusion that the beginning of courtship was the beginning of acquaintance. I don't know why she jumped to that conclusion.

Some people really enjoy the gradual hinting (on the giving or receiving end), the sense of things starting to be a bit warmer in here, and others would prefer to say, "I like you a lot, and I'd really like to find out if a [romantic/sexual/both] relationship between us might work. Is that something you're interested in?" Neither is necessarily more proper taken in context. Obviously there are contexts that render both completely inappropriate.

[firecat]

Back in the day on Usenet the term for the direct approach you mention was “geek flirt”.

And around the same time I remember someone explaining their approach as “I’m not shy, I’m studying my prey.”

In my experience most courtships had elements of both.

[conuly]

Oh ffs. Your life is not a romantic comedy, LW. Just ask them out like a normal person!

[melannen]

The correct answer here, LW, is that every courtship is different: if you do not yet know the person well enough to know the appropriate path for this courtship, then you don't know them well enough yet to confess that you have "feelings" worthy of confession.

[full_metal_ox]

I know, right? Could a query get any more generic? (I’m hoping LW is very young, but we’ve seen accounts here of people capable of preserving terrifyingly unlived-in ignorance well into adulthood and old age.)

[melannen]

Yeah, unfortunately in my experience "I have 'feelings' for them, therefore they owe me something, I just have to use the magic words" is not age-linked.