Dear Prudence: Help! A Woman Broke Up With Me the Moment She Saw My Apartment.

[minoanmiss]

She said she wanted authenticity, but I guess she didn’t like it.




I’m feeling really blindsided by a recent breakup, of sorts. I (male, 25) met a woman, Betty, on a dating app about two months ago, and we went on several dates over the course of a month. Through our conversations we have talked a lot about authenticity and honesty in relationships, and she said that she doesn’t play games. We went on four or five dates before she invited me to her place where she cooked a fantastic meal and I spent the night. I offered to host our next date and suggested pizza and board games, and she enthusiastically agreed.

On the day of that date, she texted to confirm the time and said she was really looking forward to it. I was too and was going to ask her to be my girlfriend. When she arrived, she seemed off and uncomfortable. I was hoping it was just nerves and was trying to make conversation. After only about 10 minutes she abruptly got up and said this wasn’t going to work out and that she would be leaving now and wished me the best. I asked her what was wrong, and she said “Well honestly it doesn’t seem like you’re ready for guests” and gestured around my apartment. Admittedly I don’t prioritize chores, but I did make an effort. I cleared off the kitchen table and made sure there was space for us to play games and have a couple plates out. I thought she wanted to get to know me so I wasn’t worried about the rest. I was honestly shocked given that she had been saying she wanted to know the “real me.”

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I texted her a few days later and told her how confused I was about that night. She texted back that she was thankful for that date because I was honest and authentic with her, but that authenticity does not replace basic manners.

— What Do Women Actually Want?

Dear Actually Want,

Certainly some women actually want to play games and get to know you in a dirty living room with just enough space cleared for a couple of plates. But Betty is not one of them. The question you pose in your sign-off makes me want to remind you that not all women are the same, and there are no rules about what they’re allowed to see as a deal-breaker. The person who wants to eat pizza amid your clutter and will see it as a beautiful exercise in authenticity is out there. You’re much better off getting back on the apps and looking for her than trying to convince someone not to be disgusted by the way you live.

Comments

[shirou]

LW, dude, you wanted authenticity and you got it. She gave you an honest answer.

I can't tell from the letter whether your apartment is cluttered or filthy, but you should recognize that if your dining table cannot accommodate a couple plates in its normal state, that is already more clutter than many people can tolerate. Perhaps you should learn to "prioritize chores" before you next invite someone over. Being messy/dirty is not, or should not be, an integral part of "the real you."

[feldman]

A desire for authenticity is in no way an obligation to like what she sees -- and she has done you both a favor by bailing, and also by being honest (and diplomatic!) with you about why.

[castiron]

Hey LW? She liked what she was seeing at first and wanted to get to know you more; she did get to learn more about you; she said straight out "nope, sorry, this isn't going to work". Yeah, it's painful, but I don't see the problem here. If your authentic self is happy in a cluttered or messy environment, and her authentic self wants something a little neater that she's not going to be 100% responsible for, dating did its job of showing you that you shouldn't spend your lives together.

[laurajv]

tbh I love my spouse very much but there are definitely days when I wish I had listened to 19 yr old me who was horrified by his college bedroom

[castiron]

When I first saw Spouse's house, I thought "okay, if we ever end up living together it will be a clutter disaster." I was right. If it hadn't been for the kids, I would've been perfectly happy to live near Spouse rather than with him, and if I had any hope that housing prices would be less borked after the kids are grown, I'd suggest that at that point we move into a duplex where we can each live in one half.

Still, Spouse is better to live with than Ex, who besides being a clutterer also did zero housework.

[laurajv]

yeah, Spouse is not, like, causing a health hazard or anything, but let's just say that I know which of us our children inherited the "I'll just leave this anywhere" gene from

[conuly]

Betty authentically and honestly wants to date somebody who keeps a cleaner house. I don't see what's so confusing about this. (She probably also wants to date somebody who doesn't harass her for having standards.)

[annotated_em]

I saw this and wondered just how grody this dude's home was, and then I started picturing the possibilities and stopped myself. He spent the night at hers, so presumably expected her to spend the night at his, but he doesn't mention changing the sheets or making sure the bathroom wasn't a nightmare--things I would consider priority chores for someone I hoped to share the night with, even more than clearing off the table to eat and play games.

I applaud Betty for taking a look at this dude's authentic self and decided she wanted no part of either being his bangmaid or taking him to raise.

[minoanmiss]

"bangmaid" omg I am WHEEZING

[annotated_em]

Not my own work; I picked it up at AITA on reddit, where it describes the apparent relationship expectations of a certain set of dudes. It's crude but effective shorthand.