agonyaunt | Entries tagged with hola papi

¡Hola Papi!

My partner loves to wear my clothes, but because I am a couple sizes larger than them, it doesn't work the other way around. This hasn't really been a problem in the past, but we've been making a little more money now and I've been buying nicer clothes when I can, whereas they hate shopping and never buy anything.

Since we've been together for nearly four years and living together for over two, they feel pretty comfortable throwing on my clothes (and shoes! we're the same size) and heading out into the world to stain my shirts and leave my jackets at their office for weeks on end. Even when there's no wreckage, it's super annoying to do my laundry and then find out I can't wear whatever shirt I wanted to wear that day because they already wore it and it's dirty, or left it at a friend's house, or straight up lost it.

I've asked them to stop several times, which works for a little while, but they wake up and get dressed after I leave for work so they can be sneaky about it. We live in a super-small apartment with one shared closet, so separating our clothes completely isn't really an option. I love my partner dearly and am not really anticipating ending our relationship over this, but it's driving me nuts. What can I say or do to get through to them?

Signed,

In the Closet (Guarding My Stuff)

( cut for length )

fairestcat

¡Hola Papi!

I’m not a big believer in New Year’s resolutions myself, but after the tire fire that was 2018, I have to admit that I’m looking forward to some new beginnings. What’s your advice for having a festive, gay, and healthy 2019?

Help me, Papi!

Signed,
Happy New Queer

( cut for length )

fairestcat

( cut for discussion of death, loss, and fear of homophobia )

fairestcat

Hola Papi!

I'm 20 years old, a college junior, and a trans girl. I've come to terms with all this and I'm living my life in (relative) happiness, and I have a great support network of friends and some family. But (and here’s my prob) I'm so depressed and worried about the future. Namely, my romantic future.

I see my girl and guy friends have such fun dating and having sex without any baggage or recourse, and I've yet to even kiss someone. Yes, I know, how embarrassing to be 20 and a virgin in every sense of the word. It’s just that I’ve been so uncomfortable with myself for most of my life, but now that I finally feel ready to be with someone it seems like an impossible thing to make happen. Ugh.

So, Papi, I'm just worried that I'm too late to the game. Am I too old to have my first kiss? To be with someone? To have someone like or love me? I'm scared that I might be. I would really appreciate your advice Papi.

xoxo,
Late Bloomer

Dear Late Bloomer,

Thank you for your letter! I enjoy questions like these, because I get to publicly contemplate my own mortality while (hopefully) helping a reader in need to calm down a little. As far as I’m concerned, that’s pretty much what I exist to do. It’s all terribly fulfilling for me! Anyway, let’s get cracking, eh?

I won’t downplay your concerns. Our society is weirdly obsessed with milestones that we as a species completely made up. We’re supposed to have our first kiss and have sex by a certain age. We’re supposed to get married, and then have a baby, and then we’re supposed to stuff some blue or pink balloons in a box and reveal the baby’s gender. With any luck, the balloons catch fire or something and the video will go viral on Twitter. That’s the circle of life.

But the rules are fake. It doesn’t have to be that way. We don’t have to do any of that stuff by a certain age. We don’t have to do any of it at all. At the heart of the issue are the value judgments we’ve been conditioned to make based on these arbitrary life markers (like, “if I haven’t kissed someone by 20, I’m a loser”). It doesn’t hold up to further investigation. Someone kissing you won’t add to or detract from your worth. I mean, I didn’t have my first kiss with a guy until I was 20, and look how I turned out! I’M FINE!!

In all seriousness, you are very young (though I know you may not feel that way). I can’t speak to your unique dating experience, but I can speak to anxieties about the future: They won’t help. The future is notoriously difficult to predict. You don’t know what may be waiting right around the corner for you, and neither do I. You can put yourself out there more (Tinder, campus speed dating events, etc.) and increase your odds of finding someone, but there will never be a guarantee that you will or won’t find someone to date.

So let’s focus on what we do know. We know that humans don’t suddenly “bloom” into a fully-realized sexual being after one experience. The human soul is dynamic, constantly reacting to external and internal stimuli. My best guess is you will have your first kiss, then get your first everything else you’re looking forward to, and then be in turns excited and disappointed with what romantic and sexual partners have to offer you. What will be most important throughout this turbulent process is that you don’t base your self-worth or confidence on your romantic/sexual interactions with others, and what age you are when these experiences occur.

Also, you say your friends are running around dating and having sex without any baggage or recourse. I doubt that’s true of any college student anywhere. Maybe they haven’t unpacked their feelings, or they simply don’t talk about them, but I promise they’re rolling their emotional luggage around behind them, too. In that sense, you’re not so different from them. We’re all just looking for excitement and love and satisfaction, bringing our anxieties along for the ride, hoping for the best.

That’s not to say you’re unremarkable, Late Bloomer — only that there’s nothing abnormal about your experience or your feelings. It’s never too late to have your first kiss, to love and be loved, or to get in “the game.” I think you already know that, or at least suspect it, but here’s me saying: You’re right. It always seems impossible until it happens. For now, take that pressure off yourself, and enjoy being 20.

Papi

https://www.them.us/story/hola-papi-late-bloomers

fairestcat

¡Hola Papi!

So, I recently got two new roommates, a cis guy and a cis girl. They started dating, and when they introduce themselves to other people, they use the words "my partner." They are bi, but I feel that their relationship isn't a queer one. It really ticks me off. Am I being gatekeepy, or are my rolling side-eyes justified?

Signed,
Dowdy, Partner

Hi, Dowdy!

First of all, your roommates started dating while they were already living together? Wow. I did not know you could do that. Imagine someone deciding to date you after they’ve seen the way you live. At your lowest point. At you, crying on the floor with an empty Artichoke Pizza box in your hands at 3 a.m. because you forgot you already ate it on the train. I am afraid of your roommates, reader. They are not like us. They are stronger.

Anyway, per your dilemma, I have great news! There’s actually a pretty straightforward process for any couple that wants to call each other “partner,” and it is laid out thusly:

First, acquire a horse. In my experience, this is undoubtedly the hardest part. They are not as docile as propaganda disseminated by Big Horse™ would have you believe. Once you’ve acquired a horse, you must find someone else with a horse. This is the second-hardest part; hardly anyone owns a horse these days. But it’s all downhill from there, really: Then you just have to rob one measly bank. Fill your burlap sack to the brim with gold (draw a giant dollar sign on it for flair) and ride hard toward the purple-pink horizon, which holds adventures unknown just beyond the gentle curve of the earth.

In an arid desert, sitting next to a crackling fire and staring off into space, reveal your tragic backstory. Only one of you has to do this, and honestly if you want to be renewed for another season it’s better if one of you withholds theirs. After you tell your tale, allow a sacred pause to engulf the both of you. With your eyes on the moon, say, “Partners?” If the moon replies with “Partners” or “I reckon so,” then congratulations! You are partners.

I wasted so much time on that fake scenario. I’m so sorry. The real answer is so brief that I needed filler, and I have a creative writing degree that I haven’t put mileage on in a while. Ahem. Your roommates have every right to call each other partner, or whatever they want to call each other, really. It’s their relationship. Sure, you can be annoyed with it. I once knew a couple who called each other “honeydew” and “little lady.” But I’m not a victim. I grew from it and I learned.

On the other hand, I do think all queer people are justified in keeping our side-eye in a perpetual state of vigilance for cishet tomfoolery, and it’s always worth interrogating relative privilege within the queer community. There is privilege inherent in any relationship that reads as straight. But your roommates are bisexual, and being in a relationship that may read as straight from an outside perspective doesn’t erase their queerness. It would indeed be gatekeepy to tell them what they can or can’t call each other.

As for the kerfuffle over the term “partner” in general, I actually like that it deemphasizes gender and connotes a certain equity among all parties involved. Yeah, there are cishet people who use it self-righteously, as if they are single-handedly dismantling the patriarchy by dropping the word at parties, but those people are annoying for a litany of other, much more pressing reasons. If I were you, I would mind my own business and just hope they don’t break up while I’m living with them.

And anyway, Dowdy… aren’t we all partners in the cosmic law firm of life?

No.

No, we are not. That is not what the universe is.

— Papi

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Agony Aunt

Entries tagged with hola papi

¡Hola Papi!: My Partner Keeps Stealing My Clothes?

¡Hola Papi!: How Do I Live My Best Queer Life in 2019?

¡Hola Papi!: My Dad Died Before I Could Come Out to Him. Now What?

¡Hola Papi! I'm 20 and Still Haven't Had My First Kiss. Is There Hope for Me?

¡Hola Papi!: Am I Wrong to Be Annoyed With the Term 'Partner'?

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