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agonyaunt2021-01-06 03:11 pm
thedivinegoat) wrote in agonyaunt2021-01-06 03:11 pm
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WFT Captain Awkward?
ETA: jadelennox posted CA's update/correction. Very relieved.
Hello Captain Awkward!
I’m a single woman in her mid-20s and I went to a new dentist, who might be in his late-20s, for an appointment the other day. He was extremely nice and very conversational. At first I thought he was just being nice (or flirting with his assistant – who is also young looking and beautiful).
But then he started asking me about food and restaurants, things I like, how long I plan to live in our state.
Then I saw he didn’t have a ring (which I know isn’t always a clue, but I used it) and so I started wondering, “is there more to his nice-ness?”
What are your thoughts? Was he being professional and nice to his new patient? Was he flirting with me and I have to make the move since it is his place of employment? Was he doing it to be nice around his assistant? Or something else I’m not seeing?
Thank you so much!
Hello and you’re welcome! First question of 2021, nice and gentle, let’s do it.
From what you’ve described, I can’t tell if your dentist was flirting vs. making generally charming chitchat, and he probably has to remove all hand-jewelry during the dentistry, so I think the most important question is: Do you want it to have been flirting, specifically, with you, and would you like to do it some more, with him? Answering those questions truthfully will determine your actions (if any).
If you are interested in him, I think you get one quick internet search to see what pops up in the old relationship status data field and *one* ask: “I really enjoyed talking about getting to know [City] with you the other day. When it’s safe and Covid-restrictions have lifted, what’s the first place I should check out? Any chance you’d like to join me?”
From there, you’ll have more information. “My wife’s favorite place is _________, which you should definitely try. You can tell me how it is at your next appointment!” sends one message.
Someone who comes back to you with carefully tailored recommendations heavy on the candlelight and an enthusiastic “I’d love that, it’s a date!” is telling you something else, especially if he stays in touch informally via text or email. At very least you may have made a charming new friend, and sometimes our charming new friends have single friends or hot brothers or cousins or really cool sisters and female friends who will also like you.
I’d interpret anything in the middle extremely conservatively, a noncommittal “X place is great, I think you’ll love it” recommendation that doesn’t specifically respond to the part where you asked him out is most likely a gentle “no” for dating purposes. If he changes his mind or intended something different, he knows where to find you.
I like this question for many reasons:
I think women who date men should do more of the asking out, in general, and in a world where you can’t guarantee that anyone will like you or like you That Way, refocusing the question on your own desires can be healthy and clarifying. What do you want? What do you want? If you don’t like Dr. Teeth enough to risk the possibility of mild embarrassment at possibly misreading the situation or mild faux pas of crossing professional streams, then you probably don’t like him enough to ask him out, which is a solution that doesn’t require knowing for sure what he intended.
In my quest for a world where people are collectively much better at taking ‘no’ for an answer, I think more asking out should happen sooner, where possible, when the stakes are very low and it’s possible to get a pretty swift read on the situation. I know many readers here are slow-burners who need a lot of time to build up attraction and trust, and that’s valid, and I hope you all happily date each other! <3! But especially once pandemic-safety allows it again, it is absolutely okay to ask people out, be asked out, and actually go on first dates *without knowing for sure* if you want anything to happen with the person beyond a nice time. The longer unspoken assumptions and longings build up, the greater the pressure for a certain outcome, and the harder the subsequent crash if the feelings aren’t returned.
I’m not a big fan of asking people out at their workplace or confusing professional friendliness with something more, but a dentist you see twice a year isn’t the same as a tipped employee who must be friendly to make a living and whose coffee bar you can haunt on the daily. The risks for him making a move on you are relatively high (if he guesses wrong he’s forever “that creepy dentist on Yelp”) but as long as you are 100% cool with taking ‘no’ for an answer, the risks for you are more along the lines of momentary blush and then politely forgetting it ever happened. If he wants to keep it strictly professional, he’ll gently reset the expectations for you, and you will have lost nothing and gained both a good, professional dentist and a few good restaurant recs. I’ve encountered worse odds?
jadelennox posted CA's update/correction. Very relieved.Hello Captain Awkward!
I’m a single woman in her mid-20s and I went to a new dentist, who might be in his late-20s, for an appointment the other day. He was extremely nice and very conversational. At first I thought he was just being nice (or flirting with his assistant – who is also young looking and beautiful).
But then he started asking me about food and restaurants, things I like, how long I plan to live in our state.
Then I saw he didn’t have a ring (which I know isn’t always a clue, but I used it) and so I started wondering, “is there more to his nice-ness?”
What are your thoughts? Was he being professional and nice to his new patient? Was he flirting with me and I have to make the move since it is his place of employment? Was he doing it to be nice around his assistant? Or something else I’m not seeing?
Thank you so much!
Hello and you’re welcome! First question of 2021, nice and gentle, let’s do it.
From what you’ve described, I can’t tell if your dentist was flirting vs. making generally charming chitchat, and he probably has to remove all hand-jewelry during the dentistry, so I think the most important question is: Do you want it to have been flirting, specifically, with you, and would you like to do it some more, with him? Answering those questions truthfully will determine your actions (if any).
If you are interested in him, I think you get one quick internet search to see what pops up in the old relationship status data field and *one* ask: “I really enjoyed talking about getting to know [City] with you the other day. When it’s safe and Covid-restrictions have lifted, what’s the first place I should check out? Any chance you’d like to join me?”
From there, you’ll have more information. “My wife’s favorite place is _________, which you should definitely try. You can tell me how it is at your next appointment!” sends one message.
Someone who comes back to you with carefully tailored recommendations heavy on the candlelight and an enthusiastic “I’d love that, it’s a date!” is telling you something else, especially if he stays in touch informally via text or email. At very least you may have made a charming new friend, and sometimes our charming new friends have single friends or hot brothers or cousins or really cool sisters and female friends who will also like you.
I’d interpret anything in the middle extremely conservatively, a noncommittal “X place is great, I think you’ll love it” recommendation that doesn’t specifically respond to the part where you asked him out is most likely a gentle “no” for dating purposes. If he changes his mind or intended something different, he knows where to find you.
I like this question for many reasons:
I think women who date men should do more of the asking out, in general, and in a world where you can’t guarantee that anyone will like you or like you That Way, refocusing the question on your own desires can be healthy and clarifying. What do you want? What do you want? If you don’t like Dr. Teeth enough to risk the possibility of mild embarrassment at possibly misreading the situation or mild faux pas of crossing professional streams, then you probably don’t like him enough to ask him out, which is a solution that doesn’t require knowing for sure what he intended.
In my quest for a world where people are collectively much better at taking ‘no’ for an answer, I think more asking out should happen sooner, where possible, when the stakes are very low and it’s possible to get a pretty swift read on the situation. I know many readers here are slow-burners who need a lot of time to build up attraction and trust, and that’s valid, and I hope you all happily date each other! <3! But especially once pandemic-safety allows it again, it is absolutely okay to ask people out, be asked out, and actually go on first dates *without knowing for sure* if you want anything to happen with the person beyond a nice time. The longer unspoken assumptions and longings build up, the greater the pressure for a certain outcome, and the harder the subsequent crash if the feelings aren’t returned.
I’m not a big fan of asking people out at their workplace or confusing professional friendliness with something more, but a dentist you see twice a year isn’t the same as a tipped employee who must be friendly to make a living and whose coffee bar you can haunt on the daily. The risks for him making a move on you are relatively high (if he guesses wrong he’s forever “that creepy dentist on Yelp”) but as long as you are 100% cool with taking ‘no’ for an answer, the risks for you are more along the lines of momentary blush and then politely forgetting it ever happened. If he wants to keep it strictly professional, he’ll gently reset the expectations for you, and you will have lost nothing and gained both a good, professional dentist and a few good restaurant recs. I’ve encountered worse odds?
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