Ask Amy: Is There Someone Else?

[ermingarden]

Dear Amy: I’ve been off and on with a guy for 21 years. I love him, but I’ve never met his family or friends. I’m never invited to his home, but he comes to mine (off and on).

I’ve tried to break it off with him several times.

I’m getting older (we are both 54), and he still does not want to commit. When I don’t hear from him, it hurts me to think he’s with someone else. I’m sure he has someone else in his life.

I think sometimes I’m losing my mind, especially when I’m with him. How do I get over him and move on? –Heartbroken

Heartbroken: You can be sure that this man has other people — probably several other people (including, possibly, wives and children).

I’m so sorry you are locked into this unhealthy relationship. It obviously makes you miserable.

You already know what you need to do, and that is to leave it completely. Break up, cut off and block all contact.

This will be like giving up nicotine or alcohol. You should ask a close friend or family member to help you through this, to hold your hand and offer you support during those times when you’re feeling down. Counseling would also help.

You were trained to tolerate this by a manipulator. In order to take your power back, you will have to retrain yourself to get away, and stay away.

Comments

[ermingarden]

21 years!? It boggles the mind. This guy is a real piece of work.

[movingfinger]

This is horrifyingly sad. If LW didn't stop seeing her friends as an early part of the isolation this much manipulation implies, they should have pointed out what "I never meet his family" means.

There are often arguments in advice columns about when friends should speak up and tell friends things like "you're obviously a piece on the side," and often "mind your own business" is the reply. Everyone I've ever seen on the short end of the stick in this situation needed the outside confirmation that they weren't imagining things, or "needy," or unreasonable.

[lilysea]

Sometimes "I've never met his family" is reasonable - if there's distance, or if the parents in question are Difficult.

[I've always gone out of my way to keep my partners far away from my parents because my parents are a nightmare]

[minoanmiss]

While this is very true (my sweetie's mother kept me a secret from his hella racist father, for which I am absolutely grateful) it usually comes with explicit reasons and so on. Never meeting *anyone* from one's SO's life is a little suspicious.

[lilysea]

Yeah, I never kept partners from meeting my *friends*, just from meeting my parents.

[ashbet]

^^^This.

I am delighted to introduce my partners to important people in my life (daughter, friends, family-of-choice), but I wouldn’t subject them to my mother.

[starfleetbrat]

after 21 years if he still doesn't want to commit he isn't going to.
after 21 years if you haven't met a single other person from his life there is something going on.
after any amount of time if he makes you feel like you are losing your mind, you need to break it off with him for good and find someone who doesn't make you feel like that.

[hlagol]

Surprised it's taken 21 years for this person to write to an advice column. I wonder how many years they've spent slowly working up the nerve to send this letter, and how many more it'll take for them to break it off.

[tielan]

My heart breaks for LW, but after 21 years, the only way to do this is to ghost the person completely. Delete his number, block his accounts. Never speak with him again. Because he'll keep coming back for his 'bit on the side' (that's LW) when he gets bored of whatever else is in his life.

[minoanmiss]

We should send her the lady in your icon for moral support. She looks resolute.