Miss Manners: First Date on His Birthday

[ermingarden]

Dear Miss Manners: I have a date with a guy I met three years ago. We have communicated on and off, and now he is coming to town and has asked me out. The date is on his birthday, and I don’t know whether I should do something for him!

Asking someone for a first — or first-in-a-while — date on one’s birthday is like bringing along your parents: It skips necessary steps on the way to developing a relationship.

For that reason, Miss Manners would have changed the day, had she known. Because it is too late for that, you should bring a token gift — inexpensive and lighthearted — while he should insist that he has never attached much importance to the day — which is not really plausible, because he must have been the one who told you.

Comments

[ermingarden]

I agree with Miss Manners that this is strange for a first date. However, I wonder if Miss Manners erred in assuming that the man told the LW his birthday: Since LW has been acquainted with him for some time, it seems plausible that they are Facebook friends and LW was notified that way, so it may in fact be the case that the man doesn't attach any real importance to his birthday.

[melannen]

Yes, agreed. It's also possible even without facebook that a mutual acquaintance mentioned it. If he wasn't the one that told you, LW, I would say the polite thing is to pretend you don't know until he does mention it.

If he was the one that told you, go with Miss Manners' advice. Although I would probably go with something not just token but that passes as an icebreaker gift. Or flowers.

[helle]

It's also quite possible that if he's in town for business or whatever, he might have quite a small window of time to meet in.

[cereta]

It also occurred to me that she might live in the same town as his family (it's not an uncommon way to form connections on social media, particularly Facebook), and he's in town specifically for his birthday.

[ekaterinn]

I disagree with the advice to bring a token gift - you should of course wish him happy birthday, but there's no real reason to bring a gift. (I agree with people above - it's very possible LW knows about his birthday through other means than him directly telling LW).

[jadelennox]

yeah agreed. I don't think there's any social obligation to give adults birthday presents ever, anyway. We're not children.

[xenacryst]

I agree with MM that this is a slightly awkward situation, but I’m becoming less convinced as I get older that avoiding awkwardness at all costs is better than facing it straight on. Maybe it’s fine here, but I would present an alternate script for the LW to choose between:

“I know this feels a little awkward, but I hope you aren’t expecting me to bring a birthday present on our date. I don’t really know you well enough yet to know what would be good, and it just seems like it would be better to spend the time actually getting to know each other than to fuss over something trivial.”

I mean, I know some people are perfectly fine with awkwardness-avoidance behaviors and building a relationship on them. Go them. In my own life, I’m coming more to the view that, hey, if we can name this awkwardness now, and set it aside before it blossoms into a huge awkward stink flower in the middle of the room that we’re all afraid to take out to the compost, maybe our lives would be a little more peaceful.

[purlewe]

OK my first date with my now wife was the week of her birthday. And the reason we didn't go out the day we had planned was bc it was her birthday and her friends threw her a little party. But I felt I should do something bc plans were delayed. I made brownies and gave her one with a candle in it.

The big joke still today is I asked her if she wanted silver or gold before I brought the brownie out. (I had silver and gold candles. She was thinking I was about to give her jewelry and she was seeing red flags everywhere) We also joke that I make such a good brownie we are still together today.

I say get something small. Or insist on buying a fancy dessert. Something consumable like dessert means no one will hold onto it as a memento in any way.

[minoanmiss]

That is an adorable story. *beams*

I completely agree, especially about the consumable nature of the gift. If I were in this situation I'd bring some of my homemade candy, because I have some, because making it is one of my hobbies. So either he'd already know this is just a little nice thing and not a Big Deal, or I could use it as a conversation starter about hobbies. And if he can't eat it for [reason] I have a chance to demonstrate that I'm cool with that, and also learn [reason] so I can avoid that pitfall.

[greenygal]

I like the consumables suggestion, but may I also suggest (and no one who knows me will be surprised) a nice card? A card expresses the sentiment “Hey, it’s your birthday! Congrats!” but does not require a lot of effort on the giver’s part and does not create any pressure or worries about reciprocity for the recipient.

[torachan]

Even if he was the one who told the LW when his birthday is, that doesn't preclude him not attaching much importance to it. I don't tend to do anything for my birthday but that doesn't mean I try to hide when it is.

[shirou]

This was my first thought. LW can say “happy birthday” and otherwise forget about it.