Dear Prudence: Mentioning the Stalker

[minoanmiss]

Dear Prudence,

I have a stalker. I went out with Andi for two dates in college, 10 years ago, and she has stalked me sporadically since then. Over the years her behavior has escalated (from turning up at places I am at consistently to breaking into my house/harassing me online) and becoming more sporadic (going from constantly to once or twice a year).

This has been a terrible experience. I don’t really fear for my safety, but mentally it took a toll. I have done everything wrong, in the beginning, and right to try and deal with the situation. And finally something, I don’t know what, seems to have worked. It will be two years since my last contact with Andi in July. This is a record. My question is what is the appropriate point to tell any of the women I might date about Andi?

Previously, when she was more active, I would either not date or tell people on the first date pretty much. I had one long-term partner for about five years in the middle, so obviously we were in that together, but the stress of it got too much. Now, on the off-chance this is over, can I responsibly push that story back? It would be nice to not have to recap a decade of anxiety and harassment before the waiter brings the menus. It also feels weird to drag Andi’s mental health problems out for two strangers to pick over. At the same time, Andi has harassed people I know and work with before. So the hypervigilant part of me feels I should hand over a list of what to watch out for. It would have been nice if someone had told me to watch out for Andi before that first date.

—Ex Stalker

Dear Ex Stalker,

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I would say date five, or when you begin to get a whiff of potential exclusivity on the horizon, whichever comes first. You can keep it relatively light, framing it as something that happened in your past and will hopefully remain in the past, rather than something your current partner needs to be warned about. And listen to the voice that is telling you not to unpack all of Andi’s mental health issues. No matter how terrible her behavior may have been (and I believe it was really terrible!) you’re going to sound worse if you badmouth her. Stick to a summary of the facts and use it as an opportunity to show your maturity and empathy. The woman you’re dating might end up liking you even more for the way you handle it.