conuly: (Default)
conuly ([personal profile] conuly) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2018-12-19 07:19 pm

Dating MUCH younger people can cause judgement from others

I was 41-years-old when I was dating a lovely 16-year-old girl. I made the cardinal mistake of inviting her to my company party. The gossipmonger types engaged in salacious banter that hurt my reputation. I ended up leaving that job.

At 45, I’d asked my then-girlfriend (age 17) to accompany me to my office party. I told her not to volunteer any demographical information about herself and instructed her to tailor her appearance to “look a bit older.”

Unfortunately, a senior VP’s daughter was a high-school classmate with my date and he recognized her right away. The shame and humiliation that I endured in the aftermath forced me to quit that employer.

Today, I’m on an executive track in a senior leadership role at a great company that has much career advancement potential.

I’m 48, and my gorgeous wife of eight months just turned 19. Heeding the lessons of my past, I’m extremely reluctant to take my wife to the party this week.

But skipping it would be detrimental from a networking standpoint.

However, if I attend with my wife, I risk possibly irking many people, especially since numbers of my colleagues have daughters in her same age-range. I don’t think this’ll go well in this #MeToo era. Should I attend the party alone?

It’s interesting that you don’t mention how your wife feels about this decision.

If you hold equal standing and respect in your marriage, despite your 29-year age difference, then her opinion must count equally.

The past is done, yet some facts about your previous relationships are worth reviewing.

Assuming that you were having sex with your girlfriends of 16 and 17 while in your 40s, the following should be noted:

In Canada, the age of consent to sexual activity is 16. However, in some cases, it’s higher (e.g. when there’s a relationship of trust, authority or dependency.) In the United States, the age of consent for sex varies by state, at 16, 17, or 18, with most set at 16.

It begs the question: Back then, how much say did your teenage companions have in your decisions?

They may’ve participated in legally consensual sex, but, when you were ordering someone to hide her age and “dress a bit older,” was that “a relationship of trust” which could have challenged its legality? Some of those “gossip-monger types” might have wondered.

Now for the present. Your wife at 19 now, was the legal age to marry months ago at 18, anywhere in North America except for Nebraska, the one state that sets the age of majority at 19.

So, now, what should you and your wife decide about the imminent corporate Christmas party?

Immediately discuss the choices together, being open and realistic about their pros and cons:

If you decide to skip the gathering, with its opportunities for meeting and chatting up top execs, then without a very plausible excuse, it can dim your career path.

If you attend with your wife, her youth may indeed be off-putting to some with similar-age daughters and/or raise #MeToo thoughts among currently-activist observers, despite her wedding band. That can also risk future promotions for you.

However, IF your wife feels that by going alone you insult and diminish her, that’s a risk to your relationship, and one you apparently hadn’t yet considered.

Your job prospects are important. But not more important than sharing a life of respect and love with a true partner. Decide together.

http://ellieadvice.com/dating-much-younger-people-can-cause-judgement-from-others/
cereta: Bloom County, Opus typing "Maybe not that bad, but lord, it wasn't good." (it wasn't good)

[personal profile] cereta 2018-12-20 05:16 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah, I was okay with "lovely," because that can be more than physical, but "gorgeous" made me shudder.
mathemagicalschema: A blonde-haired boy asleep on an asteroid next to a flower. (Default)

[personal profile] mathemagicalschema 2018-12-20 12:33 am (UTC)(link)
UHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I have no words.
watersword: Keira Knightley, in Pride and Prejudice (2007), turning her head away from the viewer, the word "elizabeth" written near (Default)

[personal profile] watersword 2018-12-20 12:51 am (UTC)(link)
It gets worse with literally every clause.
cereta: Barbie as SuperSparkle (Barbie doubts your commitment to Sparkle)

[personal profile] cereta 2018-12-20 01:12 am (UTC)(link)
...Eeewwww.
Edited 2018-12-20 01:12 (UTC)
rosefox: Green books on library shelves. (Default)

[personal profile] rosefox 2018-12-20 01:33 am (UTC)(link)
[scream emoji] x 100000000
jadelennox: I've been patient, I've been gracious, and this mountain is covered with wolves (joco: wolves)

[personal profile] jadelennox 2018-12-20 05:33 pm (UTC)(link)
I second this comment.
annotated_em: Calvin from Calvin and Hobbs, color, clutching his face in horror (shock and horror)

[personal profile] annotated_em 2018-12-20 01:45 am (UTC)(link)
Fuckin yikes.
neotoma: Neotoma albigula, the white-throated woodrat! [default icon] (Default)

[personal profile] neotoma 2018-12-20 01:51 am (UTC)(link)
I notice that these are three different people that he dated/married. No wonder his co-workers think he's a creep.
julian: Picture of the sign for Julian Street. (Default)

[personal profile] julian 2018-12-20 03:49 am (UTC)(link)
Tracks weirdly in time (he was 45 and his GF was 17; now he's 48 and his wife 19), but that *can* work if she was just-17 at that time, or something.

Either way, controlly jerk, even aside from the age thing.
Edited 2018-12-20 03:49 (UTC)
jadelennox: I've been patient, I've been gracious, and this mountain is covered with wolves (joco: wolves)

[personal profile] jadelennox 2018-12-20 05:34 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh god I hadn't even noticed that. I didn't think the letter could get worse, but it did.
kutsuwamushi: (I don't even know)

[personal profile] kutsuwamushi 2018-12-20 02:10 am (UTC)(link)
Holy shit.

His poor wife.
minoanmiss: A detail of the Ladies in Blue fresco (Lady in Blue)

[personal profile] minoanmiss 2018-12-20 03:44 am (UTC)(link)
Oh Lord I feel ill. These poor girls.

The past is done, yet some facts about your previous relationships are worth reviewing.

Heh, nice phrasing.
tielan: High Tea With Hathor (mood - snarky)

[personal profile] tielan 2018-12-20 04:15 am (UTC)(link)
The delusion is strong in this one.

--

Mate, no decent people are going to take a look at you and your teenaged wife and think anything but "he's a pedo". (And I say this as someone whose dad is married to someone twenty years his junior; the difference? He met her when she was in her forties.)

So your options are "detrimental from a networking standpoint" or "I'm one step away from a pedophile". Pick one.

Although, really, I like Ellie's (?) advice in that you should discuss this with your wife - because, you know, she's going to come in for a lot of shit, too. You know, pity, sniggering, sneering for being a 'gold digger' - that sort of thing? While your job may be endangered, her self-esteem is more likely to end up on the line (particularly as she grows up into a mature woman whose husband has a history of preferring teenaged girls) - and that is, frankly, far more fragile in a young woman than the job prospects of a dirty old man.
rmc28: Rachel in hockey gear on the frozen fen at Upware, near Cambridge (Default)

[personal profile] rmc28 2018-12-20 07:24 am (UTC)(link)
Yeah, I'm wondering whether this guy is still going to be considering her "gorgeous" at 29 and 39, or looking for the next teenager.
Edited (hit post too soon) 2018-12-20 07:25 (UTC)
cereta: "Candid" shot from Barbie Princess Charm school of goofy faces. (Barbie is goofy)

[personal profile] cereta 2018-12-20 05:20 pm (UTC)(link)
Don't forget "trophy wife." I have a friend who was an older man's second wife, and she got a lot of that.

I also like Ellie pointing out that, you know, your wife has some agency, here. In any relationship, one partner making this decision alone would be bad, but in a relationship with a built-in power imbalance, one that is going to take WORK to correct (and one that the LW seems to like having, frankly), it's especially critical.
toujours_nigel: Greek, red-figure Rhea (Default)

[personal profile] toujours_nigel 2018-12-20 05:01 am (UTC)(link)
wow
sara: Lewis and Hathaway frowning at a sheet of paper. (paper frowning)

[personal profile] sara 2018-12-20 05:05 am (UTC)(link)
Well, the headline's not wrong, because I'm certainly judging.
cereta: My daughter Judges You (Frog Judges You)

[personal profile] cereta 2018-12-20 05:24 pm (UTC)(link)
Indeed. I'm reminded of Trump saying of a ten-year-old girl that he'd be dating her in ten years. Eeeewww.
fairestcat: Dreadful the cat (Default)

[personal profile] fairestcat 2018-12-20 05:42 am (UTC)(link)
*shudders*

ayebydan: by <user name="sylveon"> (pokemon: ivysaur)

[personal profile] ayebydan 2018-12-20 02:47 pm (UTC)(link)
I mean, the wife is already the wife so I'm going to tackle it from that point. Post YIKES.

That is your wife man. Take her and deal with the resulting fallout like an adult. There are plenty of ways to say 'My relationship is none of your business', 'I agree there is a large age gap but I assure you my wife and I are content in our marriage' ect while remaining polite. If anyone escalates HR can fire their ass not yours. Hiding her away does not seem the right answer. When can she appear? When she's 20? 21? Has a possible child? Has an 'adulty' enough job for your co-workers?

You married a younger woman so deal with the consequences and try enjoy the party.
shirou: (cloud)

[personal profile] shirou 2018-12-21 03:13 am (UTC)(link)
Holy crap. I have nothing more to say.

My aunt, when she was in her early 20s, dated a man 20 years her senior. They married, and they remained happily and lovingly married until they were (about) 70 and 90, when he died. With this for context, I've always tried to remain open minded about age gaps. And yet, all I can say about this letter is...

Holy crap.