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agonyaunt2022-04-15 01:18 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-04-15 01:18 pm
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Dear Prudence: Help! The Woman I’ve Been Hooking Up With Is a Lot Smarter Than I Thought.
I’m not sure I can get over this.
I am a straight man in my 30s who has been friends with benefits with “Alice” for over a year. It’s been a good, safe pandemic arrangement; Alice is fun, cute, and it’s been nice to find someone I really enjoy hanging out with and enjoy sex with and is on the same page about not being in a relationship. Uncomplicated, is what it has been, I guess, until recently.
Alice has mentioned before that she writes, and recently shared that she’d sold a story for a little bit of money, and received an honorable mention in a contest. I got a weird feeling I couldn’t place. Alice directed me to some of her work, and I read it, and ended up searching and finding a lot of more of it. She’s really, really talented, much more than I had ever stopped to consider, and I don’t know why it bothers me to find story after story that she’s written. I scribble a bit, mostly stray thoughts and RPG game worldbuilding and character stuff, but I had never thought of publishing. It shouldn’t bother me that Alice has, or that her stuff is frankly so much better than I could ever dream of producing. But it has. I am jealous and intimidated and don’t know what to do. The cute lady I eat pizza with and watch movies with and fool around with is now … someone who has done something I never could and is, let’s face it, likely smarter than I am. I mean, I had never thought she was dumb by any stretch of the imagination before, and have always thought her to be intelligent and really witty and capable of having a good argument or discussion over lots of topics, but this seems different, like the proof is solid and obvious that I don’t compare. Is there any going back from this?
— Jealous FWB
Dear Jealous FWB,
Methinks the struggle you’re having is that, whether you knew it or not, you thought of Alice as a plaything. She was just a sex friend, which meant in your world she just existed for your pleasure. Such is the nature of friends with benefits sometimes, and as long as there’s mutual understanding, that’s all well and good. But it’s creating stress for you now because the rest of her life isn’t contributing to the whole “solely created to make you happy” thing you have going on.
Here’s the thing: Maybe you’re her plaything. My friend, she probably knew this from jump, and she’s okay with it. It works for her. So you have to ask yourself if you’ll be able to enjoy yourself casually and sexually with someone who is smarter than you. If intelligence is a big part of your self-conception, this may be a hang-up. However, it doesn’t sound like it really entered the picture before. Is it easier to not catch feelings for someone you think you’re smarter than? Do you not feel as virile now that you know about her professional success? This sounds like it’s wrapped up—as all sexual relationships are—in bigger and deeper questions about who you are and how you see yourself in the world. I’d suggest, however, that you give yourself the luxury of turning your brain off when you’re hanging out with Alice. Sometimes sex can be just sex.
I am a straight man in my 30s who has been friends with benefits with “Alice” for over a year. It’s been a good, safe pandemic arrangement; Alice is fun, cute, and it’s been nice to find someone I really enjoy hanging out with and enjoy sex with and is on the same page about not being in a relationship. Uncomplicated, is what it has been, I guess, until recently.
Alice has mentioned before that she writes, and recently shared that she’d sold a story for a little bit of money, and received an honorable mention in a contest. I got a weird feeling I couldn’t place. Alice directed me to some of her work, and I read it, and ended up searching and finding a lot of more of it. She’s really, really talented, much more than I had ever stopped to consider, and I don’t know why it bothers me to find story after story that she’s written. I scribble a bit, mostly stray thoughts and RPG game worldbuilding and character stuff, but I had never thought of publishing. It shouldn’t bother me that Alice has, or that her stuff is frankly so much better than I could ever dream of producing. But it has. I am jealous and intimidated and don’t know what to do. The cute lady I eat pizza with and watch movies with and fool around with is now … someone who has done something I never could and is, let’s face it, likely smarter than I am. I mean, I had never thought she was dumb by any stretch of the imagination before, and have always thought her to be intelligent and really witty and capable of having a good argument or discussion over lots of topics, but this seems different, like the proof is solid and obvious that I don’t compare. Is there any going back from this?
— Jealous FWB
Dear Jealous FWB,
Methinks the struggle you’re having is that, whether you knew it or not, you thought of Alice as a plaything. She was just a sex friend, which meant in your world she just existed for your pleasure. Such is the nature of friends with benefits sometimes, and as long as there’s mutual understanding, that’s all well and good. But it’s creating stress for you now because the rest of her life isn’t contributing to the whole “solely created to make you happy” thing you have going on.
Here’s the thing: Maybe you’re her plaything. My friend, she probably knew this from jump, and she’s okay with it. It works for her. So you have to ask yourself if you’ll be able to enjoy yourself casually and sexually with someone who is smarter than you. If intelligence is a big part of your self-conception, this may be a hang-up. However, it doesn’t sound like it really entered the picture before. Is it easier to not catch feelings for someone you think you’re smarter than? Do you not feel as virile now that you know about her professional success? This sounds like it’s wrapped up—as all sexual relationships are—in bigger and deeper questions about who you are and how you see yourself in the world. I’d suggest, however, that you give yourself the luxury of turning your brain off when you’re hanging out with Alice. Sometimes sex can be just sex.
Reactions #1 and #2
2) Dude, we are humans, not Kzinti. (God that species design traumatized me. It can be hard to be a SF fangirl sometimes.)
Re: Reactions #1 and #2
2. UGH.
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The Chanur definitely healed my teenage heart after trying to deal with Niven and Pournelle and suchlike writers, though scars remain.
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What? I don't get it. Why would I do anything else?
Re: Reactions #1 and #2
smooches you, decorously because we are in public
When I was about ten or eleven my father told me this story. (Yeah, brace yourself.) He said that I needed to lose weight because if I didn't the only husband I would be able to find would be low class and ignorant (thank you for the classism, Dad), and he would get angry at me for being smarter than him, and so he would beat me. (Also thanks for the WTFery, Father. Fun family times!)
The sad part is he's not all wrong. It's not about class/education/etc, but about attitude. From what I've seen a not-insignificant number of men who are attracted to women are intimidated or even horrified by intelligence in women. It's a little sad. But/and you are logarithmically better than that and I am very glad. :)
Re: Reactions #1 and #2
Regardless, you seem to have gone through life having had a series of boyfriends and girlfriends who've treated you well. Yes, there have been one or two or three turkeys, but who among us hasn't kissed a few frogs who didn't turn into princ(ess)es? And that's not dissimilar to the experience of other Women Of Size we both know.
Your dad likely doesn't think much of me as a suitable partner for you for a whole laundry list of reasons but I don't think either of us gives a rat's ass.
Re: Reactions #1 and #2
I am SOOOOOOOOO tempted to ask my dad who did better, me with you or Replacement Goldfish with her Trumpista husband. I won't. But I'm tempted.
Re: Reactions #1 and #2
Your dad would reply that RG (1) married within her race (2) married someone who's a Christian and (3) married. So yeah, by his standards, she did do better.
But fuck that noise. Are you REALLY going to value the opinion of a man who said "I didn't get the kid I ordered so I'm going to adopt one I like"? Someone like that is beneath your notice, and you know it.
Your parents did not appreciate the kid you were, and do not appreciate the wonderful adult you've become. If they don't see it, there are plenty of people around you in your present life who do. Your parents can die mad about it.
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Dear Prudence Uncensored is already casting the movie!
R. Eric Thomas: Chau! I’m excited to talk with you about this week’s question. What did you think of our LW, Alice, and the simmering Noah Baumbach movie in the middle of their hookup relationship?
Chau Tu: Hahah! Now I can’t stop imagining Jesse Eisenberg as this LW. My first reaction to this letter was … eeks. I’m glad the LW realizes what he’s feeling is off-base enough to ask for advice, but the line “The cute lady I eat pizza with” made me cringe a billion times over. Did anything catch you right away as you were reading through this?
Eric: Oh definitely. That line, and the fact that the LW concedes he never stopped to consider that Alice might be talented. I suppose we don’t necessarily need to sketch out large inner lives for our hookups, but at the bare minimum we should acknowledge they’re human. It seems Alice has been functioning more as a character in an RPG for the LW than as a person. Do you think Alice might be cognizant of this?
Chau: Right, hookups are hookups, but there’s gotta be some base level of knowing that others operate full lives outside your world? And also, presumably they are carrying half the conversation while you’re chomping on pizza and watching movies.
I did wonder about Alice’s experience, too. I’m sensing she had no idea about this; sharing your writing work can be pretty intimate, even if it is published online, and it feels like she was sharing with him because she was thinking he would appreciate it, not get intimidated and shut down.
Eric: Yeah, that part really makes me sad. As a writer, I understand that sometimes other people’s work can hit you in a vulnerable place unexpectedly. But that’s something we all have to deal with internally. Ideally, Alice’s writing should be a source of excitement for LW.
Chau: Right. I can understand that intimidation can be a self-esteem killer, though, and thereby could make the LW feel less sexy or sexually capable, so I think your advice about shutting off his own brain in this relationship was spot-on. But if Alice is, in fact, human, she’s gonna notice a shift in the LW, right?
Eric: She might, although I wonder how much the LW was tuned in before. It was hard to tell if they had a chill, casual thing that is now getting overcomplicated in the LW’s mind or if he was misreading their whole vibe. Either way, I think you’re right that now Alice might notice something is up.
What do you think of the LW’s last question—is there going back from this?
Chau: I feel like that’s gotta be up to the LW. Maybe he can turn off his brain and keep his intellectual interactions with Alice to a minimum—though again, we don’t know how Alice might intuit or react to that. Or maybe he can learn to sit with this revelation and eventually not let it bother him so much. But it sounds like a big crossroads moment for him.
Eric: Amazing how we humans escalate even the simplest things. Well, thanks for chatting about this letter that’s soon to be a Netflix film starring Greta Gerwig and Adam Driver with me, Chau!
Re: Dear Prudence Uncensored is already casting the movie!
I need this movie in my life. That is all.
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Insecurity and imposter syndrome are real and tough to deal with, but the solution is probably to engage Alice more. She showed LW her writing, so she opened the door. It's time to decide whether to walk through it. FWB relationships seldom remain "uncomplicated" forever.
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You deserve whatever the columnist got paid. I was too busy being annoyed at LW for finding Alice's virtuosity anything other than a turn-on. SHE WRITES OMG PILLOW TALK FOREVER!
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In addition to being unhelpful, I found the columnist’s response rather ungenerous. LW never says a bad word about Alice. Even before discovering her writing, he found her intelligent and witty, and he recognizes he shouldn’t be bothered by her talent. The columnist devotes a lot of space to taking LW to task for feelings LW doesn’t want instead of helping him work through them. I found the response pretty awful.
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That's a good point, yeah. He could have written in asking "how do I convince her to /make her become dumber?" which I have seen several cases of during my lifetime.
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Reading the letter reminded me of all the statistics I've read about men's discomfort with their spouses' success and it's easy to tap into that vast pool if indignance, but it isn't helpful to anybody to pile all of that baggage on one dude. If he is motivated by these things, they're programming that he's aware of and struggling with.
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Or pay a therapist to deal with those issues. (Given how much some of these advice columnists usually recommend therapy, even for things that I personally wouldn't deal with that way, I'm surprised this columnist didn't say it.)
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1. Don't worry, LW. She can't be that smart if she's still hooking up with you.
2. Of course, she was smart enough to realize that you can't just wait for writing skill to drop in your lap, you have to actually sit down and write, and do so enough to see improvement, and then keep doing it. Anybody can become technically competent with enough practice (and, preferably, feedback), whether or not they have innate talent.
The first isn't very kind. The second isn't very helpful. I mean, it would be for somebody else, but LW doesn't need encouragement, he needs some serious self-reflection. Not-so-veiled misogyny cannot be handled with kid gloves.