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agonyaunt2019-01-07 07:09 pm
colorwheel) wrote in agonyaunt2019-01-07 07:09 pm
Ask A Manager: my coworkers complained that the look of my breasts post-mastectomy is making them un
OP:
I recently had a double mastectomy with reconstruction, but the reconstruction on one side failed. As a consequence, I am not exactly symmetrical at the moment and will stay this way until the reconstruction is attempted again (probably next summer).
I decided to not wear an external implant (it goes in the bra and once I’m dressed makes it look like both sides are identical) so even with clothes on it is quite obvious that I am missing a breast. I find the implant (I call it a boob-cushion) quite uncomfortable to wear.
I’ve recently started work again and a higher-up asked to speak to me. He explained that people had complained to him about the look of my breast and that it made them uncomfortable. He hinted quite strongly that i should wear the boob-cushion to not make colleagues uncomfortable. I know that a couple of colleagues had breast cancer in the past and thought it maybe reminds them and makes them uncomfortable … except it isn’t them who have complained. I even spoke to them and they were both really supportive of my choice. I wasn’t told who exactly complained, but apparently it’s a few guys who work in my area (not my own team). I’m a woman in my late twenties and most guys in the office are 40 or over.
My office has no dress code, and if it makes any difference, I don’t wear any cleavage, just jumpers and things like that.
I’m not too sure what to do and how to react. I really don’t like the boob-cushion and it’s really uncomfortable to wear all day, but at the same time if my higher-ups thinks it’s serious enough in an office with no dress code, then maybe I should just bite the bullet and wear it? All i said to my higher-up so far is that I would think about it, but I know he expects me to wear it when I come back after the Christmas break. What should I do?
ALISON:
Oh my goodness, you do NOT have to alter the appearance of your chest to suit anyone else, least of all coworkers.
It is, frankly, outrageous that anyone would even think to complain that your chest isn’t sufficiently pleasing to them — in any situation, but particularly post-cancer. And it’s even more outrageous that your manager would think it was appropriate to pass that along to you, or to expect you to act on such an offensive and gross complaint.
If your manager brings this up with you again, please say this: “I am deeply uncomfortable discussing the appearance of my breasts at work, and hope you will agree that it is incredibly inappropriate for any colleagues to weigh in on how they’d like my breasts to look post-cancer. I hope we can agree never to discuss this again.”
If he replies with anything other than an apology and dropping the matter, you should say this: “I’m sure we don’t want to get into telling breast cancer patients that they need to wear prostheses after cancer. Cancer is protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act, and we could be opening ourselves up to legal liability. I will do the company the favor of pretending this didn’t happen, and of course I trust that you will shut this down with anyone who you hear discussing it.”
You can go with either of two different tones here: icy or collaborative. Icy is well-warranted, but if you don’t want to cause tension in the relationship, collaborative (a tone that conveys “let me help you fix this, since you’re about to step in a huge hole and I want to help you out”) can be the way to go.
(I originally had a whole paragraph here about how if this doesn’t solve it, you could say, “What you are suggesting wearing will cause me physical discomfort. Are you directing me to wear something that will cause me pain while I’m recovering from cancer, even though I dress no differently than others in the office?” But honestly if it gets to this point, talk to a lawyer because it’s past the point of reasoning with them.)
Also, if your company has an HR department (a real one, with trained HR people, not just the person who runs payroll and got roped into HR duties on the side), I’d skip all of the above and head there immediately, using the language above.
I recently had a double mastectomy with reconstruction, but the reconstruction on one side failed. As a consequence, I am not exactly symmetrical at the moment and will stay this way until the reconstruction is attempted again (probably next summer).
I decided to not wear an external implant (it goes in the bra and once I’m dressed makes it look like both sides are identical) so even with clothes on it is quite obvious that I am missing a breast. I find the implant (I call it a boob-cushion) quite uncomfortable to wear.
I’ve recently started work again and a higher-up asked to speak to me. He explained that people had complained to him about the look of my breast and that it made them uncomfortable. He hinted quite strongly that i should wear the boob-cushion to not make colleagues uncomfortable. I know that a couple of colleagues had breast cancer in the past and thought it maybe reminds them and makes them uncomfortable … except it isn’t them who have complained. I even spoke to them and they were both really supportive of my choice. I wasn’t told who exactly complained, but apparently it’s a few guys who work in my area (not my own team). I’m a woman in my late twenties and most guys in the office are 40 or over.
My office has no dress code, and if it makes any difference, I don’t wear any cleavage, just jumpers and things like that.
I’m not too sure what to do and how to react. I really don’t like the boob-cushion and it’s really uncomfortable to wear all day, but at the same time if my higher-ups thinks it’s serious enough in an office with no dress code, then maybe I should just bite the bullet and wear it? All i said to my higher-up so far is that I would think about it, but I know he expects me to wear it when I come back after the Christmas break. What should I do?
ALISON:
Oh my goodness, you do NOT have to alter the appearance of your chest to suit anyone else, least of all coworkers.
It is, frankly, outrageous that anyone would even think to complain that your chest isn’t sufficiently pleasing to them — in any situation, but particularly post-cancer. And it’s even more outrageous that your manager would think it was appropriate to pass that along to you, or to expect you to act on such an offensive and gross complaint.
If your manager brings this up with you again, please say this: “I am deeply uncomfortable discussing the appearance of my breasts at work, and hope you will agree that it is incredibly inappropriate for any colleagues to weigh in on how they’d like my breasts to look post-cancer. I hope we can agree never to discuss this again.”
If he replies with anything other than an apology and dropping the matter, you should say this: “I’m sure we don’t want to get into telling breast cancer patients that they need to wear prostheses after cancer. Cancer is protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act, and we could be opening ourselves up to legal liability. I will do the company the favor of pretending this didn’t happen, and of course I trust that you will shut this down with anyone who you hear discussing it.”
You can go with either of two different tones here: icy or collaborative. Icy is well-warranted, but if you don’t want to cause tension in the relationship, collaborative (a tone that conveys “let me help you fix this, since you’re about to step in a huge hole and I want to help you out”) can be the way to go.
(I originally had a whole paragraph here about how if this doesn’t solve it, you could say, “What you are suggesting wearing will cause me physical discomfort. Are you directing me to wear something that will cause me pain while I’m recovering from cancer, even though I dress no differently than others in the office?” But honestly if it gets to this point, talk to a lawyer because it’s past the point of reasoning with them.)
Also, if your company has an HR department (a real one, with trained HR people, not just the person who runs payroll and got roped into HR duties on the side), I’d skip all of the above and head there immediately, using the language above.