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agonyaunt2022-05-18 11:28 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-05-18 11:28 am
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: My Mother Supports A Child Molester
Content advisories as appropriate to the title.
Q. Mom’s support of a child molester: My mother remarried when I was 17 to “Dan.” Dan was accused of molesting several neighborhood girls after I was 23 and married. The evidence was pretty damning: Beyond the girls’ testimony, he sent explicit photos to a 12-year-old girl and tried to get her to do the same. Dan plea bargained and served less than a year in prison. My mother stood by him during it all and even sold the house my dead father left her to pay for Dan’s legal fees. Her support of Dan broke our relationship. Our last serious conversation involved me begging her to see the evidence (the texts had just come to light), and I asked what she would have done if I had been one of those molested little girls. My mother said that wouldn’t have happened because she didn’t raise me to be a “slut.” Since then, I don’t visit and rarely call my mother.
I am pregnant now, and we know it is going to be a little girl. After we posted the news on Facebook, my mother sent me a physical letter explaining that she was sorry about our “estrangement,” excited to be a grandma, and hoped this would be a new beginning for us all. I miss her so badly, and never thought I would go through this without her.
My mother is still with Dan. Even if she only visits, and Dan never breathes the same air as my daughter, I am terrified. What would my mother have done if Dan had molested me? Would she have blamed me? Called me a whore and a slut? Would she let Dan molest my daughter if something happened to my husband and me? How many other little girls has Dan ruined? Doesn’t my mother share in his crimes?
I don’t know what to do. My husband says he will follow my lead, but that he will kill Dan if he ever steps foot in our house. I so badly want my mom here, but I don’t know if she should come. Help me please.
: I’m so sorry you’re going through this as you prepare to become a mother yourself. This sounds extremely painful, but the one upside (although it’s not much of one, I’ll concede) is that things are extremely clear cut here. If your mother is willing to stay married to and actively defend a man who was convicted of molesting underage girls, then your mother cannot be around your daughter. Her desire to end your “estrangement” suggests that she thinks you two simply have a difference of opinion, but that “new beginning” she so desires is impossible as long as she refuses to acknowledge the harm her behavior has caused both you and others. The fact that she refused to look at the evidence and indirectly called Dan’s victims “sluts” makes it clear that neither she nor Dan are actively participating in any sort of meaningful rehabilitation or engagement with reality.
You have sufficient evidence that your mother absolutely would have blamed you had Dan molested you, and that’s reason enough to keep her out of your (and your daughter’s) life. I think therapy would prove extremely helpful to you as you deal with your grief and sense of loss as you prepare to have a daughter of your own without your mother’s help. But the way forward is clear: Anyone who has made it as clear as your mother has that she believes the children her husband molests are responsible for their own victimization should not be around children.
Q. Mom’s support of a child molester: My mother remarried when I was 17 to “Dan.” Dan was accused of molesting several neighborhood girls after I was 23 and married. The evidence was pretty damning: Beyond the girls’ testimony, he sent explicit photos to a 12-year-old girl and tried to get her to do the same. Dan plea bargained and served less than a year in prison. My mother stood by him during it all and even sold the house my dead father left her to pay for Dan’s legal fees. Her support of Dan broke our relationship. Our last serious conversation involved me begging her to see the evidence (the texts had just come to light), and I asked what she would have done if I had been one of those molested little girls. My mother said that wouldn’t have happened because she didn’t raise me to be a “slut.” Since then, I don’t visit and rarely call my mother.
I am pregnant now, and we know it is going to be a little girl. After we posted the news on Facebook, my mother sent me a physical letter explaining that she was sorry about our “estrangement,” excited to be a grandma, and hoped this would be a new beginning for us all. I miss her so badly, and never thought I would go through this without her.
My mother is still with Dan. Even if she only visits, and Dan never breathes the same air as my daughter, I am terrified. What would my mother have done if Dan had molested me? Would she have blamed me? Called me a whore and a slut? Would she let Dan molest my daughter if something happened to my husband and me? How many other little girls has Dan ruined? Doesn’t my mother share in his crimes?
I don’t know what to do. My husband says he will follow my lead, but that he will kill Dan if he ever steps foot in our house. I so badly want my mom here, but I don’t know if she should come. Help me please.
: I’m so sorry you’re going through this as you prepare to become a mother yourself. This sounds extremely painful, but the one upside (although it’s not much of one, I’ll concede) is that things are extremely clear cut here. If your mother is willing to stay married to and actively defend a man who was convicted of molesting underage girls, then your mother cannot be around your daughter. Her desire to end your “estrangement” suggests that she thinks you two simply have a difference of opinion, but that “new beginning” she so desires is impossible as long as she refuses to acknowledge the harm her behavior has caused both you and others. The fact that she refused to look at the evidence and indirectly called Dan’s victims “sluts” makes it clear that neither she nor Dan are actively participating in any sort of meaningful rehabilitation or engagement with reality.
You have sufficient evidence that your mother absolutely would have blamed you had Dan molested you, and that’s reason enough to keep her out of your (and your daughter’s) life. I think therapy would prove extremely helpful to you as you deal with your grief and sense of loss as you prepare to have a daughter of your own without your mother’s help. But the way forward is clear: Anyone who has made it as clear as your mother has that she believes the children her husband molests are responsible for their own victimization should not be around children.
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LW, she would have blamed you. Stay far away. I'm sorry.
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I miss her so badly, and never thought I would go through this without her.
God, what a nightmare. I just want to give LW all the hugs.
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I also hope LW was able to find a therapist, because what an awful thing to have to deal with!
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I'll go one further--i hope Dan has since died horribly, with nothing shy of the grace and dignity he deserves, and Mother has come to her senses and apologized in profusion to the LW.
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raises my glass
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