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agonyaunt2022-05-12 02:17 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-05-12 02:17 pm
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: A "mistake" from 30 years ago has come back to haunt me
Content advisory: adoption, secrets, asshole LW
I had a really, really dumb fling with my wife’s sister before we were married. I was 17 at the time, my girlfriend (Anna) was 18 and her sister (Bec) was 16. Bec and I hooked up when we were both high and drunk. It was nothing. A one-off mistake. Bec is not even into men, and she has never been my type. Anna and I had a fight and weren’t speaking, bumped into Bec at a party whose first girl crush just rejected her, and one thing led to another. We regretted it when sober and vowed to never mention it.
Five months later, we found out she was pregnant. She had no idea. Until she started getting pains in her side and went to the doctor, and she hadn’t gotten a period yet (her family are late bloomers, her sister didn’t start getting periods until she was 17, same with their mom apparently). Bec said she did not want kids, especially at 16, but it was too late for an abortion. She pretended it was a random guy, and her family supported her through a closed adoption in another state. Anna and I went on to get married four years later and had three kids of our own. Bec married a lovely woman, Sarah, and they also had two kids, carried one each. The four of us and our four kids were close and still are—the only reason I use were is that Bec passed away a year ago. Her kids are teens, and she died in her 40s from COVID.
Three weeks ago, a young man came looking for his mom. Bec never told her wife and kids about her son she put up for adoption. Anna and I didn’t tell them either: Not our story to tell. (I never told Anna about the one-night stand.)
The kid, Henry, has apparently had a good life and loves his adoptive family but is looking for his roots. He was able to access his birth records when he was 18, but it took him a while to track her down. No father was listed. He’s been staying with Sarah and the kids; they were in shock, but they are a lovely family and have really taken to him. Sarah is treating him like her step-son, which is lovely. But he has been asking about his dad. Anna knows nothing as Bec refused to talk. She firmly told her sister she was a lesbian and her one mistake with a man wasn’t going to define her. Sarah knows nothing, she didn’t even know about Henry. She was hurt over that, but her love for Bec is stronger than that. My kids actually suggested to Henry he do a DNA test; my kids and Sarah’s kids have both jumped on board and reckon they are all going to order test kits together with Henry “for fun.” I am in a fucking panic.
I love my wife and family. I have it so good. Can I really be ruined for a mistake I made 30 years ago as a stupid drunk kid? We have three young/teen kids, they deserve to have a happy, non-broken family. What can I do to stop this DNA test? I’m thinking of inventing a fake father. Saying Bec told me about him but didn’t want anyone to know as he was a bad guy. Maybe if Henry thinks his dad is a seedy asshole, he won’t bother looking. Or will that blow up in my face? He seems like a nice kid, and I know he wants to stick around to get to know his mom’s two kids, his step-mom and his cousins, but I just need him out of here. How can I make him go away? Without revealing the truth? I’ve been nice but a bit distant to him.
I reckon he looks like me. No one else has noticed though, thank Christ.
— Mistakes Won’t Stay Away
Dear Mistakes,
Often, we ask the wrong questions in response to the problems in our lives, perhaps hoping to receive answers that will fit what we want. But what we want and what can happen are two different things. The question of how you can stop the DNA test is, I’m sorry to say, not the right one. Short of some kind of caper, you can’t. It feels like this situation has already escalated—Henry is living with Sarah and her kids. This feels like an unusual step, to be honest, but it’s already occurred. He is a part of your family and he rightfully has more questions about his origins, and inventing a fake father isn’t going to satisfy those questions, only produce more.
Also, not for nothing, but he is your son. I know you didn’t intend to have a child but a person exists and his mother is deceased and you are plotting ways of getting rid of him. You’re asking the wrong questions at every step. So what are the right questions? How can you prepare yourself and your family for the news when you deliver it? You will need to be honest with your loved ones. I’d suggest telling the adults first, then the kids, and then tell Henry one-on-one. Each party will have a very different reaction, I imagine, but by being proactive and owning your part in this, you will save everyone involved a lot of hurt. Another question, this one you asked, albeit rhetorically: Can you really be ruined by a mistake you made 30 years ago? No. In this case, the mistake is information, neither malevolent nor benevolent. But you can be ruined by the actions you take in the present if those actions aren’t about setting things right.
I had a really, really dumb fling with my wife’s sister before we were married. I was 17 at the time, my girlfriend (Anna) was 18 and her sister (Bec) was 16. Bec and I hooked up when we were both high and drunk. It was nothing. A one-off mistake. Bec is not even into men, and she has never been my type. Anna and I had a fight and weren’t speaking, bumped into Bec at a party whose first girl crush just rejected her, and one thing led to another. We regretted it when sober and vowed to never mention it.
Five months later, we found out she was pregnant. She had no idea. Until she started getting pains in her side and went to the doctor, and she hadn’t gotten a period yet (her family are late bloomers, her sister didn’t start getting periods until she was 17, same with their mom apparently). Bec said she did not want kids, especially at 16, but it was too late for an abortion. She pretended it was a random guy, and her family supported her through a closed adoption in another state. Anna and I went on to get married four years later and had three kids of our own. Bec married a lovely woman, Sarah, and they also had two kids, carried one each. The four of us and our four kids were close and still are—the only reason I use were is that Bec passed away a year ago. Her kids are teens, and she died in her 40s from COVID.
Three weeks ago, a young man came looking for his mom. Bec never told her wife and kids about her son she put up for adoption. Anna and I didn’t tell them either: Not our story to tell. (I never told Anna about the one-night stand.)
The kid, Henry, has apparently had a good life and loves his adoptive family but is looking for his roots. He was able to access his birth records when he was 18, but it took him a while to track her down. No father was listed. He’s been staying with Sarah and the kids; they were in shock, but they are a lovely family and have really taken to him. Sarah is treating him like her step-son, which is lovely. But he has been asking about his dad. Anna knows nothing as Bec refused to talk. She firmly told her sister she was a lesbian and her one mistake with a man wasn’t going to define her. Sarah knows nothing, she didn’t even know about Henry. She was hurt over that, but her love for Bec is stronger than that. My kids actually suggested to Henry he do a DNA test; my kids and Sarah’s kids have both jumped on board and reckon they are all going to order test kits together with Henry “for fun.” I am in a fucking panic.
I love my wife and family. I have it so good. Can I really be ruined for a mistake I made 30 years ago as a stupid drunk kid? We have three young/teen kids, they deserve to have a happy, non-broken family. What can I do to stop this DNA test? I’m thinking of inventing a fake father. Saying Bec told me about him but didn’t want anyone to know as he was a bad guy. Maybe if Henry thinks his dad is a seedy asshole, he won’t bother looking. Or will that blow up in my face? He seems like a nice kid, and I know he wants to stick around to get to know his mom’s two kids, his step-mom and his cousins, but I just need him out of here. How can I make him go away? Without revealing the truth? I’ve been nice but a bit distant to him.
I reckon he looks like me. No one else has noticed though, thank Christ.
— Mistakes Won’t Stay Away
Dear Mistakes,
Often, we ask the wrong questions in response to the problems in our lives, perhaps hoping to receive answers that will fit what we want. But what we want and what can happen are two different things. The question of how you can stop the DNA test is, I’m sorry to say, not the right one. Short of some kind of caper, you can’t. It feels like this situation has already escalated—Henry is living with Sarah and her kids. This feels like an unusual step, to be honest, but it’s already occurred. He is a part of your family and he rightfully has more questions about his origins, and inventing a fake father isn’t going to satisfy those questions, only produce more.
Also, not for nothing, but he is your son. I know you didn’t intend to have a child but a person exists and his mother is deceased and you are plotting ways of getting rid of him. You’re asking the wrong questions at every step. So what are the right questions? How can you prepare yourself and your family for the news when you deliver it? You will need to be honest with your loved ones. I’d suggest telling the adults first, then the kids, and then tell Henry one-on-one. Each party will have a very different reaction, I imagine, but by being proactive and owning your part in this, you will save everyone involved a lot of hurt. Another question, this one you asked, albeit rhetorically: Can you really be ruined by a mistake you made 30 years ago? No. In this case, the mistake is information, neither malevolent nor benevolent. But you can be ruined by the actions you take in the present if those actions aren’t about setting things right.