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agonyaunt2022-04-25 02:05 pm
r/AmITheAsshole AITA for ordering pizza at a vegetarian wedding?
Question:
I(36m) was a groomsman for my friend Sara's(34F) wedding this past week. I'm only acquaintances with the groom but because I've known Sara for nearly 20 years she wanted me in the party. I'm on medication for anxiety and depression that has to be taken at a certain time of the day and also requires food, so I asked Sara what time the food would be served.
Now this is a vegetarian wedding, I'm not vegetarian but I have no problem not eating meat for a meal especially when it comes to supporting my friend. The only issue I had was when I found out the size of the meals. The entire course consisted of a side salad, a side of corn, and a side of broccoli.. If this were only for a few hours that wouldn't be a problem, but because the wedding party has to arrive before everyone, between the ceremony and shuffling to the reception the whole event was going to be over 8 hours and I knew there was no way a small salad and a few tablespoons of corn and broccoli were going to hold me over(I'm 6'2 185lbs fwiw). When Sara told me what they were serving I said something like, "Oh will there be another entre?" and she immediately got defensive so I hushed myself before causing any further tensions.
Normally I would have been straight forward about all this, but I could see she was already stressed and I didn't want to add to it, so I decided during the reception dinner that I was going to covertly order a pizza, meet the guy outside, and just sneak in and out here and there to grab a few slices from my car. I told my friend this and of course word got around to some of the other party members. Turns out I wasn't the only one who was uncomfortable going so many hours with little food, so by the time I placed the order there were about 12 other people(all from the wedding party) throwing down. I ordered 4 larges and kept them in my car so people could just kind of come and go and grab some whenever they were hungry. Nobody really seemed to notice anything until Sara couldn't find the groom anywhere. She had her mom help her find him and as you can guess she found him out by my car eating pizza..
Well to say she blew up was an understatement. She said I embarrassed her, made her feel cheap, said I only did this because it was a vegetarian wedding(3 of the pizzas had meat on them). I tried to apologize explaining the situation, but she was having none of it. The other party members that were eating the pizza were all silent, I was thrown to the wolves. She told me to leave while her mom stared daggers at me. It's been 4 days and she hasn't responded to me. Her husband did reach out to apologize for all the "confusion" but the majority of her friends(even some who ate the pizza) are telling me I'm an AH and what I did is unforgivable as she'll always remember her wedding as "not being good enough" because of my "stunt". AITA?
Top answer:
Was that ALL the food they served?? In my country, weddings have not one but multiple buffets (charcuterie, breads, sweets, confections, hot dishes….), waiters going around with trays of canapés, cake…
This is so odd. We value abundance here and a person leaving hungry would be the most embarrassing thing ever. If she planned that little food, yes, it’s her fault people wanted to enjoy her event and still be full. NTA !!!! Even tho in normal circumstances it would be very unpolite to order outside food at a reception, I think health and being hungry is a good exception.
People can get severely sick if they don’t eat enough (hi, hypoglycemic here), and it’s not a “vegetarian” problem, it’s a catering planning problem. It’s a long ass event, there’s time in there to fit two meals. Awful not to think about the well-being of her guests.
And people who ate the pizza calling you asshole, hypocrisy much?
OP Clarification:
I'm going to hop on this to reply because unfortunately I'd go over the character limit in the OP. To clear some things the food was from a catering company, but it was not buffet style. We were summoned by table and each person received one plate. The entirety of that plate was the salad, broccoli and corn. The salad was spruced up a bit and the broccoli and corn were prepared and seasoned, but that was literally all each person got for their plate. Cake was served after dinner for every person to get one slice each. I didn't have an issue with the food itself, I just didn't think it would be enough for me because by that point I had not eaten in hours and needed to take my medication. if I don't eat enough food with my meds I get really nauseous and it becomes a bit of a nightmare, unfortunately.
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I think the wife is the bigger asshole by a hand. She's the one who threw a tantrum at her friend of 20 years for needing to eat food. On the wedding day, the husband was presumably just hungry.
(IMO He is also the asshole because he did not veto the 100 calorie wedding dinner during the planning stages--not because he snuck off for a few minutes to get some substantial food.)
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Like. Both assholes!
possibly just as well they skimped on the reception since I don't put good odds on it lastingbut the husband not only presumably could have veto'd the original plan, the husband could also have said, "oh wow we didn't plan well on the food here, let's order something in for the wedding party" at any point, including the minute he was told about the pizzas. Husband appears to be taking no responsibility for anything in this marriage.(It does seem reasonably likely this was the kind of bride who would have reacted so horribly to any attempt on his side to criticize the food that he was afraid, but in that case he's an AH for letting it get to that point.)
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I gotta stick to my guns--impulsively and hungrily sneaking off for filling food even at your own 100 Calorie Dinner wedding is less asshole than throwing a tantrum at your friend of 20 years for needing to eat something other than a side salad and <1 cup of steamed veggies with his meds, let alone in an 8 hour emotionally laborious day.
Agree that both husband and wife are assholes.
However, only one of them threw a tantrum, and that makes Wife the greater asshole of the two at the wedding day pizza incident.
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I don't think you're an asshole. I think you didn't plan well enough for how to deal with your medical need for a meal, and if I knew you IRL we'd have a conversation about that to help you brainstorm. But the whole "you ruined her wedding" framing is ridiculous, IMO.
Does Sara know you have this medical issue? I think the way she freaked out is a bit much but weddings are high-stress, so sometimes Brides become Bridezillas. *sigh* But if she knows you have this medical issue, I thiink she's being the asshole here, and even if she doesn't I don't approve of her level of freakout.
ANyone who had pizza and is criticizing you deserves to be smacked with a bust of Hippocrates (if you get the joke).
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They've been close friends for 20+ years. Presumably they've had to stop an activity so OP could eat and medicate at least once during that timeframe.
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Perinneal WHO DOES THAT? And can wedding as most important day of your life just die already?
I am blown away by the terrible host choices of the 100 Calorie Wedding Dinner. Which assohlery is on the bride and the groom. They made that choice.
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WHAT KIND OF FUCKING CATERING IS THAT? As a vegetarian why are you serving a parody of vegetarian food rather than a filling meal at your wedding? I could come up with five menus for you off the top of my little head.
Also, your friend has a medical need to eat and unless he's been an asshole about your vegetarainism in the past, you have been an asshole to him now and a Bridezilla on top of it. Calm down, fuck your new husband, then have a beer and an apologetic conversation with the LW. Good friends are immensely valuable.
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I KNOW RIGHT?! WHERE IS THE PASTA. There is ALWAYS pasta.
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I mean, should he have done what I do which is fill his bag with sad gluten free snacks to eat discreetly when what's going to be available isn't enough? I guess. But do I wish every time I'm trapped somewhere I can't eat enough food that I could order the food I need and go eat it in my car? Oh hell yes. Lol
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It's one thing to serve the regular guests a not-very-filling meal (though if this wedding lasted that long, *I'd* have gone to the LW's car for some pizza too), but the wedding party who can't leave for eight hours? They need some calories! Pasta, rice, beans!
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Seriously. When I worked at a place that did regular potlucks I usually signed up for the vegan main--im an omnivore, but I'm a damn good cook and I wanted my vegetarian+ coworkers to have something nice to eat.
This was a failure on the hosts (bride and groom), not on the people who needed/wanted to eat a real main dish.
(Seriously not even a baked potato???)
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what you do is you fix a bunch of baked potato toppings. like chives, sour cream, cheese, some nice herby sauteed mushrooms, caramelized onions, a vegan chili, some taco beef, steamed broccoli, salsa -- whatever you think is good on top of a baked potato basically -- and set them out in dishes, and then you make a nice big batch of baked potatoes, and let people fix their own. it's fun! it's delicious!
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Baked potato bar is the best bar
(Could you imagine being the baked potato bar wedding? People would remember it for years)
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Yeah, if she chose the menu for price and now feels bad for being cheap...that is a her problem.
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edit: third reason is possibly money, at which point get your friends involved. I bet everyone in the wedding party would have been happy to chip in, if asked (and that's essentially what they did anyway). I get how people might be embarrassed about that but idk, let your friends support you :(
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Honestly, if it's a money issue then the solution is to cut the guest list by applying the:
"who among our guests has indepently reached out to us in the last 5, 3, 1 years?" test
the "parents+ don't get to invite people unless they personally pay for their guests before the wedding invites out out" test
and the "no relatives more distant than "first cousin" unless they've indepently reached out in the last 6 months test" (Facebook likes and prompted Facebook birthday wishes don't count.)
Like ... My blood family consists of my mom. My chosen family tops out at 17 adults who might make it including one guest who gets a +2 and an additional 3 adults who probably wouldn't make it due to being on another continent. Of those adults there might be up to 4 tagalong children.
I personally do not have a single fuck to give on the topic of "weddings shall traditionally be hijacked to become a family reunion." And I am not particularly moved by the argument that one absolutely must invite their 400 closest friends and family going out 3+ cousinage levels and back to elementary school and there must be a table for the coworker invites.
All that aside, I think this is a Bride is deep in toxic diet culture/orthorexia issue, not a money or a caterer issue.
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If LW made one mistake, it was telling his "friend" about his plan and then letting people stack onto it. He should have ordered one pie, kept it in his car, and wolfed it down alone. Fuck all the other people.
I wish LW a very good new and better social group with actual adults.
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The bride is definitely the asshole here, followed by the groom. Not the OP.
(I will get a pukey migraine and black out if forced fo go too long without food.)
Vegetarianism is a smokescreen here — it is unreasonable to ask adults to go hours without the opportunity to break for an adequate meal.
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What food there was was very tasty, but it wasn't even a snack. It didn't help that the food was coming out on trays carried by waiters, which meant that some people didn't get any - if the tray was emptied by the people closer to the waiter before the people further away from the waiter could get a chance.
As this was at dinner time, a lot of people left the function centre to order and pay for their own food at the cafe/restaurant down stairs.
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But also, yeah, WTF kind of meal was that, WTF kind of husband was that, and WTF kind of friends who ALSO didn't stop to think about what they were doing was that? The only person not an asshole here is the poor pizza delivery person.
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I admit, I cackled out loud.