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agonyaunt2025-05-07 02:58 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2025-05-07 02:58 pm
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: My Fiancé Cut Off His Entire Family. Uh, Red Flag?
content advisory: child abuse, arrant idiocy
Q. Red Flag or Reasonable?: I’m a woman who recently got engaged to my boyfriend of four years, “Mark.” In most areas of life, Mark is a kind, forgiving, considerate, and warm person. The exception is with regard to his blood relations. He is estranged from his family, and whenever he talks about them (rarely), it is with genuine hatred and contempt that I find disconcerting.
For context, his dad was an abusive alcoholic who put Mark in the hospital twice before he left home at 17. His dad hit his mom regularly but never laid a hand on Mark’s sister, who was openly his favorite child. His grandparents apparently knew about it but did not interfere beyond letting Mark stay with them sometimes. Mark cut off contact when he moved and in recent years, has ignored social media messages from his mom and sister begging to reconnect. He showed me the messages in the context of commenting, “Can you believe these people?” He seemed frustrated when I found the messages heart-breaking—both women seem to miss him terribly, though I admit it is bad that his mom is still married to his dad (who she claims is sober now).
I am from an incredibly loving, close-knit family who all love Mark. With news of the wedding, there have been questions about who we’re inviting, and people have asked about Mark’s family. His response is always brisk: “I don’t speak to any of them” and he changes the subject when pressed (only my parents know his history). I’ve tentatively raised the possibility of responding to his mom and sister, or getting in touch with his grandparents—he doesn’t even know if they’re still alive! I’ve told him that while I fully understand cutting off his dad, it seems incredibly harsh to not even give his mom and sister a chance to reconnect—his mom was a victim too, and his sister was only 14 when he left. A lot might have changed! His response is always the same: “I cannot speak to them, and my therapist doesn’t think it would be good for me. There are things you can’t get over.” I find this really troubling, honestly. My parents recently asked if he was sure about not reaching out to any family at all, and were shocked when he bluntly said that “for all intents and purposes” his family is dead to him. Should I consider it a red flag that he can so brutally cut off his entire family like this? I find it hard to imagine cutting off the people who raised me, whatever they did to me. Am I wrong to be so troubled by this? What more should I say to him, either way?
A: You’re not wrong to be troubled but you would be very, very, very wrong to go into a marriage hoping to convince someone to make changes to the way he’s dealing with his abusive childhood. This is a big deal. If you can make peace with Mark’s stance—or at least do a really good job of pretending to—you can go ahead and get married. But if you’re going to continue to be bothered that he isn’t handling things the way you would and fantasize about pressuring him to change his mind, well, that’s the kind of stuff divorces are made of.
Q. Red Flag or Reasonable?: I’m a woman who recently got engaged to my boyfriend of four years, “Mark.” In most areas of life, Mark is a kind, forgiving, considerate, and warm person. The exception is with regard to his blood relations. He is estranged from his family, and whenever he talks about them (rarely), it is with genuine hatred and contempt that I find disconcerting.
For context, his dad was an abusive alcoholic who put Mark in the hospital twice before he left home at 17. His dad hit his mom regularly but never laid a hand on Mark’s sister, who was openly his favorite child. His grandparents apparently knew about it but did not interfere beyond letting Mark stay with them sometimes. Mark cut off contact when he moved and in recent years, has ignored social media messages from his mom and sister begging to reconnect. He showed me the messages in the context of commenting, “Can you believe these people?” He seemed frustrated when I found the messages heart-breaking—both women seem to miss him terribly, though I admit it is bad that his mom is still married to his dad (who she claims is sober now).
I am from an incredibly loving, close-knit family who all love Mark. With news of the wedding, there have been questions about who we’re inviting, and people have asked about Mark’s family. His response is always brisk: “I don’t speak to any of them” and he changes the subject when pressed (only my parents know his history). I’ve tentatively raised the possibility of responding to his mom and sister, or getting in touch with his grandparents—he doesn’t even know if they’re still alive! I’ve told him that while I fully understand cutting off his dad, it seems incredibly harsh to not even give his mom and sister a chance to reconnect—his mom was a victim too, and his sister was only 14 when he left. A lot might have changed! His response is always the same: “I cannot speak to them, and my therapist doesn’t think it would be good for me. There are things you can’t get over.” I find this really troubling, honestly. My parents recently asked if he was sure about not reaching out to any family at all, and were shocked when he bluntly said that “for all intents and purposes” his family is dead to him. Should I consider it a red flag that he can so brutally cut off his entire family like this? I find it hard to imagine cutting off the people who raised me, whatever they did to me. Am I wrong to be so troubled by this? What more should I say to him, either way?
A: You’re not wrong to be troubled but you would be very, very, very wrong to go into a marriage hoping to convince someone to make changes to the way he’s dealing with his abusive childhood. This is a big deal. If you can make peace with Mark’s stance—or at least do a really good job of pretending to—you can go ahead and get married. But if you’re going to continue to be bothered that he isn’t handling things the way you would and fantasize about pressuring him to change his mind, well, that’s the kind of stuff divorces are made of.