Dear Prudence: Dance Avoidance

[blueinkedfrost]

Letter

Dear Prudence,

I’m in a ballroom dance class at my school. There are way more followers than leaders (I’m a follower) so we usually dance with all the leaders once in a while. The problem is, there is one boy in my class I really, really don’t like dancing with, to the point of dreading the class. It’s nothing that he’s done, I’ve just had a traumatic experience some years ago and dancing with him reminds me of it.

I’ve told the teacher and they were very understanding, but it’s been a few weeks and nothing’s changed. I’m very nonconfrontational and I don’t want to seem nagging about it, and besides I’m pretty sure most of the other followers would prefer not to dance with him either (he’s autistic and a lot bigger than anyone else in the class). Like I said before, it’s nothing he’s done, he’s really pretty sweet. I just don’t know what to do.

Response

Under no circumstances should you have to dance with someone who brings up a traumatic experience for you. But if the person has done nothing wrong—and this guy hasn’t—the issue is yours, not his, and the solution is not to ask the teacher to protect you from him but rather to find a way to remove yourself from the class. It would be especially troubling for a kid with autism who deserves to participate as much as anyone else to be left out because the other kids are skeeved out by him. So the path forward is to make a case to the teacher, your parents, and possibly the school counselor that because of your history of trauma, a class that involves physical contact with other students is not right for you and you require a transfer or an alternative way to complete the course requirements.

Comments from Blueinkedfrost

Reading the letter, I initially thought, 'LW shouldn't have to dance with someone they're not comfortable with'. But Prudence made the right point, I think, that if LW excludes the boy then it's likely others in the class will follow suit. Believing LW that the boy has done nothing wrong, it would be cruel to exclude him.

If LW strongly enjoys dancing, I hope LW is able to keep up their hobby in some way. Assuming LW is a girl, LW might be able to ask the teacher for the accommodation of only dancing with other girls (therefore avoiding being the sort of person who asks all the kids in the class but one to their birthday party).