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agonyaunt2022-08-25 01:31 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-08-25 01:31 pm
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Dear Prudence: How Do I Apologize For Bullying Another Student?
Dear Prudence,
I am freshly a senior in high school. Since freshman year, there is a boy whom I will call Eric who continuously got picked on for being a pretty stereotypical high school nerd. He has no pop culture knowledge, is in all advanced classes and has almost a perfect GPA, has no social media or even a phone, and claims to spend all his free time studying. I used to participate in some of this bullying, but it was only because I felt like I needed to so I fit in with my peers. I regret it all dearly, and I’d like to apologize to him … but I have no idea how. We aren’t particularly close, and I can’t text or call. I have awful social anxiety so I’m not sure if I could say it to his face. Should I send a letter or something?
— Too Shy to Make Amends
Dear Too Shy,
It’s great that you’re thinking this way, and I think it’s a great idea to apologize now that you know better and regret your behavior. I also like that you’re trying to think of ways to stop your social anxiety from getting in the way of doing the right thing. A letter is a good choice. But put yourself in Eric’s shoes: Will that apology really mean anything if it’s not paired with something that will make his life a little better? Sure, you’ll stop with the teasing but what else? Are you going to stand up for him when other kids make his life miserable? Can you offer to listen if he ever wants to talk? You’re of course not obligated to do any of this, but it sounds like you care and it sounds like he could use more than “I’m sorry.”
Dear Prudence Uncensored on the letter
AUG 25, 20225:59 AM
This week, Jenée Desmond-Harris and Derreck Johnson discuss a Prudie letter: “Too Shy to Make Amends”
Jenée Desmond-Harris: Derreck, please tell me I gave this high school student good advice. I don’t want to be responsible for messing up anyone’s adolescence.
Derreck Johnson: First of all, I felt a closeness to this entry because our names rhyme.
Jenée: There’s no way were you a nerd in high school though.
Derreck: Yes, I was! I carried a strong B+ average in high school. A lot of honor roll love. Did all my homework. Played role-playing games after school. But I also listened to a ton of hip-hop, loved sneakers, and could draw, so I think that helped me stave off any hardcore bullying.
Jenée: Okay, so a smart nerd, not a socially ostracized nerd. The cool kind of nerd, in other words, not like poor Eric.
Derreck: Correct. But I do feel for him. The way he was treated was not cool.
Jenée: Do you think an apology would help?
Derreck: If I’m in Eric’s shoes—well technically I was in one of those shoes once upon a time—an apology wouldn’t mean much to me in the long run. We don’t even know the severity of the bullying going on. I’m going to assume it was intense enough that it’s weighing on the LW’s mind. I liked how you told the LW that probably more of an effort could work here.
Jenée: Yeah, I mean, an “I’m sorry” paired with staring down three more years of teasing by 99 percent of the other students doesn’t sound that comforting. (But I do think it reflects very well on LW to have this instinct—I should say that!)
Anyway, I don’t want LW to be forced into a friendship they don’t want, but “if you ever want to talk or hang out let me know” paired with standing up for Eric in the future could be really nice.
Life-changing, even? I guess there’s also the distinct possibility that Eric thinks his classmates are dumb and annoying and isn’t interested.
Derreck: Eric is gonna do big things in his life. Not having a social media presence in high school in this day and age is super rare. It would behoove the LW to attempt to get to know him. He may not be open to it, but a light offer wouldn’t hurt at all.
Jenée: Especially when he becomes a Nobel prize winner or something. It would be nice to get the shout out in his acceptance speech, as the one nice high school classmate.
Derreck: The main thing here is that the LW shouldn’t feel like she’s doing this for some good karma to come back her way. There’s something inside of them where they have matured and have seen the error of their ways. Again, reaching out might not yield the response they want, but if is from a place of sincerity, Eric will feel that. It’s ultimately up to him whether he wants to receive that or continue to do Eric. I have a grand total of zero friends from my actual high school and I’m in my 40s now. No regrets.
Jenée: Wow! I just know things will get better for Eric. But for now, yes, LW, write that letter, and more importantly: try to be better in the future, to the many Erics you’ll encounter throughout life. And congratulations for growing out of being a jerk before your friends!
Derreck: Oh, the letter! Nice gesture, but don’t put it in the mail! Hand it to him!
Jenée: That’s a very good tip. Hand it to him—you said you have social anxiety and I get it, but be brave. It’s the least you can do.
Derreck: It also gives the LW time to organize their thoughts and be clear about it.
Jenée: Yep. Well, LW, if this ends in a heartwarming way, feel free to update us!
Re: Dear Prudence Uncensored on the letter
The only good thing the LW can do now is block bullying of "Eric" and other students. Actions speak louder than words. Walking up to "Eric" and apologizing will look like a setup for more bullying: so do not do that. I don't care about your social anxiety, LW. You treated someone like shit and now you can be courteous, quietly friendly (smile! Say hi! that's ALL!), and you can stop others from treating people like shit.
Re: Dear Prudence Uncensored on the letter
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