Dear Abby: Lontime family friend hurt by teen's sulky attitude

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I have had a best friend for more than 20 years. We met when we were 18 and have been inseparable ever since. I was best man in his wedding, and when his first child was born, I traveled six hours to be at the hospital when "Sara" was born. I have never missed a birthday or Christmas.

When my friend announced they were moving from Ohio to Arizona, I knew I couldn't be away from him and his family, so I moved as well. I have no family of my own, and I adore his two girls.

Well, Sara turned 13 this year and like most teenagers, she's distancing herself from her family and even more so from me. When her mom and dad invite me for dinner or a family get-together, she barely acknowledges me when I say hi or ask how she's doing. She wants nothing to do with me. It breaks my heart. I love her and I consider her to be family.

My question is, should I continue to go and support her with her sporting events at school? (I have never missed a game.) Do I continue to shower her with birthday and Christmas gifts?

On one hand, I tell myself this is just a phase she is going through and to change nothing, hoping one day she realizes that I'm her biggest cheerleader and recognizes the love I have for her. On the other hand, I think she's acting like a spoiled brat, and if she doesn't know how to treat people, then I want nothing to do with her. How should I handle this? -- UN-UNCLE IN ARIZONA

DEAR UN-UNCLE: I am sure what you are feeling isn't any different than what Sara's parents are feeling right now. I agree that she is probably going through a phase and "just being a teenager." My advice is to give her some space and hope that when she finally pulls out of it she will recognize how lucky she is to have such a loving un-uncle. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Comments

[cereta]

Taking everything just on the surface, Abby's advice is sound: she's a teenager, probably uncomfortable in her own skin right now. Give her space, continue to be there for dinners and birthdays, etc, and don't take it personally.

Otherwise...you know, I have a best friend who is very much my daughter's aunt, and both she and her parents are family to all of us. So I'm not going to cast aspersions on the LW's closeness with the family. But there is something about this letter that makes me wonder about, say, the parents' perspective on this. If nothing else, "un-uncle" may just be coming on too strong for a kid who is just starting to transition into a more independent phase in her life. I dunno. I absolutely cherish my found family, so I don't know what about this (except maybe the cross-country move) is bothering me. Thoughts?

[likeaduck]

I feel like there's a piece here where maybe the LW feels that because of his close connection to the family (and maybe because he "shower[s] her with birthday and Christmas gifts" and doesn't miss a game) he is entitled to a close connection with 13yo and her positive regard, which...no, and trying to force that because it's "how you treat people" is a really good way to teach her you don't respect her individuality, autonomy, and right to set boundaries and choose her own friends. Which would not endear the LW to me or to a lot of the folks I know, 13 or not.

Giving her space is a good start, but there's more that needs to happen to relate to her as a person and show one will respect her modes of engaging or not engaging.

[likeaduck]

Like, chosen family for the win, but part of that has to be letting this kid choose you back! Lots of kids are automatically opted into lots of stuff by their parents and 13 is a super common age to start testing whether those are things you will want to opt into, and being able to opt out is super super important to feeling good about opting in.

Plus, if you don't have the kind of relationship where you can ask the 13yo in question what's up and have her feel comfortable giving you some sort of answer...maybe you don't have as great a relationship as you think?

[cereta]

Honestly, I wonder if it's even occurred to him to ask, or if he's got a sort of syllogism operating where IF I do these things, THEN she should react this way, which doesn't take into account her feelings at all. Heck, kids her age are just as likely to be embarrassed by a cheerleader in the stands as they are to appreciate it. Which may not be very gracious, but...thirteen, you know?

[kiezh]

Yeah, I think she's not a person to him, she's a character in his psychodrama. Her not engaging with him when he visits her parents is somehow this... referendum on whether or not he has the family he wants? Or something?

That "I want nothing to do with her" is super creepy. Like, he literally said that his love and support is completely conditional on her performing happiness to see him to his satisfaction. That's not how a loving adult should talk about a kid in their (chosen or otherwise) family.

(What if she's going through her own shit, and has no energy left over for dealing with adults? What if she's being bullied, or confused/upset by the changes of puberty, or worried about the state of the world and doesn't know how to talk about it? There are a lot of possible reasons for a kid to not be performing excitement/enthusiasm for family adults, and the fact that he goes straight to "spoiled brat" without even a thought to what she might be going through... ugh.)

[cereta]

I think you've put your finger on what's bothering me. It kind of reminds me of One Hour Photo, obviously not as extreme, but with a similar idea. He's thrown so much of himself (moved across the country!) in this idea of this family and his role in it, but when the reality of them as flawed human beings with lives beyond the time they spend with him interferes with that idea, he doesn't know how to deal. He's basically flipping: while they were perfect, they were everything to him, and now that one of them is not, she's nothing to him.

[redbird]

Yes. I have a nephew by choice, but he's the one who said "that makes you my aunt" (and then immediately argued that this meant I should send him money for Christmas, like the aunt he already had), rather than it being his idea first. I don't hear from him much these days, but he's 25, and mostly busy with his work and friends, not his parents or other family.

[xenacryst]

I'm wondering about who he's talked to as well. Has he had a talk with the kid? Actually, my first question was has he talked with the parents? In the entire letter, his friend and his friend's family are mostly passive objects of his feelings and I haven't gotten much impression that they are actually real, living, independent people who might, yanno, have some thoughts on the matter ... or, well, anything LW does at all. Other than inviting him to a lot of things, which, sure, is something, but there's a whole lot of nuance that is missing there.

[vass]

Yes, this.

[shirou]

The LW comes across as needy and intrusive. He should back off, not only for the girl's sake, but for his own as well. It sounds like his life is far too wrapped up in his friend's family, which he cannot force his way into no matter how many games he attends.

[jadelennox]

1. Yeah, this. Following them across the country is...well, I note that he doesn't say what his friend feels about this, and his friend was certainly willing to move away from the LW!

2. 13 years old is old enough to start setting guidelines with actual family, let alone family-that-chose-you -- which I distinguish from chosen family. I'm a pseudo-aunt to my friend's kids, but the older they get, the more I let them set the terms of the arrangement.

3. I know letters are edited for length, so maybe something was cut, but I am deeply suspicious of a grown man who doesn't realize how incredibly creepy it might vibe to attend every single one of an unrelated 13-year-old girl's sporting events.

[kiezh]

He is being extremely judgemental and projecting a lot of emotional stuff on a 13-year-old child he claims to love. "Spoiled brat"? Someone who talks about her like that is not her friend. Frankly, she might be refusing to engage with him precisely because he puts out the vibe that he's entitled to her attention and affection.

He wants "nothing to do with her" if she doesn't give him the affection-cookies he wants? Who's the adult and who's the kid, here? My advice (which seems to always be my advice to these LWs, heh) would be for him to do some soul-searching about why he has so much riding on whether or not someone else's kid wants to hang out with him.

[jadelennox]

This.