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agonyaunt2020-12-09 11:42 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-12-09 11:42 am
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: "In-Law Unit Help"
(That is a totally non-indicative title, but I can't come up with a proper one either.)
My son is at college and his former high school boyfriend, “Max,” still has a year to go before graduation. They broke up but are still friends. Max lives nearby. Max has had it hard because of his new stepmother, “Nadine” (she isn’t actually married to Max’s father but she introduces herself that way). Nadine has two boys herself, 10 and 12. They are destructive, no other word for it. Back in the spring, there was a neighborhood block party where one of the boys lost a game on his Switch, got frustrated, and threw it on the ground. It broke. He screamed his head off for his mother to “fix it.” Nadine made Max go into the house and give his own Switch to her son. Then she made a comment about how awful it was to have a stepson who was an only child because he never learned how to share. Max’s father is fairly useless and his mother is moving now.
Max has asked if he can “rent” our basement to store his consoles, games, and computer stuff and use them in peace. It has a separate entry and a different lock. Both my son and daughter used it as a private area until they went off to college. My son is for it and told me that Max has a pretty expensive collection, and that Nadine will let her sons destroy everything. My husband and I are fond of Max but my husband thinks it is “overstepping” to have Max in our basement all the time and we would be going over his parents’ heads.
Max has one more semester of high school. He is a sweet boy, but I don’t want to have a feud going with Nadine—she seems the type and it looks like she and her sons have moved in for the long haul. What should we do?
A: If this were a case of Max’s physical safety or emotional well-being and he needed a place to stay, I’d encourage you to give him the basement (without charging rent). But since this is a question of his (admittedly important to him!) possessions, in your position, I would encourage him to rent a small storage unit or get a safe/lockbox he can use in his own room until he can leave for college. This is frustrating (and will probably damage Max’s relationship with his father in the long run, if he continues to look the other way), but not an emergency, so if you want to avoid an unnecessary feud with Nadine, that’s probably the best way forward. That said, if he wants to keep a few things at your house for five months, it doesn’t sound like it will inconvenience you much. You’re not using the space now, and he won’t be filling it to capacity with old office equipment. But if things do escalate, you might want to consider offering Max the occasional place to crash. At some point a light feud might become inevitable, so consider at what point you might be willing to accept conflict with Nadine as a necessary evil. That doesn’t mean you have to go announce anything to her, or go looking for trouble, but be ready should trouble turn up on your doorstep, demanding everyone hand over their computers for her sons to destroy.
My son is at college and his former high school boyfriend, “Max,” still has a year to go before graduation. They broke up but are still friends. Max lives nearby. Max has had it hard because of his new stepmother, “Nadine” (she isn’t actually married to Max’s father but she introduces herself that way). Nadine has two boys herself, 10 and 12. They are destructive, no other word for it. Back in the spring, there was a neighborhood block party where one of the boys lost a game on his Switch, got frustrated, and threw it on the ground. It broke. He screamed his head off for his mother to “fix it.” Nadine made Max go into the house and give his own Switch to her son. Then she made a comment about how awful it was to have a stepson who was an only child because he never learned how to share. Max’s father is fairly useless and his mother is moving now.
Max has asked if he can “rent” our basement to store his consoles, games, and computer stuff and use them in peace. It has a separate entry and a different lock. Both my son and daughter used it as a private area until they went off to college. My son is for it and told me that Max has a pretty expensive collection, and that Nadine will let her sons destroy everything. My husband and I are fond of Max but my husband thinks it is “overstepping” to have Max in our basement all the time and we would be going over his parents’ heads.
Max has one more semester of high school. He is a sweet boy, but I don’t want to have a feud going with Nadine—she seems the type and it looks like she and her sons have moved in for the long haul. What should we do?
A: If this were a case of Max’s physical safety or emotional well-being and he needed a place to stay, I’d encourage you to give him the basement (without charging rent). But since this is a question of his (admittedly important to him!) possessions, in your position, I would encourage him to rent a small storage unit or get a safe/lockbox he can use in his own room until he can leave for college. This is frustrating (and will probably damage Max’s relationship with his father in the long run, if he continues to look the other way), but not an emergency, so if you want to avoid an unnecessary feud with Nadine, that’s probably the best way forward. That said, if he wants to keep a few things at your house for five months, it doesn’t sound like it will inconvenience you much. You’re not using the space now, and he won’t be filling it to capacity with old office equipment. But if things do escalate, you might want to consider offering Max the occasional place to crash. At some point a light feud might become inevitable, so consider at what point you might be willing to accept conflict with Nadine as a necessary evil. That doesn’t mean you have to go announce anything to her, or go looking for trouble, but be ready should trouble turn up on your doorstep, demanding everyone hand over their computers for her sons to destroy.
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Besides if Max gets a lockbox in his room Nadine will just demand the key and remove the contents.
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I would be offering the basement and gearing up to handle any "feud" Nadine wants to bring.
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Come to think of it, he might be too young to get a storage unit. The rules probably vary by state.
But why make a federal case out of this? It's a minor ask, and it's not getting in to the interpersonal drama to just fulfill it.
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I hope the kid has other friends whose parents are more help to him than LW.
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Egads. Absolutely let the kid store stuff there and hang out.
Destruction of property is one of the warning signs for physical and emotional abuse, and you shouldn't require him to prove it before giving him this respite.
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I'm also curious as to what their son would think about this arrangement. While they're cordial exes, its still his ex. There's probably some residual ~ emotions ~ there, so I think he should have a say too.
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*Differentiating this from a parent taking them for specific reasons like "you are not getting your schoolwork done because you're constantly checking your phone."