Dear Prudence: my neighbor's teenager iis having sex

[cereta]

Q. Neighbor’s Teenage Daughter Has Boyfriend Over: I live in a condo next door to a widow with a 16-year-old daughter. This family and I have been friends for a long time, and we get along well and have never had any problems. I’ve been home due to recovering from surgery, and one afternoon after school, I saw the daughter and her boyfriend go into the condo when the mother wasn’t there. I also heard what sounded like loud sex going on in the room on the other side of my home office wall. I brought this to the mother’s attention, and she said she knew about it but would tell them to be quiet. When I asked her why she allowed this, she said she’d rather they be in a safe, comfortable place and have protection than to be sneaking around in parked cars and such. I was absolutely appalled by this and wonder if I can still be friends with these people or if I should call the police, since both of these kids are underage (both 16). Should I turn them in or just turn a blind eye to it?

A: Please give me your address, so I can head over to your house to take away your phone. You need to make a quick recovery and stop snooping on this family. What you heard was loud, mutually desired sex. This was confirmed to you by the mother of the girl. Now that you know that you are next door to two horny teenagers, you have to get out of the business of trying to ruin young people’s lives. If you called the police, I would sincerely hope they would back away once they figured out what was going on. But who knows? We do not need more innocent young people put through the criminal justice system and ending up on the sex offender registry. It’s fine if you no longer wish to be friends with this widow and her daughter, but please just decide to mind your own business and not destroy anyone’s life.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

When even Prudie gets it...

(Part of my reaction is that the mother knows, which means that she's hopefully keeping an eye on her daughter's mental state, and also that the kids are 16 and not, say, 12. At any rate, I agree that involving the police would do nothing good.)

[delight]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that if they are both 16, it's not illegal. I know it varies depending on location, but both kids being 16 it's unusual there'd be any prosecution. If they were under 14, or one was under 16 and the other one was older, that I've seen. Two 16 year olds isn't unsafe or unhealthy if the relationship itself is safe and healthy, which we have to assume it is.

[vass]

I think at that age, in the places where it is illegal, it starts getting applied inconsistently, on the basis of who the families are and what they think, who the prosecutor is and what their biases are, and what genders and races the couple are. :(

[vass]

Agreed. If her daughter trusts her and doesn't have to keep secrets from her already, then she's more likely to tell her about problems.

And since she's being reasonable about the sex instead of saying NO NO NO YOU MUST REMAIN A VIRGIN UNTIL YOU ARE THIRTY AND MARRIED, her daughter's more likely to listen to her about the real concerns, like consent, and STI/pregnancy prevention, and not taking photos/video, and communicating clearly and treating each other well, and how it's okay to break up with someone for any reason at all.

[cereta]

Okay, beyond the pearl-clutching: what exactly does the neighbor think will happen if she involves the police? She mentions them being underage, so she clearly thinks something illegal is going on (which there probably isn't, but that's somewhat beside the point). So one of three possibilities present themselves.

1. Her ideas about how the police might handle this are incredibly outdated, and she thinks maybe they'll get sent before a judge who will scare them or something similar.

2. She does know about what happens to sex offenders (and again, believes that's what these kids are) and thinks they deserve to be on the sex registry for being such bad children, I dunno.

3. The pearl-clutching depriving her brain of oxygen and she's just not thinking this through. I vote for this one.

[sathari]

Yeah, I think you're right about it being choice three: LW's just not thinking sense about the situation at all.

I JUST. Both kids are sixteen, that is straight-up legal-age-of-consent in a lot of places and if they're both the same age likely to be legal-for-same-age in a lot of others. (Tempted to pull up a list of age-of-consent-by-nation/state/province/etc. but even the minor googlesearch involved really seems like more work than is called for by this one.)

[recessional]

Cheers to the girl's mother, though. That is a very healthy attitude, A+ parenting, well done.

[sathari]

WORD WORD WORD.

[vass]

Yes, this.

[kouredios]

I had to go double check and see if Mallory Ortberg had taken over yet for this one, but apparently not. So, good one Emily Yoffe? Surprisingly good answer.