Social Q's: I Can't Keep Going To Church

[minoanmiss]

I am 17. Since I was a baby, my mother has taken me to church with her on Sunday mornings. Recently, I’ve felt less religious and less interested in going than I used to. But when I bring this up with her, it always ends in a screaming match (especially on Sunday mornings). She believes I must go. We get along fairly well otherwise. Is there a better way to broach this subject, or should I simply endure the weekly ritual until I go to college?

SARA

In one of the great understatements in (boxing) history, Floyd Mayweather Jr. once said, “Self-preservation is an important thing to me.” So it should be to all of us. You are probably financially dependent on your mother — and will be, to some extent, when you go to college. Nothing in your letter suggests a dire backdrop, but many young people are cut off by their parents for warring over hot topics such as religion or sexuality. Keep that (and your best interests) in mind.

I applaud your mom for wanting a regular spiritual component in your life. But that needn’t be church (in my irrelevant opinion) for one disinclined and on the cusp of adulthood. Suggest a weekly commitment to serving those in need — at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter, maybe — in lieu of church. She may go for a switcheroo with a moral and compassionate flavor. (Or she may want you sitting in the pew next to her.) Bring it up quietly at dinner some Tuesday night and see how it goes.

Comments

[lunabee34]

I can't imagine that someone who screams at their child for not wanting to go to church would be satisfied with a philanthropic practice instead. My parents wouldn't have been. I think LW is going to have to endure until college.

[mommy]

I agree with the advice to remember self-preservation, but not the advice to provide alternatives to church. A mother who would accept alternatives is probably not the kind of mother who would enter screaming matches over church attendance.

[tielan]

Yeah, I'd go with 'endure the weekly ritual' and don't try 'how about an alternative'. This mother is not interested in compromise.

[minoanmiss]

This hits me where I live. I wish I could take LW out for dinner and talk to them about how self-preservation isn't hypocrisy and how I handled this. (Endure church until I could financially disengage, then run like hell.)

I'm really glad the columnist touched on safety. And I really hope there are trustworthy adults in LW's life . I'm trying not to extrapolate too much from my life, but that mom does not sound safe.

[kiezh]

I applaud your mom for wanting a regular spiritual component in your life.

*boggles*

That... is not a mother who cares about her child's spiritual life. You know what a mother who cares about her child's spiritual life would do? Ask questions. What's not filling their needs about the church? What's alienating about it? Is there some other religion-related activity that they could start doing that would rekindle a connection to their church's community or theology? (Assuming a person of good will who sincerely believes that their religion is good and nourishing and wants their kid to have access to that.)

Screaming at her kid because they're not jumping through the social hoops she demands? Says the mom doesn't give a single shit about the kid's actual inner life. Just the right social performance.

In which case... probably the safest path with least parental awfulness is to give the social performance while living with her. Personally that kind of sticks in my craw and I'd be more likely to pick a theological fight about the worth of attending services grudgingly and under duress.

But safety first. :/

[cereta]

Yeah, I'm thinking your best best it to suck it up and deal until college. You don't mention any major theological/philosophical breaks with your church, just that you don't feel as religious as you used to. My mom dragged us to church every week until we left for college, but she had invested a lot in raising us Catholic, not the least of which was converting herself after my dad died.

When time, maturity, and distance have provided perspective, maybe the two of you can talk faith. In the meantime, hang in there.

[adrian_turtle]

The only alternatives I can imagine working would be those *connected* to the church. Do they have some kind of nursery? Can the teen help out? (Not all of us will sleep, but all of us will be changed.) That reassures the mom that the teen isn't just being lazy and wanting to sleep in on Sunday. It reassures the mom and her church friends that the mom is being properly diligent and not letting her teen slack off.

But less interested in going isn't "flinches from it," and it may only be for another 6 months.

[minoanmiss]

" (Not all of us will sleep, but all of us will be changed.)"

giggles endlessly