Dear Care & Feeding: The Social Justice Wars Have Come Home

[minoanmiss]

My 16-year-old daughter, like many other teens, spent a lot of her time during the pandemic on social media. She and her friend group have become much more active around social justice issues, following activists on Instagram and organizing protests/actions in our city. In general I’m proud she’s expanding her worldview and taking action. However, it seems that many of the activists she follows are very “pro-canceling” and she’s taken this to heart. We can’t decide on a movie as a family, go shopping at the mall, or go to a park without my daughter railing against a brand/person/company that the rest of the family was excited about—even though (if I’m being honest) she usually hasn’t done the research, and is just repeating what she saw on Instagram.

Recently a movie came out that we were all excited to see. We counted down, sang the songs together, and looked forward to the movie as a bright spot amidst a hard year. We saw it on opening night and really enjoyed the time spent together at the theater—our first time since before the pandemic. We loved it. The next day, my oldest shut us down at the dinner table by saying the director was “canceled” for not casting enough darker-skinned actors in the movie. She said by supporting the movie, we were showing our colorism. My younger daughters were immediately deflated. Now the mood around the house is strained and tense. It seems like my daughter has an extremely, extremely high bar for what can pass her test, and it’s honestly a huge bummer to be constantly tiptoeing around her, unsure whether a celebrity we’re about to praise has actually done something cancel-worthy, and we just didn’t realize it yet.

I am honestly trying to find the line between genuinely enjoying activities and experiences for what they are, versus being honest about what’s problematic in our society. I know this is an important part of my daughter’s identity formation. But sometimes, I just want us all to be able to be into something, you know? Being around someone who’s constantly critical and negative has made it hard to genuinely enjoy my daughter’s company. Am I out of line if I ask her to tone it down? How can I encourage her to continue this developing awareness while still reminding her not to yuck our yum all the time?

—Mom of a New Activist

Dear MoaNA,

Your daughter’s newfound interest in justice will eventually lead her to realize that “cancellation” without any path towards redemption only replicates the carceral logic of the cis white patriarchal system. But until then, yeah, yikes, that sounds incredibly annoying. I don’t think there’s anything to be gained by telling her to tone it down. As eye-rolling as her tone might be, you are still obligated to approach these conversations with a saintly amount of patience and open-mindedness. She also might be swayed by the idea that she can enjoy art made by problematic artists as a form of resistance: they shouldn’t be allowed to take their art away from us, on top of everything else.

Putting the fascinating and ever-evolving debate around art, power, and justice aside for a moment, though, I’m wondering whether you might need to adjust your expectations of family time. Your daughter is sixteen! It’s not realistic to expect her to want to watch the same movies or go on the same outings as your younger daughters. She’s growing up, working to differentiate herself from her parents and her siblings, and as you probably remember from your own teen years, this is a phase that’s marked by conflict and strong emotions. Give her space and let her do her own thing, while making sure she knows she has the option to join you for whatever portion of family time that genuinely appeals to her. It might just be easier for her to say a director is canceled than to consciously grapple with the larger issue, which is that she’s on her way out of the nest. Stay open and forgiving, and hopefully she can start hanging out with peers and yuck their yums instead of yours.