Dear Abby: Teen in a rut

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My life is boring, repetitive and I am often depressed. I have trouble talking to others, which makes things harder. Every day is the same: Get up, go to a long day of school, come home, do homework, play video games, draw, go to bed.

The weekends aren't much better. My family never does anything, we never go anywhere. I don't have friends (the one I'd consider hanging out with is always busy), and at 15, I can't drive anywhere, get a job or do anything on my own for another year. I have never kissed, dated or even had a crush on anyone (I'm not sure why, it's not like I'm gay or too embarrassed), so I haven't got much to talk about with my peers anyway.

I'm alone. I'm not popular, I'm a complete nerd and I'm afraid to tell others what I enjoy. If I tell anyone I like video games and Dungeons and Dragons, I know I'll be mocked for the next few years of my life.

I'm pretty smart and I do well in school, but I'm not good at much else. My social skills are borderline nonexistent. My entire life is school. I just want some attention, some friends, something to do with my life. I need help, some advice, something, anything! -- BORING LIFE IN WISCONSIN

DEAR BORING LIFE: Having never met you, I can't surmise why you have difficulty interacting with others. However, there is nothing wrong with playing video games unless you substitute them for real-life experiences.

Surely, there are activities at your school that you could join that would give you more contact with your peers -- sports and special interest clubs, such as art, come immediately to mind. If your family belongs to a church, there may be a youth group that would welcome you.

If you need suggestions for finding an activity at school that might be a good "fit," talk to a counselor there. Explain how depressed and isolated you're feeling and ask for help. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

And remember, things will change when you turn 16 and can drive and work.

Comments

[cereta]

First, I'm going to fall over and faint that Abby said something positive about video games.

Second, I wouldn't necessarily expect a mainstream advice columnist to know how a nerd-type might find his people, but I do kind of want to give the kid an awkward pat on the shoulder and say, "There are others like you! You can have companionship without changing everything about yourself!", and then send him the bus route to the nearest gaming store.

[xenacryst]

Abby's response struck me as a decent start, but still kind of tepid. Getting out to find other people is good, but there are lots more venues than Abby mentions, and it seems like this person might be having trouble even thinking up options. Also, heck, just getting outside and doing something - hiking? gardening? LARPing? - could do wonders. And finally, Abby kinda glosses over the possibility that this person's depression could turn worse. Yes, they reached out to Abby, but... There are more resources for the dangerously depressed than the school nurse, and those should be mentioned.

[rustica]

Yes, I thought the reply was lacking too. I think this person is in a difficult position without transport and maybe without money as well to join things, and without a family to help them be sociable. I don't have any advice either, but I do appreciate their situation is a very hard one to solve.

[jadelennox]

Yeah, a good columnist would say "and you should see a therapist, and here's some advice about what to do if your parents disagree."

Which is probably "check this link on Scarleteen," let's be honest.

[kaberett]

(... huh, I assumed female letter writer, but actually gender neutral.)

Would've been nice if Abby had also done "nothing wrong with being queer", but ah well.

[torachan]

The thing that trips me up is since when do video games get you laughed at??? Not when I was a kid and they're even more mainstream now...

[cereta]

That sort of raised my eyebrow, too.

[minoanmiss]

Maybe in the LW's high school things are still that retrograde, or maybe LW is worrying for nothing -- God knows when I was 15 I worried for nothing like it was going out of style.

[korafox]

I think I would also have added advice to use the marvelous modern miracle of the internet to reach out to people with similar interests. At the very least, there are places on the internet that can help prove to the LW that they are in no way alone in their likes.

[neotoma]

About the never dated/had a crush -- the kid may be asexual or aromantic or both, and it's not like that's covered in sex-ed even in places that aren't abstinence-only.

I'd definitely be suggesting that the teen look on-line for meat-space activities and meet-ups in their neighborhood. Admittedly, it's easier to do in walkable communities with good transit, but if there a local sports league, community service organization, or social activities club, even if it's not their first interest, it's a way to meet people and find out about other event/groups through the grapevine.