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agonyaunt2019-01-31 11:29 am
fairestcat) wrote in agonyaunt2019-01-31 11:29 am
Entry tags:
¡Hola Papi!: My Partner Keeps Stealing My Clothes?
¡Hola Papi!
My partner loves to wear my clothes, but because I am a couple sizes larger than them, it doesn't work the other way around. This hasn't really been a problem in the past, but we've been making a little more money now and I've been buying nicer clothes when I can, whereas they hate shopping and never buy anything.
Since we've been together for nearly four years and living together for over two, they feel pretty comfortable throwing on my clothes (and shoes! we're the same size) and heading out into the world to stain my shirts and leave my jackets at their office for weeks on end. Even when there's no wreckage, it's super annoying to do my laundry and then find out I can't wear whatever shirt I wanted to wear that day because they already wore it and it's dirty, or left it at a friend's house, or straight up lost it.
I've asked them to stop several times, which works for a little while, but they wake up and get dressed after I leave for work so they can be sneaky about it. We live in a super-small apartment with one shared closet, so separating our clothes completely isn't really an option. I love my partner dearly and am not really anticipating ending our relationship over this, but it's driving me nuts. What can I say or do to get through to them?
Signed,
In the Closet (Guarding My Stuff)
Oh, Closet. Can I confess something to you? I’m giddy over this letter because while it’s fun to dole out wisdom on the nuances of gender identity and Grindr mishaps, it can be nice to visit a good old fashioned advice columnist mainstay: How do I get this person to stop touching my shit?
So much of life is about getting people to not touch your shit, be it of the emotional or physical variety. It seems like it ought to be a straightforward matter with a simple solution, doesn’t it? “That stuff is mine, and I would rather you not put your hands on it without asking me please.” And yet, dear reader. And yet!
Of course, it’s (usually) not really about the “stuff.” I don’t doubt that you’re a style icon, Closet. I’m one myself. People wanting our clothes is just a cross we have to bear with dignity and grace. But your pink felt 10-gallon cowboy hat going missing for a day is a dilemma that pales in comparison to the larger one at hand: Your boundaries are being disrespected. That’s a major no-no in any relationship.
So while I’m glad that you love your partner and you don’t foresee this being a relationship-ending debacle (I don’t either), I would still like to take this problem outside the language of “material possessions” and into the language of “consent.” Don’t freak out! I know that’s a heavy word with a lot of serious implications, but what I’m talking about here is the very basic concept of permission. Acquiescence. Compromise. Approval. You know. The things that keep a relationship healthy and running smoothly.
If you take the clothes out of the equation, this could be about anything. The core of the matter, what bugs me, is the fact that you’ve already asked your partner multiple times to stop doing this and they haven’t respected that. I think framing the situation to your partner in this way would be a good, vital step in getting them to take it more seriously.
If it were me, I’d probably say something like: “Hey, so we’ve discussed you asking for permission before wearing my clothes before, but things are still going missing. Aside from this being inconvenient for me, as there are times when something I was planning to wear is dirty or MIA, it upsets me because it feels like you’re disrespecting my boundaries. I realize it may not seem like a big deal, but can we talk about this together?”
In other words, you should convey to your partner why this issue is important to you. Because, well, it is important. And if they’re invested in your wellbeing and in your relationship, they’ll work with you by not taking your stuff without asking first. If they continue their behavior after you’ve conveyed that this is something that’s legitimately bothering you, then that strikes at a much deeper, more troubling problem that goes well beyond wardrobe wars.
I’m rooting for the two of you, Closet! I hope this gets worked out, and hey, maybe with your new funds the two of you can go shopping together or something, since they obviously like your style. Make a day of it! Point them to a ridiculous hat! Swear to them that the hat is fashion and a must-have accessory. Become a style influencer online. Make so much money. Oppress those who dare speak out against your superior aesthetic. Become Jenna Rink from 13 Going On 30, a ruthless fashion editor willing to backstab anyone and everyone to get ahead*.* Realize you loved Mark Ruffalo all along. Mourn your choices.
There it is! That’s my advice.
Love,
Papi
(Can we get a ¡Hola Papi! tag?)
My partner loves to wear my clothes, but because I am a couple sizes larger than them, it doesn't work the other way around. This hasn't really been a problem in the past, but we've been making a little more money now and I've been buying nicer clothes when I can, whereas they hate shopping and never buy anything.
Since we've been together for nearly four years and living together for over two, they feel pretty comfortable throwing on my clothes (and shoes! we're the same size) and heading out into the world to stain my shirts and leave my jackets at their office for weeks on end. Even when there's no wreckage, it's super annoying to do my laundry and then find out I can't wear whatever shirt I wanted to wear that day because they already wore it and it's dirty, or left it at a friend's house, or straight up lost it.
I've asked them to stop several times, which works for a little while, but they wake up and get dressed after I leave for work so they can be sneaky about it. We live in a super-small apartment with one shared closet, so separating our clothes completely isn't really an option. I love my partner dearly and am not really anticipating ending our relationship over this, but it's driving me nuts. What can I say or do to get through to them?
Signed,
In the Closet (Guarding My Stuff)
Oh, Closet. Can I confess something to you? I’m giddy over this letter because while it’s fun to dole out wisdom on the nuances of gender identity and Grindr mishaps, it can be nice to visit a good old fashioned advice columnist mainstay: How do I get this person to stop touching my shit?
So much of life is about getting people to not touch your shit, be it of the emotional or physical variety. It seems like it ought to be a straightforward matter with a simple solution, doesn’t it? “That stuff is mine, and I would rather you not put your hands on it without asking me please.” And yet, dear reader. And yet!
Of course, it’s (usually) not really about the “stuff.” I don’t doubt that you’re a style icon, Closet. I’m one myself. People wanting our clothes is just a cross we have to bear with dignity and grace. But your pink felt 10-gallon cowboy hat going missing for a day is a dilemma that pales in comparison to the larger one at hand: Your boundaries are being disrespected. That’s a major no-no in any relationship.
So while I’m glad that you love your partner and you don’t foresee this being a relationship-ending debacle (I don’t either), I would still like to take this problem outside the language of “material possessions” and into the language of “consent.” Don’t freak out! I know that’s a heavy word with a lot of serious implications, but what I’m talking about here is the very basic concept of permission. Acquiescence. Compromise. Approval. You know. The things that keep a relationship healthy and running smoothly.
If you take the clothes out of the equation, this could be about anything. The core of the matter, what bugs me, is the fact that you’ve already asked your partner multiple times to stop doing this and they haven’t respected that. I think framing the situation to your partner in this way would be a good, vital step in getting them to take it more seriously.
If it were me, I’d probably say something like: “Hey, so we’ve discussed you asking for permission before wearing my clothes before, but things are still going missing. Aside from this being inconvenient for me, as there are times when something I was planning to wear is dirty or MIA, it upsets me because it feels like you’re disrespecting my boundaries. I realize it may not seem like a big deal, but can we talk about this together?”
In other words, you should convey to your partner why this issue is important to you. Because, well, it is important. And if they’re invested in your wellbeing and in your relationship, they’ll work with you by not taking your stuff without asking first. If they continue their behavior after you’ve conveyed that this is something that’s legitimately bothering you, then that strikes at a much deeper, more troubling problem that goes well beyond wardrobe wars.
I’m rooting for the two of you, Closet! I hope this gets worked out, and hey, maybe with your new funds the two of you can go shopping together or something, since they obviously like your style. Make a day of it! Point them to a ridiculous hat! Swear to them that the hat is fashion and a must-have accessory. Become a style influencer online. Make so much money. Oppress those who dare speak out against your superior aesthetic. Become Jenna Rink from 13 Going On 30, a ruthless fashion editor willing to backstab anyone and everyone to get ahead*.* Realize you loved Mark Ruffalo all along. Mourn your choices.
There it is! That’s my advice.
Love,
Papi
(Can we get a ¡Hola Papi! tag?)
no subject
Also, boundaries, boundaries, OMG BOUNDARIES.
My wife and I love to steal each other's clothing sometimes, especially that comfy shirt that we particularly identify with the other person. It's something that brings us both joy. But if it was making only one of us happy? I would cut that shit out so fast! I'd be sad, because I love both walking around with a little bit of her, and seeing her wearing a little bit of me, but my sad would not be an acceptable reason to violate her boundaries.
no subject
AAAAARGH I can feel my whole body cringing. I've had some very unpleasant experiences with feeling like nothing I owned was safe because I could not trust people I lived with to KEEP THEIR HANDS OFF MY STUFF, so this is a button-pusher for me in a way it might not be for LW, but frankly, I would go nuclear. That 'sneakily messing with your stuff when you're not there to stop them' bullshit is in no way innocent.
It is absolutely about consent, and respect, and the safety and security of one's own home. It is worth making a big stink about. Accept no gaslighting or minimizing.
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I mean, at the time, I would have moments like "But now I have to wear either a lighter scarf or a heavier one!" or "But I don't WANT to wear the grey hat, I wanted the black one!" But they weren't upsetting enough to want to have a serious conversation about, or even to solemnly ask her to stop doing it (I did complain about the frequency and tell her the sneakers were mine sometimes).
Ultimately, I just bought myself a new lightweight scarf and her a new hat and made her pay for them, which was easier and faster than having a debate about it. At one point we bought a big men's flannel shirt that fit both of us but she liked it so much she wore it nearly every day, and I wanted to get to wear it more, so I just made it my business to provide her with more of them to free it up some of the time.
This didn't work with a pair of sneakers that I got on clearance, but since I had plenty of pairs of sneakers, wearing a different pair was always at worst a minor inconvenience.
If the issue really is boundaries and not scarcity of the objects, then yeah, they need to have a talk with their partner, because having a mismatch on an issue like that doesn't get better on its own. But if the issue is that you can't find the clothes you want, I would probably just buy two of everything (given that the money isn't the issue).
no subject
It's worth having a sit-down conversation but like Papi says -- the partner not listening is a sign of a "deeper, more troubling problem" and if it keeps happening even after you sit down and talk? I'd be out of there with my clothes in tow. Someone who can't respect very small, easy to follow boundaries is probably not going to be great at following boundaries about bigger things and I wouldn't want to stick around to find out whether that's true.
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People are going to have different boundaries on this issue and that's okay. What's not okay is completely ignoring your partner's boundaries after they've talked to you about it.
For me, personally - I don't have a huge amount of clothes, and what I do have I mostly like. I look forward to wearing a lot of it! I also tend to spend money on a few higher-quality items that I wear frequently and intend to have for a long time, instead of a lot of cheaper, lower-quality items I can rotate in and out.
I would be pissed off if my partner was taking my clothes and ruining or misplacing them, because first of all if you borrow someone's stuff you're respectful of it, not careless.
I would be pissed off that my partner was making me do their work of finding nice items to wear. I don't like shopping and do it when I need something rather than for fun. Making me go through the hassle of replacing items is not nice. Do your own shopping. Shopping for you is not my job.
I would be super pissed off if they continued to do this after I told them to stop, because HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
no subject
Yeah, that was the bit that got me. Borrowing is one thing (although stop when asked to), but treating someone's belongings as worthless (ruining them, misplacing them, not washing them, etc) is awful. And doing this to someone one claims to love is beyond the pale.