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Grandparents
1. Hello, Carolyn: My stepdaughter won’t allow me to see her children, 6 and 8. I bent over backward for 11 years trying to be supportive and generous to her and then her children, but she acts entitled and ungrateful. Last summer I blew it and told her off. That was the end of my loving relationship with her and the grandkids I adore.
I know it is largely my fault for not speaking up sooner on how I would like to be treated. My husband, a dear, won’t get involved in trying to repair the relationship. Of course, I have apologized to his daughter for being so harsh. Please help.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Had you spoken up sooner, you might only have been cut off sooner. Impossible to say, but that’s my hunch, because you sound like someone who thinks — thought — you actually had a vote in your place at your stepdaughter’s family table.
There’s a unique power dynamic, though, for a stepparent who becomes a smitten step-grandparent: You have none besides what the parents grant you — so, none. I’m not saying this to be mean. It’s just an exquisitely harsh reality. (Bio-parents’ reality is better only if the bonds with their children are, if that helps.)
A stepdaughter in this position can choose to act on whatever grudge she may be harboring, from who knows when, or make one up that suits her, hypothetically. Yours can have a grudge against your husband from before you were on the scene, even — but finds that taking it out on you costs her less emotionally than taking it out on Dad. Her expressing this anger, and essentially testing her power, years before she had children may in fact be what set you on edge with her 11 years ago. All speculation, but still.
Now this sounds mean to her, and I don’t intend that, either. If she’s toying with her power consciously and capriciously, then there’s no defense for it, certainly — but I don’t know her story, yours, your relationship or her level of self-awareness.
What I know is that a stepdaughter who has children her stepparent badly wants to see has all the power. Always did. I’m not defending this! Or saying it’s fair! Or sanctioning its abuse! Just dissecting the power dynamic. She could withhold the kids from you for not liking the way you part your hair, if that’s how she rolls.
So your mistake — besides the tell-off, which was huge — wasn’t your failure to ask for more sooner, but to think you were in a good position to ask for anything. Your place of strength and dignity was always going to be 100 percent how you carried yourself.
Again, it’s not a pile-on against stepparents. Bio-parents must get through the same gateway — their children — to see their grandchildren. They have priority access, let’s call it, sure, though those relationships are hardly immune to estrangement.
Which brings us to your husband, who risks profound loss just by defending the hill of your honor. Right? Presumably he still has access to his daughter and grandkids — only increasing her leverage against you. Whoo.
You do see my point, I hope. And his in not getting involved? Especially if their relationship is already strained by his marital history. Healthy people don’t use such leverage to hurt others, nor do they let their relationships deteriorate this far — but hurt people do use their power to protect themselves and especially their kids.
So the question is, can I help you, beyond a kind of grim postgame analysis? Well, maybe this: Most people know full well when their parents or stepparents see them as difficult, “entitled and ungrateful.” Few want their young kids breathing that air.
Estrangement is a kind of torture. I am sorry. And while your situational apology was appropriate, it’s rarely enough of a fix. Détente is more the scale. Without any say, though, you can only work your side. I suggest counseling, along with acceptance and time.
Link one
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2. DEAR ABBY: My son died of cancer at 33. It was heartbreaking. My daughter-in-law, "Belinda," had grown distant before his death, and although they had a son through artificial insemination, I have almost never seen him. I helped with the weeding in my son's yard, but any time I came, Belinda always had the baby at the park or someplace else.
Now that my son is gone, she won't answer any phone calls or texts. We do have some contact with her family. They have asked her why she won't contact us, and she has no explanation. My theory is that Belinda was uncomfortable sharing our son, and it has transferred to the grandchildren. I say "grandchildren" because she used his sperm to have another child. We found out by accident that a baby girl was born. We were never notified. While I doubt this plays a big part in this, Belinda is bipolar.
As it stands, I no longer make an effort to have a relationship with my grandchildren. They are so young, and I anticipate difficulty in pursuing grandparents' rights because of their ages and their mother's attitude toward us. This is painful, as they are the only part of my son that remains. I feel helpless and have pretty much blocked out the fact that I have grandchildren. Do you have any advice? -- BLOCKED IN OHIO
DEAR BLOCKED: What a sad letter. I do have some thoughts about your situation. The first is that because your son's sperm was used to conceive the children, you might benefit from discussing this with an attorney and asking if your state is one in which there are grandparents' rights. The second is, because you are hurting, ask your doctor for a referral to a licensed family therapist to help you accept what you cannot change. You have my sympathy.
Link two
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3. Dear Annie: My daughter, 31, left home at 19 to attend university. Within weeks, she began dating a boy she'd met through the school's Facebook group. Coming from our cultural background, we weren't comfortable with relationships outside marriage, but after two years, she moved in with him, mostly on her terms. They lived together for six years, bought a house, got a dog, eventually married and, two and a half years later, had my precious granddaughter.
My daughter has always dominated her marriage. Everything has to be on her terms. She's intelligent, determined and successful, but also bossy, pushy and demanding. Outwardly she can be sweet, but behind closed doors she often belittled her husband, and his laid-back nature just let her have her way.
About a year and a half ago, while I was babysitting, my daughter suddenly announced she no longer loved her husband and wanted to separate. I was shocked, but she bulldozed through the conversation and didn't let me say a word. Deep down, I was sure another man was involved. Within six months, the house was sold, assets divided and custody arranged, with little thought to the impact on their young daughter. My daughter was also left with the dog, which my son-in-law wanted no part of anymore.
It's been nearly a year since the split. My daughter appears to have a new partner, though she won't confirm it, only dropping hints to "familiarize" us with this new relationship, while her not-yet-ex-husband has turned to online dating. My granddaughter now splits time between them.
At her father's house, she still sees her other grandparents weekly. But with us, my daughter controls every visit and barely lets us into her life. We went from caring for our granddaughter regularly to limited contact with her and only when my daughter is present. She uses her daughter as leverage, essentially saying to us, "Accept my choices or lose contact."
Being around her feels like walking on eggshells. If I disagree, I'm met with silence, manipulation or explosive behavior. I cry every night, heartbroken over what feels like losing a limb. I feel for my son-in-law, who I believe was wronged, and I ache for my granddaughter, torn between two homes and two very different upbringings. Most of all, I am at a loss for how to move forward.
Deep down, my instincts tell me this new relationship won't last, but I don't know how to stand by my values and still hold on to my only grandchild. How can I stay in her life without surrendering completely to my daughter's demands? -- Heartbroken Grandmother
Dear Heartbroken Grandmother: You've been handed a difficult situation and one that's not yours to fix. Your daughter is making choices you don't agree with, but she's an adult and, unfortunately, fighting her will only jeopardize the time you have with your granddaughter.
You don't have to endorse your daughter's decisions; you just have to stop giving her reasons to shut you out. Keep your focus simple and on what matters most. Your granddaughter needs stable, consistent and loving adults in her corner, and you can be just that, even if not as often as you'd like.
Hold your values quietly and let time do some of the heavy lifting. Calm consistency has a way of opening doors that force never will.
Link three
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4. Dear Prudence,
“Sean” is my son’s former stepson. He married Sean’s mom when Sean was 6, and the same year my granddaughter was born. They got divorced when Sean was 12. Sean is 15 now. My husband and I have bent over backwards trying to stay in touch with Sean after the divorce. We called, texted, and sent gifts. We live out of state, so seeing both our grandchildren is hard.
Sean rarely responds to any calls, and his mother will not even tell us if he likes the gifts we send him, let alone make him say thank you. My son just shrugs and says that is the nature of divorce, and we are setting ourselves up for failure.
This breaks our hearts because we did our best to embrace Sean as our grandchild. He is still in our will with our other grandchildren. My husband thinks that we should stop trying so hard and step back. Sean is old enough to be able to decide if he wants a relationship with us or not. It isn’t like his mom monitors his phone, and Sean is always “busy” when we visit. He thinks we need to rewrite our will and take Sean out. I understand going through another divorce is hard, but Sean has even cut off his cousins, and those boys were as thick as thieves. What should we do? Wait? Push? Stepback? The divorce was mutual, as far as we know.
—Sean Doesn’t Say
Dear Sean Doesn’t Say,
Having a relationship with a little kid under 11 or 12 is easy because they have yet to figure out that you’re not as cool or interesting as their friends. A relationship with someone over 23 or so is fulfilling in a whole new way because they’re beginning to share your adult perspective on the world and embrace social graces like checking in on others. Having a relationship with someone between those two ages often requires a lot of pushing and getting little in return from a person who is, in an age-appropriate way, kind of self-absorbed and clueless. This is the case even when there’s no divorce complicating things. Teenagers generally just aren’t great at holding up their end of relationships that are not with their peers. It’s not personal.
I say all that because the standard to which you should be holding Sean, even if your son were still married to his mom, would be pretty low. Now add the divorce that turned his life upside down, whatever trauma that may have included, and the confusing messages he may be getting from his family. It’s understandable that he has retreated. I imagine he’s trying to manage his feelings about the whole thing in addition to just being a teen, and you’re out of sight and out of mind.
So if you love him, remember that he didn’t create this situation and has no experience living through it. And give him a pass. A long one! For the next three years, continue to reach out from time to time, warmly and without any guilt trips. Then, when he’s 18, initiate a conversation about how you still consider him your grandchild and would like to have a relationship if it works for him. Make a specific request, like, “Can we come visit you at your college and take you to lunch?” or “Can we FaceTime you this weekend?” If he outright rejects you, you’ll have to accept that. But if he’s just evasive or flaky, keep trying. Then continue for a while longer, until he’s out of college or even until he’s 25. At this point, he’s a real adult, operating outside of his mom’s influence and making his own choices. If he wants nothing to do with you, stand down and let your husband tweak the will. But I’m really hoping Sean will eventually let you back into his life, maybe even begin to share what the split was like for him, and express a lot of gratitude for your patience and unconditional love. Your reply will be, “Of course! You’re our grandson.”
Link four
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5. Dear Care and Feeding,
I gave birth to a baby girl a few weeks ago, and my mom has been coming to help for a full day once a week. She’s wonderful with my newborn: She changes diapers like a pro, she is great at getting her to stop crying, and she is respectful of rules that were different from when she had her kids (like the fact that babies are supposed to sleep on their backs, without blankets and stuffed animals in the crib). It’s a dream grandparent setup, really! Except for one thing. My problem is what she brings with her every time she comes over.
Every time Grandma arrives, she’s toting a box of stuff from my childhood. When we first got home from the hospital, she brought toys from when I was a toddler. Last week, it was art from the 4th grade. This week, it was photo albums from when I was a baby, and a bunch of my baby blankets. When I suggested gently that the albums of baby photos would be better off remaining at her house, she said she’d think about it.
Well, an hour later, she said, “I thought about it, and I worry that if I don’t bring them here to you, you’ll never see them again.” Which to me sounded like a threat! But the next thing she said was, “You look so tired, go take a nap,” as she removed my screaming daughter from my arms. So it’s not like I was in a position to argue.
My mother is in good health and lives alone in the four-bedroom house she raised my brother and me in. We live in a very small home with comically limited closet space (thanks, housing crisis). I can’t keep up with all the stuff she brings over. But I very much want to stay on as good of terms as humanly possible with her. So what do I do?
—Boxed In
Dear Boxed,
As a future grandmother myself (not imminently, but soon enough so that I’ve had to think about the question of stuff—as in the mountain of my daughter’s things I’ve saved all these years, as well as the more important matter of grandma as sitter), this question makes my heart ache. For you and your mom. She wants to help, and she is helping—doing a better job of it than many! But this insistence on bringing you the stuff she’s saved of yours borders on pathological. You’ve made it clear you don’t want it.
I understand that you don’t want to say, “Don’t leave this crap I don’t need here. If you do, I’ll just throw/give it away.” There are plenty of reasons not to tell her or do that. Instead, try being firm with her in a loving way: “Mom, I’m so glad you saved all of this! But we don’t have room for any of it, and we don’t need any of it. What if you turned one of the rooms in your house into a dedicated grandchild room? I can even help you with it. We can make it really pretty and fun, and keep all the things you’ve saved from my babyhood and childhood in there. And that way, once your granddaughter’s older and starts spending what I hope will be lots of time at your house, she’ll have this very special place in it, filled with wonderful things.”
(Spoiler alert: That’s what I plan to do with the bins of Playmobil, Brio trains, dinosaurs, American Girl dolls and clothes and accessories, and other toys I decided were worth saving for my eventual grandchildren. As to clothes: I plan on keeping them at my house too—I only saved the special ones, but as an only child of an older mother, she accumulated a lot of special things, like cowboy boots in many sizes, a motorcycle jacket, and infant- and toddler-sized all-black outfits her godfather sent from New York City—in bins sorted by size, and letting my daughter go through the bins as she chooses and pick what, if anything, she wants. The rest will stay at my place for use on visits. Same deal with books, since I saved hundreds of them, from the soft kind for babies through young adult novels.)
Your mother is going through something. I don’t know whether the crisis she’s having has to do with her own mortality, aging, grief (which could be about anything!), or something I’m not privy to. I will say that her wanting you to have your baby pictures, rather than keeping them at her place, suggests that she is suffering in some complicated, unusual way. (Why wouldn’t she want to keep them?) It also reminds me of my own grandmother, in her 80s and 90s, insisting that everyone who visited her leave with something of hers: She was thinking about death. She wanted to be rid of everything she had. (It didn’t work. When she did die, at 96, there was still a ton of stuff that had to be dealt with.) In any case, it’s absolutely not necessary for you to passively accept the manifestation of whatever’s going on with her when doing so makes your own life more difficult.
If she’s intent on divesting herself of everything she owns that has anything to do with you and your childhood, I’m afraid you will have to let her drop things off … and then give them away to someone who can use them. There are plenty of families who could use everything you’ve mentioned but the photos. And if Grandma flat-out refuses to keep them, and you don’t want to “never see them again,” that’s the one set of things I’d keep. Surely you can find room for that. (Unless you don’t care about your own baby pictures. In which case, if your mom doesn’t want them, feel free to toss them.)
Alas, this option will make your mother unhappy, since even if you don’t tell her what you’ve done, she’ll notice that things are gone. If it makes her so unhappy that she stops wanting to help with child care, so be it. But I’m hoping for both your sakes that she’ll follow my lead in this department, since she has the space to do it.
—Michelle
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I know it is largely my fault for not speaking up sooner on how I would like to be treated. My husband, a dear, won’t get involved in trying to repair the relationship. Of course, I have apologized to his daughter for being so harsh. Please help.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Had you spoken up sooner, you might only have been cut off sooner. Impossible to say, but that’s my hunch, because you sound like someone who thinks — thought — you actually had a vote in your place at your stepdaughter’s family table.
There’s a unique power dynamic, though, for a stepparent who becomes a smitten step-grandparent: You have none besides what the parents grant you — so, none. I’m not saying this to be mean. It’s just an exquisitely harsh reality. (Bio-parents’ reality is better only if the bonds with their children are, if that helps.)
A stepdaughter in this position can choose to act on whatever grudge she may be harboring, from who knows when, or make one up that suits her, hypothetically. Yours can have a grudge against your husband from before you were on the scene, even — but finds that taking it out on you costs her less emotionally than taking it out on Dad. Her expressing this anger, and essentially testing her power, years before she had children may in fact be what set you on edge with her 11 years ago. All speculation, but still.
Now this sounds mean to her, and I don’t intend that, either. If she’s toying with her power consciously and capriciously, then there’s no defense for it, certainly — but I don’t know her story, yours, your relationship or her level of self-awareness.
What I know is that a stepdaughter who has children her stepparent badly wants to see has all the power. Always did. I’m not defending this! Or saying it’s fair! Or sanctioning its abuse! Just dissecting the power dynamic. She could withhold the kids from you for not liking the way you part your hair, if that’s how she rolls.
So your mistake — besides the tell-off, which was huge — wasn’t your failure to ask for more sooner, but to think you were in a good position to ask for anything. Your place of strength and dignity was always going to be 100 percent how you carried yourself.
Again, it’s not a pile-on against stepparents. Bio-parents must get through the same gateway — their children — to see their grandchildren. They have priority access, let’s call it, sure, though those relationships are hardly immune to estrangement.
Which brings us to your husband, who risks profound loss just by defending the hill of your honor. Right? Presumably he still has access to his daughter and grandkids — only increasing her leverage against you. Whoo.
You do see my point, I hope. And his in not getting involved? Especially if their relationship is already strained by his marital history. Healthy people don’t use such leverage to hurt others, nor do they let their relationships deteriorate this far — but hurt people do use their power to protect themselves and especially their kids.
So the question is, can I help you, beyond a kind of grim postgame analysis? Well, maybe this: Most people know full well when their parents or stepparents see them as difficult, “entitled and ungrateful.” Few want their young kids breathing that air.
Estrangement is a kind of torture. I am sorry. And while your situational apology was appropriate, it’s rarely enough of a fix. Détente is more the scale. Without any say, though, you can only work your side. I suggest counseling, along with acceptance and time.
Link one
2. DEAR ABBY: My son died of cancer at 33. It was heartbreaking. My daughter-in-law, "Belinda," had grown distant before his death, and although they had a son through artificial insemination, I have almost never seen him. I helped with the weeding in my son's yard, but any time I came, Belinda always had the baby at the park or someplace else.
Now that my son is gone, she won't answer any phone calls or texts. We do have some contact with her family. They have asked her why she won't contact us, and she has no explanation. My theory is that Belinda was uncomfortable sharing our son, and it has transferred to the grandchildren. I say "grandchildren" because she used his sperm to have another child. We found out by accident that a baby girl was born. We were never notified. While I doubt this plays a big part in this, Belinda is bipolar.
As it stands, I no longer make an effort to have a relationship with my grandchildren. They are so young, and I anticipate difficulty in pursuing grandparents' rights because of their ages and their mother's attitude toward us. This is painful, as they are the only part of my son that remains. I feel helpless and have pretty much blocked out the fact that I have grandchildren. Do you have any advice? -- BLOCKED IN OHIO
DEAR BLOCKED: What a sad letter. I do have some thoughts about your situation. The first is that because your son's sperm was used to conceive the children, you might benefit from discussing this with an attorney and asking if your state is one in which there are grandparents' rights. The second is, because you are hurting, ask your doctor for a referral to a licensed family therapist to help you accept what you cannot change. You have my sympathy.
Link two
3. Dear Annie: My daughter, 31, left home at 19 to attend university. Within weeks, she began dating a boy she'd met through the school's Facebook group. Coming from our cultural background, we weren't comfortable with relationships outside marriage, but after two years, she moved in with him, mostly on her terms. They lived together for six years, bought a house, got a dog, eventually married and, two and a half years later, had my precious granddaughter.
My daughter has always dominated her marriage. Everything has to be on her terms. She's intelligent, determined and successful, but also bossy, pushy and demanding. Outwardly she can be sweet, but behind closed doors she often belittled her husband, and his laid-back nature just let her have her way.
About a year and a half ago, while I was babysitting, my daughter suddenly announced she no longer loved her husband and wanted to separate. I was shocked, but she bulldozed through the conversation and didn't let me say a word. Deep down, I was sure another man was involved. Within six months, the house was sold, assets divided and custody arranged, with little thought to the impact on their young daughter. My daughter was also left with the dog, which my son-in-law wanted no part of anymore.
It's been nearly a year since the split. My daughter appears to have a new partner, though she won't confirm it, only dropping hints to "familiarize" us with this new relationship, while her not-yet-ex-husband has turned to online dating. My granddaughter now splits time between them.
At her father's house, she still sees her other grandparents weekly. But with us, my daughter controls every visit and barely lets us into her life. We went from caring for our granddaughter regularly to limited contact with her and only when my daughter is present. She uses her daughter as leverage, essentially saying to us, "Accept my choices or lose contact."
Being around her feels like walking on eggshells. If I disagree, I'm met with silence, manipulation or explosive behavior. I cry every night, heartbroken over what feels like losing a limb. I feel for my son-in-law, who I believe was wronged, and I ache for my granddaughter, torn between two homes and two very different upbringings. Most of all, I am at a loss for how to move forward.
Deep down, my instincts tell me this new relationship won't last, but I don't know how to stand by my values and still hold on to my only grandchild. How can I stay in her life without surrendering completely to my daughter's demands? -- Heartbroken Grandmother
Dear Heartbroken Grandmother: You've been handed a difficult situation and one that's not yours to fix. Your daughter is making choices you don't agree with, but she's an adult and, unfortunately, fighting her will only jeopardize the time you have with your granddaughter.
You don't have to endorse your daughter's decisions; you just have to stop giving her reasons to shut you out. Keep your focus simple and on what matters most. Your granddaughter needs stable, consistent and loving adults in her corner, and you can be just that, even if not as often as you'd like.
Hold your values quietly and let time do some of the heavy lifting. Calm consistency has a way of opening doors that force never will.
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4. Dear Prudence,
“Sean” is my son’s former stepson. He married Sean’s mom when Sean was 6, and the same year my granddaughter was born. They got divorced when Sean was 12. Sean is 15 now. My husband and I have bent over backwards trying to stay in touch with Sean after the divorce. We called, texted, and sent gifts. We live out of state, so seeing both our grandchildren is hard.
Sean rarely responds to any calls, and his mother will not even tell us if he likes the gifts we send him, let alone make him say thank you. My son just shrugs and says that is the nature of divorce, and we are setting ourselves up for failure.
This breaks our hearts because we did our best to embrace Sean as our grandchild. He is still in our will with our other grandchildren. My husband thinks that we should stop trying so hard and step back. Sean is old enough to be able to decide if he wants a relationship with us or not. It isn’t like his mom monitors his phone, and Sean is always “busy” when we visit. He thinks we need to rewrite our will and take Sean out. I understand going through another divorce is hard, but Sean has even cut off his cousins, and those boys were as thick as thieves. What should we do? Wait? Push? Stepback? The divorce was mutual, as far as we know.
—Sean Doesn’t Say
Dear Sean Doesn’t Say,
Having a relationship with a little kid under 11 or 12 is easy because they have yet to figure out that you’re not as cool or interesting as their friends. A relationship with someone over 23 or so is fulfilling in a whole new way because they’re beginning to share your adult perspective on the world and embrace social graces like checking in on others. Having a relationship with someone between those two ages often requires a lot of pushing and getting little in return from a person who is, in an age-appropriate way, kind of self-absorbed and clueless. This is the case even when there’s no divorce complicating things. Teenagers generally just aren’t great at holding up their end of relationships that are not with their peers. It’s not personal.
I say all that because the standard to which you should be holding Sean, even if your son were still married to his mom, would be pretty low. Now add the divorce that turned his life upside down, whatever trauma that may have included, and the confusing messages he may be getting from his family. It’s understandable that he has retreated. I imagine he’s trying to manage his feelings about the whole thing in addition to just being a teen, and you’re out of sight and out of mind.
So if you love him, remember that he didn’t create this situation and has no experience living through it. And give him a pass. A long one! For the next three years, continue to reach out from time to time, warmly and without any guilt trips. Then, when he’s 18, initiate a conversation about how you still consider him your grandchild and would like to have a relationship if it works for him. Make a specific request, like, “Can we come visit you at your college and take you to lunch?” or “Can we FaceTime you this weekend?” If he outright rejects you, you’ll have to accept that. But if he’s just evasive or flaky, keep trying. Then continue for a while longer, until he’s out of college or even until he’s 25. At this point, he’s a real adult, operating outside of his mom’s influence and making his own choices. If he wants nothing to do with you, stand down and let your husband tweak the will. But I’m really hoping Sean will eventually let you back into his life, maybe even begin to share what the split was like for him, and express a lot of gratitude for your patience and unconditional love. Your reply will be, “Of course! You’re our grandson.”
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5. Dear Care and Feeding,
I gave birth to a baby girl a few weeks ago, and my mom has been coming to help for a full day once a week. She’s wonderful with my newborn: She changes diapers like a pro, she is great at getting her to stop crying, and she is respectful of rules that were different from when she had her kids (like the fact that babies are supposed to sleep on their backs, without blankets and stuffed animals in the crib). It’s a dream grandparent setup, really! Except for one thing. My problem is what she brings with her every time she comes over.
Every time Grandma arrives, she’s toting a box of stuff from my childhood. When we first got home from the hospital, she brought toys from when I was a toddler. Last week, it was art from the 4th grade. This week, it was photo albums from when I was a baby, and a bunch of my baby blankets. When I suggested gently that the albums of baby photos would be better off remaining at her house, she said she’d think about it.
Well, an hour later, she said, “I thought about it, and I worry that if I don’t bring them here to you, you’ll never see them again.” Which to me sounded like a threat! But the next thing she said was, “You look so tired, go take a nap,” as she removed my screaming daughter from my arms. So it’s not like I was in a position to argue.
My mother is in good health and lives alone in the four-bedroom house she raised my brother and me in. We live in a very small home with comically limited closet space (thanks, housing crisis). I can’t keep up with all the stuff she brings over. But I very much want to stay on as good of terms as humanly possible with her. So what do I do?
—Boxed In
Dear Boxed,
As a future grandmother myself (not imminently, but soon enough so that I’ve had to think about the question of stuff—as in the mountain of my daughter’s things I’ve saved all these years, as well as the more important matter of grandma as sitter), this question makes my heart ache. For you and your mom. She wants to help, and she is helping—doing a better job of it than many! But this insistence on bringing you the stuff she’s saved of yours borders on pathological. You’ve made it clear you don’t want it.
I understand that you don’t want to say, “Don’t leave this crap I don’t need here. If you do, I’ll just throw/give it away.” There are plenty of reasons not to tell her or do that. Instead, try being firm with her in a loving way: “Mom, I’m so glad you saved all of this! But we don’t have room for any of it, and we don’t need any of it. What if you turned one of the rooms in your house into a dedicated grandchild room? I can even help you with it. We can make it really pretty and fun, and keep all the things you’ve saved from my babyhood and childhood in there. And that way, once your granddaughter’s older and starts spending what I hope will be lots of time at your house, she’ll have this very special place in it, filled with wonderful things.”
(Spoiler alert: That’s what I plan to do with the bins of Playmobil, Brio trains, dinosaurs, American Girl dolls and clothes and accessories, and other toys I decided were worth saving for my eventual grandchildren. As to clothes: I plan on keeping them at my house too—I only saved the special ones, but as an only child of an older mother, she accumulated a lot of special things, like cowboy boots in many sizes, a motorcycle jacket, and infant- and toddler-sized all-black outfits her godfather sent from New York City—in bins sorted by size, and letting my daughter go through the bins as she chooses and pick what, if anything, she wants. The rest will stay at my place for use on visits. Same deal with books, since I saved hundreds of them, from the soft kind for babies through young adult novels.)
Your mother is going through something. I don’t know whether the crisis she’s having has to do with her own mortality, aging, grief (which could be about anything!), or something I’m not privy to. I will say that her wanting you to have your baby pictures, rather than keeping them at her place, suggests that she is suffering in some complicated, unusual way. (Why wouldn’t she want to keep them?) It also reminds me of my own grandmother, in her 80s and 90s, insisting that everyone who visited her leave with something of hers: She was thinking about death. She wanted to be rid of everything she had. (It didn’t work. When she did die, at 96, there was still a ton of stuff that had to be dealt with.) In any case, it’s absolutely not necessary for you to passively accept the manifestation of whatever’s going on with her when doing so makes your own life more difficult.
If she’s intent on divesting herself of everything she owns that has anything to do with you and your childhood, I’m afraid you will have to let her drop things off … and then give them away to someone who can use them. There are plenty of families who could use everything you’ve mentioned but the photos. And if Grandma flat-out refuses to keep them, and you don’t want to “never see them again,” that’s the one set of things I’d keep. Surely you can find room for that. (Unless you don’t care about your own baby pictures. In which case, if your mom doesn’t want them, feel free to toss them.)
Alas, this option will make your mother unhappy, since even if you don’t tell her what you’ve done, she’ll notice that things are gone. If it makes her so unhappy that she stops wanting to help with child care, so be it. But I’m hoping for both your sakes that she’ll follow my lead in this department, since she has the space to do it.
—Michelle
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2. I have no idea what's going on here besides the fact that LW2 apparently sneaks over to do clandestine gardening when the family is out. Yikes!
3. LW3, please send this letter, exactly as written, directly to your daughter and let her know what you really think about her. This won't solve your dilemma, exactly, but it'll help her make some decisions of her own.
4. No idea what's going on here, but LW4 needs to be careful not to overstep. It won't end well if they do, even if their intentions are great.
5. Next Christmas, gift Mom a full house cleaning. If you do it all at once, she'll be more amenable to tossing a lot of the junk. See if Brother will chip in to pay for a year's rent on a storage unit. Once all the stuff is gone and out of the house, she won't bring it by anymore.
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#3 sounds like my mother from an alternate timeline (such as if I'd married so-and-so rather than making the right choice to stay with my once and current sweetie).
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Well, an hour later, she said, “I thought about it, and I worry that if I don’t bring them here to you, you’ll never see them again.” Which to me sounded like a threat!
Care and Feeding interprets this letter as LW saying that she doesn't want the stuff, but that's not what I see at all. What LW says is that she wants to be able to store stuff indefinitely at her mom's "four-bedroom house," and she interprets any indication that her mother might not be willing and able to serve as her storage unit forever as "a threat."
LW . . . your mother is not going to be able to maintain and live in a multi-level four-bedroom house as she ages. Her timing on her downsizing isn't great, but eventually you do need to accept that you need to either find space for your possessions or let them go.
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I am aware there do exist parents who are hoarding possessions of their kids that their kids don't care about, it's just a much rarer dynamic for me to witness.
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1. So, Stepmom [finally? I can't believe that] informed Stepdaughter about "how [she] would like to be treated" and as a result the "entitled and ungrateful" Stepdaughter cut her off from the grandchildren? All I can say about Carolyn's answer is that she must be the go-to columnist for assuring estranged parents they couldn't possibly have done anything wrong. I mean, "She could withhold the kids from you for not liking the way you part your hair" is not prompting any self-reflection on the LW's part, it's justifying her resentment.
2. I hope Belinda moves.
3. LW's problem seems to be that God forbids that women should know what they want and the ones who do and say so are going straight to heck.
4. I missed that Sean is 15 on the first read-through. LW is upset that a fifteen-year-old boy is not sucking up to her and giving her warm fuzzies? Just keep cheerful birthday cards and suitable holiday greeting going and do not expect Sean to figure out how to call you, text you, or friend you on Facebook, LW. If you really want to help out, ask his mother whether no-strings-attached regular financial support would help her out with things like sports equipment, activity expenses, or general household and groceries. And don't expect that to buy you access, either. If you are planning college support, write to him AND his mother about that now and give them a realistic idea of what you can do for BOTH kids.
5. What does the mother's house look like? Is it full of Stuff? I feel like that's important here. Otherwise, there is no magic solution for this other than a very plain-spoken conversation about We Do Not Have Room For It. And the LW should practice letting go of these things, herself, if she ever wanted to keep them. Has she ever gone through this stuff with her mother, at her mother's house, and selected out the few things she might want to keep?
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That said, on various visits my parents did unload a bunch of stuff on me that I'd used/made as a kid, including an 8x10 baby picture of me -- but they did it after I had a house, not after I had a baby, and it was stuff I wanted, and I had space to store it.
(Which reminds me that I need to work on photo albums, because all my photos of the kids are digital, and while they're backed up in a couple places, print often outlasts digital.)
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And let the kids be people, their own people, possibly people who want to have a grandparent/grandchild relationship with you someday when they're out on their own and also possibly not. But like--I have lost loved ones who did not have children, and they are not gone from the world, and I can do things that honor their memory without trying to bring minors into it without their parents' comfort with the situation.