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agonyaunt2018-05-18 05:23 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2018-05-18 05:23 pm
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Ask A Manager: should I invite my lonely intern over for dinner?
A reader writes:
I am a female in my mid-30s who is fairly new to managing. I am currently supervising an intern, “Fergus,” who is a grad student in his mid-20s. His home city is an eight-hour drive away (or a one-hour flight away), which makes it a bit impractical for him to travel home every weekend. Fergus’s internship lasts for seven weeks. He’s been here for three weeks, and has another four weeks left to go. He is also single, and doesn’t have any friends or family in our city. Currently, he is staying in a bedsit in the suburbs, and I get the strong impression that he is at loose ends during evenings and weekends.
While our organization currently has around 20 interns, I gather that HR has not organized any social events for them (and in any case, most other interns live locally and already have their circles of friends, and social lives, etc). My branch normally has Friday work drinks, which I mentioned to Fergus on his first day. He seemed really eager to attend (to the point where he brought up the topic several times, and excitedly asked other people in our team if they were going), but unfortunately Friday drinks haven’t gone ahead since Fergus has been with us (not sure why — I think the person in our office who normally organizes them has been busy).
I also belong to a weekly pub quiz team, and invited Fergus to attend. Again, he eagerly accepted the invitation, but unfortunately it transpired that my team’s regular venue is temporarily closed, and we haven’t got around to finding a new one yet. So Fergus has been spending his evenings and weekends alone, watching TV, or checking out my city’s few tourist attractions (my city is relatively small, and the attractions don’t really take long to see). It’s reached the point where Fergus has asked me if he can take work home with him, for something to do. (I kindly but firmly told him no, firstly for security reasons, and secondly because our organization encourages a healthy work-life balance).
As Fergus’s supervisor (and noting that he is a young, out-of-town intern), do I have an obligation to ensure that he isn’t lonely during evenings and weekends? Should I invite him over to my house on the weekend or after work for dinner or a BBQ? Would this be kind, or wildly inappropriate? I should add that I am happily married, but my husband would be okay with this. There are a couple of complicating factors, however. Firstly, Fergus doesn’t drive, and our city’s public transport is lousy. I live across town, and it would be a 90-minute round trip to pick Fergus up from his bedsit, and another 90-minute round trip to drop him back afterwards. Secondly, despite his eagerness to socialize, I find him a little socially awkward. He is a perfectly pleasant person, but it’s sometimes challenging making small talk with him. However, if you (and the readers) consider that it would be a kindness to host him for a meal, I’m fully prepared to do so.
Poor Fergus — he does sound lonely.
I do not think that managers have an obligation to ensure that interns aren’t lonely during evenings and weekends. Your obligations are about work things — providing clear expectations, giving useful feedback, helping interns adjust to office life, etc.
That said, I also think that if you notice your interns are lonely and starved for something to do, you should try to ensure that at least one or two events are organized for them with other people in your office. That can mean putting together a happy hour or trivia night yourself, or it can mean nudging someone else to.
So in this case, I’d say you should (1) ask HR if they’d organize something social for all the interns, (2) ask someone to organize another Friday drinks thing or organize it yourself (don’t feel like you have to wait for the usual organizer, if she’s too busy to do it right now), and (3) if those effort don’t result in at least one social event, organize some other activity yourself.
But I don’t think you need to invite Fergus to your house. I mean, you certainly can if you want to — it wouldn’t be wildly inappropriate or anything like that — but it sounds like it would feel obligatory on your side, and you really aren’t obligated to do it. Plus, a 90-minute drive each way is a really long drive … and a long drive with one-on-one time with you and/or your husband is maybe a little too intimate for the context. (It would be different if you were already have a BBQ with other people and you invited him to that … but even then, that’s a hell of a lot of time in the car together.)
However, you could instead take him to lunch one day during the workday to talk about how things are going in his internship and get to know him more outside of a work context. You could also invite him and a handful of other people to dinner after work one night — somewhere close to your office so that you’re eliminating all those long car rides to take him to and fro.
I am a female in my mid-30s who is fairly new to managing. I am currently supervising an intern, “Fergus,” who is a grad student in his mid-20s. His home city is an eight-hour drive away (or a one-hour flight away), which makes it a bit impractical for him to travel home every weekend. Fergus’s internship lasts for seven weeks. He’s been here for three weeks, and has another four weeks left to go. He is also single, and doesn’t have any friends or family in our city. Currently, he is staying in a bedsit in the suburbs, and I get the strong impression that he is at loose ends during evenings and weekends.
While our organization currently has around 20 interns, I gather that HR has not organized any social events for them (and in any case, most other interns live locally and already have their circles of friends, and social lives, etc). My branch normally has Friday work drinks, which I mentioned to Fergus on his first day. He seemed really eager to attend (to the point where he brought up the topic several times, and excitedly asked other people in our team if they were going), but unfortunately Friday drinks haven’t gone ahead since Fergus has been with us (not sure why — I think the person in our office who normally organizes them has been busy).
I also belong to a weekly pub quiz team, and invited Fergus to attend. Again, he eagerly accepted the invitation, but unfortunately it transpired that my team’s regular venue is temporarily closed, and we haven’t got around to finding a new one yet. So Fergus has been spending his evenings and weekends alone, watching TV, or checking out my city’s few tourist attractions (my city is relatively small, and the attractions don’t really take long to see). It’s reached the point where Fergus has asked me if he can take work home with him, for something to do. (I kindly but firmly told him no, firstly for security reasons, and secondly because our organization encourages a healthy work-life balance).
As Fergus’s supervisor (and noting that he is a young, out-of-town intern), do I have an obligation to ensure that he isn’t lonely during evenings and weekends? Should I invite him over to my house on the weekend or after work for dinner or a BBQ? Would this be kind, or wildly inappropriate? I should add that I am happily married, but my husband would be okay with this. There are a couple of complicating factors, however. Firstly, Fergus doesn’t drive, and our city’s public transport is lousy. I live across town, and it would be a 90-minute round trip to pick Fergus up from his bedsit, and another 90-minute round trip to drop him back afterwards. Secondly, despite his eagerness to socialize, I find him a little socially awkward. He is a perfectly pleasant person, but it’s sometimes challenging making small talk with him. However, if you (and the readers) consider that it would be a kindness to host him for a meal, I’m fully prepared to do so.
Poor Fergus — he does sound lonely.
I do not think that managers have an obligation to ensure that interns aren’t lonely during evenings and weekends. Your obligations are about work things — providing clear expectations, giving useful feedback, helping interns adjust to office life, etc.
That said, I also think that if you notice your interns are lonely and starved for something to do, you should try to ensure that at least one or two events are organized for them with other people in your office. That can mean putting together a happy hour or trivia night yourself, or it can mean nudging someone else to.
So in this case, I’d say you should (1) ask HR if they’d organize something social for all the interns, (2) ask someone to organize another Friday drinks thing or organize it yourself (don’t feel like you have to wait for the usual organizer, if she’s too busy to do it right now), and (3) if those effort don’t result in at least one social event, organize some other activity yourself.
But I don’t think you need to invite Fergus to your house. I mean, you certainly can if you want to — it wouldn’t be wildly inappropriate or anything like that — but it sounds like it would feel obligatory on your side, and you really aren’t obligated to do it. Plus, a 90-minute drive each way is a really long drive … and a long drive with one-on-one time with you and/or your husband is maybe a little too intimate for the context. (It would be different if you were already have a BBQ with other people and you invited him to that … but even then, that’s a hell of a lot of time in the car together.)
However, you could instead take him to lunch one day during the workday to talk about how things are going in his internship and get to know him more outside of a work context. You could also invite him and a handful of other people to dinner after work one night — somewhere close to your office so that you’re eliminating all those long car rides to take him to and fro.
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So, what do you think, of the situation and the advice?
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She's easy to get along with, and if we knew each other outside work we'd probably be friends - but I had to rein in my compassion and *not* start trying to befriend her. At the end of the day, I manage this woman, and it wouldn't be appropriate to befriend her except in a work context.
So I think AAM is right and wrong. In LW's shoes, I would attempt to ensure work-related social stuff was organised, for the benefit of all the interns but especially Fergus. Or discreetly ask someone else to organise it, if you're out of spoons to do so. But I would absolutely notttttt cross the streams and invite Fergus to my home, ever, unless I was hosting an all-interns thing and he was one of the crowd. It could go so badly wrong in so many ways, otherwise.
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This is why I ask -- you have an excellent take on this situation.
I hope your report finds some friends soon.
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Taking Fergus over for dinner: NO.
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